Who I am.

A new era of blog posts It has been a long time since I wrote on this blog. Over 3 years.  It was an outlet for sadness, grief, and anger directed at the world and into myself. I look back with fondness for that person that was struggling with so many areas and wanted to escape these. I feel mixed as to keeping these here or archiving them - I feel it's a disservice to those experiences to hide them away. I sit here in a café in a new town, with new friends (and old friends back home), a new job and home, and the same partner - building my new world. I have spent years working on myself, my mental health and my perception of the work, creating a better and more compassionate self. I feel I have rewired my brain from the dysfunctional cognitions and behaviours I once portrayed.  I see life in it's fullest form - the good, the bad, the hardships, and the forgiveness. I wouldn't be where I am without my journey and for that I am grateful - and I can hold space for wanting it t...

  insight ninetyfive i felt a need to write again. to allow my thoughts a place to exist, without any eyes or ears. something weird is happening and i can't quite understand what it is. am i pushing others away and slowly isolating myself again? or am i losing my relationship because of miscommunication, personal issues, and adult growth? it is a difficult battle to know which is which, but also to know which is right for me. do i need time to figure out myself, work on my mental and physical health, and return a better and more honest me? or do i need to get help - support myself before it becomes too late?  there's a lot of aspects of a relationship that are important and hold unique value, such as the unconditional love, a consistent support system and someone who knows you so intimately that you can be your most vulnerable with them without perceived judgement. and they're hard, no one ever says relationships are easy but time gives people space to learn and grow to sup...

 insight ninetyfour some people compare it to a black dog, a constant weight that follows you around. a persistence that can eventually be accepted. for me it's more like the wind. not only is it invisible to me, it is invisible to all. work colleagues, friends, family. all of us. hitting me harder without warning, taking me by surprise. the wind itself is sometimes a breeze, and it's not an issue. i can stay afloat and do the day by day. the little control i have allows me to mask the breeze temporarily, allowing a smile or laughter with friends, or motivation to arise for work. but sometimes its a storm, and im out of control. each time i am blown down, and forced to stay there. foundations ripped from the ground, spinning me round and round. leaving my breathless. it varies from day to day, week to week, but recently - it's been all storms and no breathing. now the wind is all around, almost suffocating. moving all the air i need away, and leaving me alone. sometimes i s...

insight ninetythree trigger warning - weight i’ve always had a rocky relationship with my weight. ever since i was younger i was more curvy than other girls; not naturally thin. i developed a lot earlier and a lot faster than other girls in my year - it made it hard to like how i looked. i know some of this is down to genetics and biology but it is hard in a school setting to see this as something i cannot control. sometimes i found myself looking okay or nice in a certain outfit but i always felt aware of my body if people took photos or how i looked in certain positions. when you sit and your thighs squish, mine were bigger or when guys talk about a thigh gap, which i didn't have - it made me more and more self conscious. as stereotypical as it is, social media did increase this confidence issue a lot and this only grew over the years (everyone know the ins and outs of that discussion). i am never comfortable talking about it, even if it isn’t me. people talking about not wan...

insight ninetytwo so much is happening right now. emotions are running high. here’s what i have to say at present... i feel like I’m grieving for something. maybe for school, the fact we didn't finish the typical way - how the rug was pulled from under our feet and winded us, gasping for air while we watch the world crumble around us. the way all of these posters, revision cards and notes were for nothing. all this paper will be burnt and nothing ever needed to be done. i feel hollow and sad. crying randomly and not holding back. my chest hurts and i am just sad. alone i am sad. i’m giving myself things to do to keep myself busy but that won’t last long. 26 weeks until moving day. now what. what is the purpose of anything, what is the reason to get out of bed. what is. anything anymore. but i think to myself “this is such as first world problem”. having exams cancelled in a free school system. being upset over work i can do because i can afford the stationary and transport ...

insight ninetyone We’re well into 2020. I have done a lot of reflecting over the last decade and a lot of looking at what is happening this year. Here are the things I’m taking away from this two week thought splurge: The decade of the 2010s I can’t fathom the amount of things that happened in the past 10 years. It’s been a whirlwind year of things that made and things that broke me as a person. So many achievements and amazing memories were made, and i look back and feel thankful for those times, those people. However some moments weren’t as hopeful, hurting me more as i delve deeper into those times. I’m beginning to accept them now; I’m starting to regard them not just as something that made but also something i cant get rid of, only deal with slowly. I am a partial believer in ‘everything happens for a reason’ and i use it to explain the friends, experiences and hardships that have been and gone; it helps me move on to a new time and a new head space. So i say to 2010 and al...

insight ninety findIng someone so perfect could take years. one individual has their lost soul, their other half to a full heart, in the world somewhere but when would they meet? to claim someone as your own and utterly adore them for every flaw, every mistake, every crack in their being - it is almost like a unreasonable love story. But if this is what love feels like, i don't ever want to be without it. i think i have found the one mortal i can call mine, the other piece to the puzzLe. he has these beautiful eyes that melt into my heart, as if a glance could calm me better than any words could ever. a smile, that smile, when he laughs or looks at me in loving dismay - an infectious happiness that can pull me out of the darkest lows. his skin, when i lie on his chest and feel his heart beating aside mine, tracing my fingers down his skin, freckles and all. arms around me like a wall, guard or shield, protecting me from anyone or anything that has Or could hurt me; the most ...

insight eightynine  Here’s a few blog starters that I just never got round to pursuing: You’d be surprised about how much i feel. More than I seem to. From the persistent smiles and jokes. No. Not me. See me at home, watch me observe my face and cry. Watch me thrash at the walls just to release the anger I feel inside. Watch how I am never enough for anyone. Watch how they chip away as me, not good enough, not happy. Watch me cry and cry until I feel dizzy with short breaths. It’s as if I am lost, I have lost something within me. Something so significant that my entire personality depends on it. I feel as if I’m going rotten. Rotting from the inside and not showing a sign of disgust externally. My brain turning… I hurt. I hurt really bad inside. And I just want someone to hold me. Someone from the past. The present. Someone. I feel like ice. Thin ice. Like I make everyone tiptoe around me because they may make me snap. Crack. Break into angry shards that hurt anyone in my...

Insight eighty-nine Sociology brought the question - do you believe in god? and i have the answer. no. i do not. and there, of course, it a story. i used to believe in a being, no necessarily a god but a larger someone who has some say about what happens in the world. i used to pray or talk to the skies and ask for help, talk or anything to help me in times i felt i had no one. that one day i prayed, for her to be okay, i wished and prayed with the tears down my face and emotions cracking in my voice. i prayed for her life and her health. they weren’t answered, ignored and forgotten and left me and so many in a wreck. since i haven’t believed that that being could have let such a perfect young girl be taken like that. they do not exist and i do not believe. from the future  I hear the sadness in this post and I aim not to intervene with previous writing. However I am conscious of how this definitive answer may be interpreted. My relationship with faith has never been stron...

insight eightyeight the issue - a poem its not me, you or the rest nor is it school, work or no sleep its not the threats to hit, break my outsides and in. its not the push for independence or everyday 'sort yourself out' s the anger in your eyes, though you say its your fault, like he did its certainly not the father problems or mother ones alike, or the names, self-centred worries that clearly are just about you its never the whispers behind closed doors, screams with slammed doors, not the one-off comments or the pain in my chest, my head from you... its just me. the issue is me.

insight eightyseven (I’m going to talk to you about something that happened to me, nothing dramatic or news worthy, but something that happened that has stuck in my mind every single day.) Valentine’s Day – 14th Feb. 2019 Eyeshadow. Mascara. Lip gloss. Powder. I put on my make up, and stare into the dirty mirror, observing the faded imperfections covered by layers of concealer, trying to fill in the cracks of the broken self. Deep breathes of encouragement and a flicker of a smile, I start to change into the dress I meticulously chose from hours of searching for the perfect outfit to impress my boyfriend. Finishing up with my simple jewellery, I twist my hair through my fingers and think of all the multitudes of things I could do to style it. I decide to try to curl, just light waves that could drop onto my shoulders in an attempt to look pretty. I start off okay, one curl this way, one curl that way, a few tugs but it looks alright. Time flies and it gets worse and worse, burns...

insight eightysix  Side note – i went to a zoo workshop to learn about phobias, specifically animal based ones. We were shown different ways of treating them, including hypnosis. You are my happy place. Arms outstretched, cold fingertips touching mine as you draw me into the light, stepping down the marble stairs one at a time; hypnosis and relaxation sending me to oblivion and seeing you there, my happy place as he called it. With closed eyes, I imagine your blonde fringe and pigtails, light pink lipstick and short skirt with knee-high socks, those shiny black shoes that you click together at the bus stop - hands outstretched to greet me in the morning. I imagine this as he tells us to reflect on a happy place, a happy time in which we felt the most relaxed and content and all I can think is you. I think about you holding my hand, small fingers twisted round mine, walking together into that empty carpark, yellow light being the only thing allowing us to see. We lay on the flo...

Insight eightyfive  Trigger warning - swearing, and a lot of it  Fuck. I’m so fucked. It’s so fucked. Inside i feel like a million things are banging against my head and i cant think straight. I love you, i hate you, i love you, i hate... everything is a cycle. Whirling in my mind, 24/7. It’s all sinking. Like in the sea. Drowning. Slowly feeling the water fill my lungs, not being able to scream. It’s how i feel. “it feels like im watching myself drowning. as if i am staring at a moving picture of a girl slowly dying within cold, dark waters - as if i am watching a nightmare unfold in front of me. a nightmare that, however, sends sweet relief through my veins. i am watching myself, a third person view of the water slowly filling up my lungs, making me choke in desperation. my arms attempting to push against the strong current but not being enough to get my head above the waves. for a short while i could breath, lips gulping the air from above, but slowly as time passed, i...

insight eightyfour  f riday 4th january i arrived mid-morning wearing a thin pink jumper, pale jeans and my favourite black vans. his nan opened the door, welcomed me in and talked to me for a short while before i went to find him with my bag in hand and smile blushing into my cheeks. i hug him and kiss his soft lips, i have been waiting for this for too long. his long sleeve shirt pulls tight around his arms as a squeeze them, admiring all of him piece by piece. we sit for a while before i put on some make up, trying to hide the unslept eyes and blemishes that pretty much cover my entire face. we get ready to leave for a fun day ahead, i am happy, so happy i could explode, he's here with me and i-am-happy. i smile at him in the mirror, he hugs around my waist and kisses my cheek - i really do love him. arriving at Pizza Hut i glance over at him, slightly nervous to have a meal with his grandparents. we sit and eat, talking about family and him and everything in between, i fe...

Insight fiftynine i love nature, the feel on sand between my finger tips, cold water around my feet, mud on my clothing. the sweet smells, soft sounds and roaring features of pure beauty. i love the evenings in which i spend laying sleepless in bed, warm blanket around my bare shoulders, ears pricking at the wind ruffling the trees leaving as the rain hammers down under my window ledge. watching the rain race down my window, the scattered lights bouncing, waving back and forth as the whistles rush throught the slight crack in the window. the perfect scenery on the sea, with salty air and blurting birds wisping in the sky, the clouds dacning around the golden sun. if only i could run, far away from home and go the places i feel most at home. no phone, no friends, no one but me and nature, arm in arm as we walk around the country, seeing the places only photograpths have shown. just nature. it makes everything seen at peace, in balance, every opposing each other but at the same time co...

insight eightythree rainbow arching over the small town a blue sky turned grey prayers quickly spoken to the Almighty a lost beauty within the hearts of all a crying cloud dampened the moods further into the mud ground not a smiled shared within those dear until the rainbow, like clockwork, appeared moving on to new beginnings leaving behind the thoughts of her and us and all that became of the rainbow and nothing more stripes of colour painting through a negative mood lit afternoon lifting the smiles of those in need that rainbow healing the mad another day of plans for the future one she never got a speech of new knowledge and potential with those colours behind her friend watching from a distance the sky shine colours bright a rainbow that is, for us, different for it is her that shows her light

insight eightytwo  it’s at this time of year when I miss you most. another year without you and i need you more than ever. i saw a rainbow today, across the sky near where i now go to school, when listening to a song about losing someone you love that touches my heart every time it plays. i went back to our school, collecting some old work from before, to a place that holds so many memories and pain that i wished not to stay for long. you were there, i felt it, i felt you there with me in the hall, as if you had never left. i left you there, trapped in that school because how can i imagine you anywhere else? it’s coming up to christmas and i miss you most. i need you here to shower with gifts and a card holding love enclosed within. a merrry christmas feeling not so jolly without you, a saddening weight in my heart for you family at this time of year. another christmas without you, my angel, another festivity without you to sing with, or to enjoy snow days with, or moan how col...

insight eightyone this isn’t living - a poem im still alive but im barely breathing the lyrics i now understand the darkness haunting my mind every thought shadowed upon dull in the eyes  where the dark lines lie barely seeing the sky of blue between the dark clouds so grey. a smile for her, a smile for him lies beneath broken lips a frown for the mirror the truth setting in tick tock tick tock, clock chiming loud midnight dawns and the pen still writing dragging the words out. too tired to love too exhausted to be broken the weight on shoulders pulling at the strings in reality wishing there would be another way to stop time in its tracks to have the time to 'live' but if this is living, i’d rather be  dead

insight eighty i can't even deny it. i am obsessed with you. it's like a wave of emotion has washed over me, and i see how much i have fallen for you, how much i have fallen flat on my face for you. im obsessed with the way you look at me when i smile, your eyes dead set on my lips as i tease you. im obsessed with the way you hold me tight, and wrap your arms around me, keeping me close. im obsessed with your face when you're resting, sleeping so pure and precious. im obsessed with your touch and your hands tracing on my back, your fingertips so light and smooth. im obsessed with your laugh when i say something stupid, sighing in disappointment but still smiling in love. im obsessed with the way you make me feel and the support you give me, holding me and letting me ramble about everything in my head, not wavering when my voices cracks in near-set tears. im obsessed with everything you : your life, your family, your hobbies, your dislikes - i want to know it all and more....

insight seventynine A few small poems recovered from the notes in my phone -  jumper a burgundy hood hides my messy hair ties ravelled within it the sleeves too long for my arms like little mittens covering my hands just my finger tips showing proud deeper into the woven material is a boy a tall handsome man with a piercing smile bright eyes and a smart mind he being one of few things i hold close to my heart and by close i mean within it a boy who fought to be there a scent of him throws me off tracks my mind wishing it to be a hug from his long arms fitting into these long sleeves - wrapping them around me a smell that i cant unrecognize  subtle reminding of who i have near smiling before the glazed surface my rosy cheeks staring back at me hiding the lines from smiles around my mouth with the oversized phenomenon that is this jacket this hoodie that represents so much more than just warmth also him, and love, and happ...