4:47

 insight ninetyfour

some people compare it to a black dog, a constant weight that follows you around. a persistence that can eventually be accepted. for me it's more like the wind. not only is it invisible to me, it is invisible to all. work colleagues, friends, family. all of us. hitting me harder without warning, taking me by surprise. the wind itself is sometimes a breeze, and it's not an issue. i can stay afloat and do the day by day. the little control i have allows me to mask the breeze temporarily, allowing a smile or laughter with friends, or motivation to arise for work. but sometimes its a storm, and im out of control. each time i am blown down, and forced to stay there. foundations ripped from the ground, spinning me round and round. leaving my breathless. it varies from day to day, week to week, but recently - it's been all storms and no breathing. now the wind is all around, almost suffocating. moving all the air i need away, and leaving me alone. sometimes i sweeps me off my feet, and drags me away. with no one around, back to the same four walls - alone. before it was in the background, i managed it with distractions and work. but things changed, and i can't ignore it. those distractions removed, and existing in environments that make the storms more frequent, uncontrollable and worse - almost like the current state of the earth. 

speaking of, it is much like hail. all news, articles, tweets, comments, posts, photos. each hitting me hard, unavoidable. so much hatred, injustice and inequality. again, uncontrollable - and that makes it worse. the thousands of lives lost, the people hurt, the earth dying and i can't change a thing. a generation watching adults mess the world will no thoughts for their grandchildren. why would i bring a child into this world, a world i don't want to live in? it's like hail. a direct hit to the arm, leg, shoulder. each word i read, again again a hit. the wind blowing the hail into my eyes and pushing me down. making me cold, in pain and afraid. 

and it gets worse when i see the storm in the distance. the signs are all there. i try to prepare myself, give myself time away - protecting the people i love. but then it hits. and my storm shelter isn't here, he's elsewhere. i can't rely on that. i need to fight it. but i can't. and it is scary when it pushes me further down. and the mentality changes. and it's unsafe. without the defences, the distractions and the warnings - i can't survive. this vicious cycle of warnings and storms continues over and over and over, until i take that final breath, before i am drawn away. 

i tried so hard to express this, but it's like the wind strangles me and i can't speak. that choking feeling holding me hostage. so i tried to signal the pain, a signal in red. but no one around to see. the slow sinking of my mind weighting my body down, and with it my motivations and emotions. making everything unsafe, making me unsafe. i see the warnings signs, but i cannot move. like a house in a storm, the roof, walls - everything crumbling slowly around me. but no way to stop it, no way to calm the storm. soon there will be nothing, nothing left, nothing of me. 

i needed to write how i felt, without reaction or burden. a piece of my mind left in this blog, just like a history or timeline of events. a story of my mental health. my story for all to see.