Who I am.

insight fortyseven i ready for my shower: marshmallow wash on the side; hair products beside it; mint green scrub to wash my legs; towels sprawled over the radiator; moisturiser propped on the washing basket. stripping my travel clothes, i pull out my ratty hair and observe the misted reflection i see in the shower window. studying my body up and down, i mentally name all the flaws that i can spot... and that's a lot. chipped nail varnish on the tips of my toes fading grey scar on the left foot stubbly legs with uneven tanning multiple scars on the thighs fat thighs at that hips too wide butt weirdly big scars circling my stomach and sides fat torso huge chest with stretch marks very bad tan lines little moles on shoulders too broad shoulders white dots on my arms burn scars on my hands fat stubby hands spot scars on face weird eye colour too large lips small ears odd eyebrows ratty hair dye fading dark tired circles around eyes bags under eyes graduall...

insight thirtyfive i sit on the corner of the white washing basket, listening to the shower spray against the glass curtain beside my head, water flowing from cold to warm. minutes pass and i slowly take off my clothes, fabric falling to the floor as it reveals my tan lined skin, pale in the places i wish to hide. hands over my chest i observe my figure in the mirror, peering down at the hourglass curves in disgust. a slight burning pinches my skin as my toes edge under the shower head, the ocean of pain relief flowing over my shoulders. rinsing the almond bubbles out of my tangled hair, i hum the melody to a sad song i have listened to on my phone, each lyric burning my eyes into a teary mess. digging my nails into my skin, i rip at the insecurities and imperfections that scatter all over my being, skin tearing and bleeding onto the floor below. light darkening as the sun dips behind the tree, the shower water burns red upon my shoulders, my head hug in the bird song silenc...