Who I am.

insight fortyone perfection noun  - the state or quality of being perfect.  - a person or thing considered to be perfect. sun gleaming down on the cool forest leaves, i walk fast paced down the grass empty path, music blaring through my headphones to block out the cars, to block out everything. looking upon to the painted peeled pub i start towards to busy road that leaves my hair blowing the way they race, pausing my music as the chorus starts to sing "It's in the stars, it's been written in the scars in our hearts. We're not broken just bent, and...". evening dawning i kick the gravel below my denim converse shoes and head towards my silent haven, my quiet get away from all the noisy arguments and texts from a lost lover, my way of getting rid of everything. easing my music volume, i greet the open water with a deep breath of fresh air and a smile, not a human nor dog in sight, just the vast amount of geese that sit on the soft water gliding to the beat...

insight thirtyfive i sit on the corner of the white washing basket, listening to the shower spray against the glass curtain beside my head, water flowing from cold to warm. minutes pass and i slowly take off my clothes, fabric falling to the floor as it reveals my tan lined skin, pale in the places i wish to hide. hands over my chest i observe my figure in the mirror, peering down at the hourglass curves in disgust. a slight burning pinches my skin as my toes edge under the shower head, the ocean of pain relief flowing over my shoulders. rinsing the almond bubbles out of my tangled hair, i hum the melody to a sad song i have listened to on my phone, each lyric burning my eyes into a teary mess. digging my nails into my skin, i rip at the insecurities and imperfections that scatter all over my being, skin tearing and bleeding onto the floor below. light darkening as the sun dips behind the tree, the shower water burns red upon my shoulders, my head hug in the bird song silenc...

insight seven Trigger warning - insinuation of SA (entirely fictional) I flinch as I run my fingers over my legs, over the white lines standing out upon my slightly toasted flesh. Don’t think about it, don’t think about that night. Opening my eyes slowly, I flash back to the evening of my nightmares, and all the tears come flooding back. Near my left leg a man’s hand lies and his other silences my screams. Torn from life, I lay there lifeless, scared of everything that might come. Waking up in the dark, my head pounds as I try to work out where I am.   An orange glimmer of a street light shines behind me as I comb my fingers through my blood washed hair. Nervously, I creep through the streets, attempting to find my way home. Tired and fragile, I lock my front door and fall sleep on the cold sofa. Tiptoeing into my room, I change into a casual outfit and throw my blood stained clothes away. Opening my curtains, I realise how different my life is going to be after that night. ...

insight five  Isolated rain waters the horizon, as I jog through the woods behind my home. With dug out badger bungalows and lifted roots of willow trees, the forest made a peaceful motherland for all that lived. I slow down my pace when I reach the brown pipe, a long wide tube that can be balanced upon only by the most skilled of beings. Let it be said that I am not talented nor a professional gymnast but somehow I manage to remain upon it. Levelling my arms with my shoulders, I place one foot at a slight angle in front of the other, tracing my movements down the pole. Nearing the end of my performance, I leap into the air and travel a distance only applauded by a single squirrel in the nearby oak tree. Oblivious to the passing of time, I detect a small tear journey down my face, but it’s not me who is melancholy. Tilting my head towards the skies, I feel more droplets dance upon my cheeks. To avoid being showered from head to toe, I dash through the trees to search fo...

insight three  januarys nearly over and i've done nothing... - - - - Smiling at the golden sun beams that disperse over the gloomy village, i grab my shoes and run out the door, excited to enjoy a warm mornings stroll to the forests. Through the branches and tangled grass i see the oak tree, a tall climbable creature. The vast trunk carved in by lovers marking their unpromising future. Suicidal leaves depart from their friends, wanting a life along the soft uneven floor. Thoughts of family gatherings cluster in my mind, red checked blanket and baskets of sandwiches, the memories made here were the happiest my mind can produce. that's all i can manage for now... 👽

insight two         lets be creative... Icy air hits my lungs as i step inside my room, lit only by the sinking sun upon the horizon. With tired eyes and weary limbs, i lie on my bed, staring at the plain ceiling for what feels like hours until i hear the birds screaming outside. Another fight between the robin and sparrow keeps me entertained for a few minutes, but all i can think about is sleep. Needing to cleanse my skin, i stare in the mirror at myself, the rough uniform covered in stains of who knows what. Taking off my tie, i gently place on my desk, as if it was important. Tingling sensations run down my spine as i stand in my underwear, facing the mirror, in the frosty cold, wondering who would ever love... this. Opening and closing my eyes as if to awake from a nightmare, i inhale a universe of air and exhale it deeply. Carefully i remove my bra and underwear, sighing at my stretch marks, thinking about how i hate my chest. Untangling my ha...