10:03

insight eightyfour 

friday 4th january

i arrived mid-morning wearing a thin pink jumper, pale jeans and my favourite black vans. his nan opened the door, welcomed me in and talked to me for a short while before i went to find him with my bag in hand and smile blushing into my cheeks. i hug him and kiss his soft lips, i have been waiting for this for too long. his long sleeve shirt pulls tight around his arms as a squeeze them, admiring all of him piece by piece. we sit for a while before i put on some make up, trying to hide the unslept eyes and blemishes that pretty much cover my entire face. we get ready to leave for a fun day ahead, i am happy, so happy i could explode, he's here with me and i-am-happy. i smile at him in the mirror, he hugs around my waist and kisses my cheek - i really do love him.

arriving at Pizza Hut i glance over at him, slightly nervous to have a meal with his grandparents. we sit and eat, talking about family and him and everything in between, i feel at home and happy. we chat and get to know each other like new friends, each conversation feeling so safe and relaxed, they like me (i think) and that brings me so much joy i could scream. he looks so cute with his short hair, so smart - this runs through my head every time i glance at him. we drive over to the bowling alley - crap im shit at bowling, i can only get a strike if im off my tits. we set up, he's first. he bowls and the ball flies down the alley, pins scattering - the speed of it making me smile, damn he's strong. we continue to play, none of us breaking 100 points in the first game. a few spares and dodgy angles leaving him smiley and cheerful at his 130 something win, i just smile: smile at him because he's so happy, smile at us because we are so great, smile at me because i am happy and nothing can change that. we drive home (to his house but i kept accidentally calling it home because... well... it felt like it) and pass the busy cars and talking pedestrians, strangers that i may or may not know in my far reaching future.

back upstairs and sleepy moods, food babies sitting within our stomachs. a few flirty exchanges and sweet kisses arise, his hands so delicate and warm. friday = shower, i remembered my Lush shower gel, the 'how to use' instructions prompting an idea to invite a certain someone to help me in there. i undress, letting my clothes fall off as i stare into the mirror, the scars layered upon my thighs digging deep into my head, the marks on my stomach and the freckles dotted around all stare at my bluntly in the face - how could he love this? i start to spiral but shake it off, im with him in his house for the next few days, i cant possibly do this now. i set the temperature to mild warm, not too hot as my cheeks are already burning. texting him, i hear the footsteps near the door as he steps into the bathroom and smiles at me in the shower. undressing himself i observe his body: his little tummy all pale and flat, his smooth bath with stepping stones of freckles for my fingers to walk on, his long legs stretching far beyond anything mine do, his collar bones that stick out just a bit so that i kiss between them, his little butt that i just want to squeeze till the end of time. he comes into the shower and i pull him under the water, the warm droplets running down our skin and hitting the floor in a constant melodic waterfall. he pushes me against the cold wall and kisses my lips softly, his hands tracing my back - he loves me, he does, i know it now. he showers under the hot spray, his hands dancing bubbles over my body as my fingers run through his hair. he is so hot, cant even deny it... eventually he leaves, dries his beautiful body and sets off into our bed - i wont be long.

we lay together and have a relaxing evening, his hand interlocked in mine with fingers gripping onto the intertwining fate of our hearts. watching Bandersnatch and curled up under the covers, his body hearts warms the depths of my heart and makes my body sing with happiness. settling down at god knows what time he cuddles me slightly before i fall into the best sleep i have ever experienced, his heart beat next to mine. this is what i have waited for, this is what i deserve.

saturday 5th January 

his face, his arms, his feet, he's really there beside me and i cant be more happier. well i could because this pain in my ear is agonising! we lie in bed for a while, talking and exchanging sweet kisses every so often. we watch Bird Box on Netflix and i hide under the covers at scary parts, him laughing at me (such a good film). after dressing in my black top, jeans and grey jacket, we venture down into the kitchen (1 of 2 mind you - mansion) and decide to have pancakes for lunch. singing an array of songs, he sings loving lyrics to me as i smile into his lips, kissing him every so often. a cup of tea down and the washing up done (even though i wasn't allowed to help), i watch him wandering around the kitchen, his little walk and long arms making him seem so particular and adorable - i am obsessed with this boy.

pancakes demolished and Barry the squirrel gone, we head on upstairs and i lick the last of the sugar off my lips, knowing in about 3... 2... 1... he will kiss me. i blush as if its the first time. he takes care of me whilst im ill, tucking me in and stroking my back, tracing my spine and warming the goose bumps that appear. i feel so safe, comfortable, happy with him, here in his bed, in this house, away from home - i love this moment, i never want it to end. laughing at some stupid joke he laughs loudly and smiles wider than i have ever seen, i just want to hug him hard - so sweet and handsome. we laugh for a while, he tackles me and cuddles into me, still giggling at his own jokes - nothing less than perfect. deciding to watch some of the Saw films we start on number 1 and the gore sending my head into a whirl - how am i going to sleep tonight? but i know the answer, him. feeling his heartbeat fluctuate throughout the scenes i stay cuddled up to him as if he could protect me from John Kramer.

finally making the choice on pasta and cheese we wander back down stairs and have a quick chat with his family, all laughing and smiling like normal. again, he doesn't let me help so i sit and put on some Netflix for us to watch whilst he grates the cheese (in a dangerous fashion) into bowls for the each of us. being the obvious master chef winner he is, he serves the food and we watch Brooklyn Nine Nine together, just a normal couple doing normal things and eating some good food - his favourite and starting to become mine.

in bed again, cuddled up and watching films to pass the fast pacing time, thinking about that fact that i don't want these moments to end, from the way he holds me to the way he smiles at me when i make silly comments he is amazing and i cant thank him enough for the happiness he brings me - of course he doesn't know all this because it goes on in my head and i don't speak of it much. i have utterly fallen and i don't think im getting up any time soon.

sunday 6th january

its the final day of this sleepover with him, a slight sadness wells up within me but i remain happy because he is still by my side and looking beautiful as ever. he plays with my hair, tied up in a pony tail and stroking my pain, swirling between my shoulders, making me all relaxed and calm. getting ready for the day ahead i decide to shower and he joins me again, looking good as ever with hair ruffled up and body tensing under the hot water (i love my showers hot as hell - literally). the water runs off his jaw onto my chest as we kiss under the steaming shower, my legs intertwining with him. his butt peachy and squeezable, he leaves me once again but this time smells like my shower gel after washing with it instead - a delightful smell too.

we leave with his family - mum and the great-grandparents - to go to Costco and then another stop at Pizza Hut, a fun adventure into the great unknown and the great well-known. talking to his family about books and anything else on the way there, he squeezes my leg every so often, just to make sure i know he's there and that im okay. as we finally arrive in the huge car park and venture into the big superstore that sells pretty much anything. he holds my hand as we walk around Costco, seeing all the different bits and pieces we could possibly buy, and it makes me realise how much i love holding his hand. the feeling of his fingers in mine makes me feel safe and protected, the warmth of it makes my heart feel warm and sparkle with affection, the way our fingers lock together makes me know he loves me and is proud of me. i-love-it. we then take a brief adventure to Pizza Hut where we laugh and talk about his childhood memories which makes me love him that tiny bit more. i felt so grateful for them and him, his family are so lovely and i felt so fortunate to have a boy with such a lovely family that have welcomed me in and liked me instantaneously. the car journey back was quiet, both grandparents had falling asleep and my eyes drifting from car to car on the road.

getting home and settling down, i get comfortable again and smile at his weary limbs that come crashing onto my stomach, hugging me and not moving at all. i stroked through his hair and made patterns on his back, ensuring he felt relaxed and calm before i start to talk to him about much i care and love him. i tell him that i am there for him and that i am always going to be, i tell him how much i love him and how much i love his features. i lie on his stomach and kiss it, telling him how i love it and how i wouldn't change him for the world - i told the truth, and i hope he knows that.

we decided to have pasta and cheese for dinner and i got dressed to look okay for anyone who may be downstairs. i could pasta and cheese for every meal if it would make him happy because i do love it and if i get to see his smile each time we have it then its worth it to me. he dances around the kitchen, ballet moves as he stirs the pasta and gets the cutlery out, a funny yet adorable sight. the food was amazing as expected and we enjoyed it in peace, away from everything else. i wish i could spend every meal with him, every breakfast lunch and dinner seeing his smiling face and rosy cheeks. i would happy spend the rest of the meals i have left in my life with him.

after packing my back we settle to watch Saw 6,7,8, all the gore, blood and bodies makes me squirm. he pulls me close and makes sure im okay with a quick kiss on the forehead, my smile flickering as he does so. i will miss this, every night we are apart. the time draws to an end quickly but i never want it to end, the moments of intimate cuddles, loving kisses and joyful laughs. everything about these few days makes me smile and makes my heart warm, everything is okay with him, why cant i just stay forever?

home bound and cold, i amble up to bed and shove my bag on the floor, dragging myself into bed and cuddling into his jumper which still faintly smells like him. its so lonely and dark, i hate the feeling. without him here i feel unsafe and unloved, i feel so cold and alone that i put my lights on and some relaxing audio to help me sleep. this is one of so many nights i shall feel alone after a taste of him and how he makes me feel when we are together, especially when we sleep together. there is nothing better than it. i miss him, so much. i miss the way he looks at me, the way he loves my body, the way he laughs and bullies me. i miss him, his everything and it sucks because he's not here. its back to reality in a world in which i am not happy, in which i am lonely, cold and afraid.

- - - - - -

a special message for him - i love you my soldier, nothing more or less than that. i miss you more than you can comprehend, and thank you for the best weekend possibly of my life. you sound amazing playing piano and even though you're sick, i still want to kiss you. TQ xo