Who I am.

insight seventyone how are you lucky? how am I lucky?  so. many. ways.  lucky. i am lucky because of the smaller things. the pop up messages of truth and care, even in the most messy-minded of times. the utter admiration that glows through my screen within the small phrases of uplifting joy, or the surprise paragraphs that make me beam with happiness. the sheer perfection of his personality astounds me, i can never understand how i can deserve such a wonderful person like him. being close to someone who has the power to render me happy and joyous within seconds is the most comfortable i can ever feel in my own skin. the outbursts of anger, sadness or anxiety are all calmed with his smile, his words or his voice. i feel safe. within who i am, within what i think or feel at any given moment. he is my weakness, and my strength. pulling me up when i need a hand, and making me melt at his fingertips, his smile the ultimate kryptonite. i guess you could say im lucky bec...

insight sixtynine all written events are true and to factual correlation. dear him/you/whoever can relate to this, ... wrap your body around my brain for a while, and maybe you'll understand... a door closes shut, and i sigh, but not out of sorrow, well i guess you could say sadness from an escaping happiness driving down the street. i make my way back to my room, counting the steps as i go. thirteen. i fall back onto my bed, a huge smile growing on my face. his scent lies on my pillows and i hold one tight to my chest. i laugh, a small muffle because of my smitten obsession with these hours of fun. closing my eyes, i bite my lip, trying to rid of the smile that is everlasting throughout thoughts of only minutes ago, a feeling of want and need for those moments fills my gushing mind. its been a yellow day: amazing/very happy, i colour in my mood, and smile. the nerves i felt for this one day all fluttered away with the butterflies from my stomach. its astonishing, amazi...

insight sixtyeight it's like that feeling after a long holiday, wandering within the familiar walls and climbing into a familiar bed with the same household smells. a feeling of complete comfort within a home. but can you have this with a person? a sense of belonging from a smile, a touch or embrace? a warm sensation pulling your heart strings into a state of contentment though it is just the owner of a pair of earthy eyes that consume yours without resistance? maybe so. maybe its the feeling i have with a certain individual, a passionate tranquillity that creeps a smile upon my rosy cheeks when he doesn't even notice my inquisitive glaze upon his existence. such as a moment paused in time when you smiled up at me, when laying behind intertwined hands, eyes reflecting the evening sun within your bright complexion. maybe the clocks finally stopped, and i remain glancing at your every feature for a while longer, admiring each centimetre of your face with indented smile lines an...

Insight sixtysix i think im finally ready, ready to talk about all of it. we sit in the small coffee shop, surrounded by busy beings and crying children, the afternoon of a clear blue day - the 25th of November. the potted plants sit on a brown paved floor, small pink flowers drooping down through the green, awaiting the springs warmth to lift them towards the clouds. floating birds meander around the tall oak trees, pushing acorns and dying leaves to the floor, reminding me that winter is still upon us. like any other cold day, layers of thick coats and knitted jumpers lay thrown over wooden chairs, whilst the owners silently queue for a lemon meringue pie or a red jam scone, which maybe accompanied by the finest cappuccino I've ever let my lips indulge. lifting the small smooth pebbles out of my black bag, i lay them out and tell the tale of each, the places they have travelled and the palms they have touched. sliding the fork underneath the lemon icing, i enjoy every taste...

insight sixtyfour I remember when we used to talk until the early hours of dawn.  deep chats about sex or space  or ones that made me laugh in the darkness of the night.  I remember the love hearts, the sweetness that always surrounded us even when we were naive to life  even when we were younger. and back then, I did like you.  your smile and laughter being my drugs  and your nice eyes being a perfect sketch of beauty but happiness combined.  so many littles things we shared  and two quiet moments of intimacy the only moments in which we both  have been silent together  but were loving together  and now we speak into the early hours of a cloudy Sunday morning.  with the same jokes we had before and the same aura we had years ago and I feel the love I felt back then like everything was perfect again and that nothing had changed 

insight sixtythree touch i'm now numb  to your sharp touch tracing through my skin. numb to sensations that travel up my spine the blank relief  which once was new which once supported me you touched the blemishes tallied the cries you touched the places no one can see  yet made them watch me  alone - a poem one day forward  two days back smiles and floral  all turned to black not noticing how the laughter died music so loud it muffled the cries.

insight fiftynine my fingers itch to write, see the words pace across the screen and then read the beauty that i have produced, even when the entire world around me is crashing to its knees. today. today has been a bad day. stomach raging like a screaming child, ears ringing with sounds of students knocking me into walls as i amble towards a new end, eyes drooping with lack of sleep but a raw energy makes me want to sing, dance and do more things than i ever can imagine on a good day. i feel drunk, but i know i haven't had a drop of alcohol in the past 2 days and 4 hours. i feel drunk a lot, days at school or just walking to the bathroom at 3am, when reading an indulging book i just can't put down. i feel the sway of the world, words jittering on a page, head pounding in anger, unsure of it's surroundings. leaning for a wall of support, my steps stumble noticeably but habit, losing my balance in thin air like the puppet master dropped his strings. misspelt words and tange...