Who I am.

Insight eightyfive  Trigger warning - swearing, and a lot of it  Fuck. I’m so fucked. It’s so fucked. Inside i feel like a million things are banging against my head and i cant think straight. I love you, i hate you, i love you, i hate... everything is a cycle. Whirling in my mind, 24/7. It’s all sinking. Like in the sea. Drowning. Slowly feeling the water fill my lungs, not being able to scream. It’s how i feel. “it feels like im watching myself drowning. as if i am staring at a moving picture of a girl slowly dying within cold, dark waters - as if i am watching a nightmare unfold in front of me. a nightmare that, however, sends sweet relief through my veins. i am watching myself, a third person view of the water slowly filling up my lungs, making me choke in desperation. my arms attempting to push against the strong current but not being enough to get my head above the waves. for a short while i could breath, lips gulping the air from above, but slowly as time passed, i...

insight thirtynine Dear my love, i hope you're not too warm up there, maybe wear sun cream in case you burn your pale skin. i have been thinking of you, a lot recently. i sit next to you in geography, can you imagine us pair every lesson... sir would go mad?! i chewed on some chewing gum today, mint flavoured and i remember how you used to sneeze each time you smelt mint, a cute high pitched sneeze every time. school has change, time goes on but i guess everyone has changed. we have welcomed a new member to our friend group, i hope you laugh with us. she's a phan member so im sure you can make an exception. our friend, our squish, has been struggling a lot, her anxiety is through the roof and i just want to roll her up in bubble wrap so she's safe forever. don't blame yourself, she is missing you as are we all. it's surprising how things can change in 17 weeks and 14 days, 133 days. i have lost the love of my life over my stupid mental health, you could've l...

insight thirtyfive i sit on the corner of the white washing basket, listening to the shower spray against the glass curtain beside my head, water flowing from cold to warm. minutes pass and i slowly take off my clothes, fabric falling to the floor as it reveals my tan lined skin, pale in the places i wish to hide. hands over my chest i observe my figure in the mirror, peering down at the hourglass curves in disgust. a slight burning pinches my skin as my toes edge under the shower head, the ocean of pain relief flowing over my shoulders. rinsing the almond bubbles out of my tangled hair, i hum the melody to a sad song i have listened to on my phone, each lyric burning my eyes into a teary mess. digging my nails into my skin, i rip at the insecurities and imperfections that scatter all over my being, skin tearing and bleeding onto the floor below. light darkening as the sun dips behind the tree, the shower water burns red upon my shoulders, my head hug in the bird song silenc...

insight thirtyfour do you ever just not feel? inside your body, your mind feels empty. the numb, lifeless fingertips tracing along the temples of your skull, trying to rid of the headache that has come from feeling empty. thoughtless brain pulsing to your heart, slowing as your breath subsides, completely empty. the mirror reflection staring you down, the pupils so dead as if they had no existence obtained them in their sockets, as if the lungs and veins were entirely empty. thick blood lines trailing through the white just touching the dull grey iris, the sleepless exhaustion making you feel empty. the emotionless voice that disintegrates into a silent whisper, mute and alone but you're supposed to be happy, even when that happy is horribly empty. birds bicker and children argue, noises amplified by the hollowness of your skeleton, everything become an ache, your interior utterly empty. the knowing of homework piled beside your desk, but your body too tired to...

insight thirtytwo you wanna know why I always say goodnight, sleep well, I love you  when you don't reply.  it's because if something happens  to me when the skies are dark  and the world is silent  and I disappear from you  I've told you the truth and something I'd want you to remember  and I'd know  if something  happened to you.  you would have know the truth  and I would of told you what  I really mean  something that will never ever  change; the fact that  I love you more than anything  more than infinite money  because money can't buy you happiness  you give me happiness  us gives me something to live for  something to hold onto  so thank you and goodnight, sleep well I love you  👽

insight twentyfour a warm spring morning creeps through my curtains as the early birds talk within the branches about the daily flight to the feeders, more awake and alert than I. dazed by the beams of gold, I stretch my weary limbs and reach for my phone to check Snapchat, being the stereotypical teenager I am. after much scrolling and yawning, i lunge out of bed and take a jump scare look at my bed hair in the finger stained mirror while fiddling in my draw to find the brush, and maybe the a hair bobble too. much time later, my clothes are on - blue jeans and a grey embroided jumper - and i am heading downstairs to gulp down a cup of luke-warm tea, too happy to be exhausted. singing the new Shawn Mendes song, I enter the garden to say a high pitched hello to my puppy who flipped his toy into the muddy puddle that uses to be the chicken coop - "what did you do that for?" sun gleaming down upon the veg patch, I grab my phone to text my boyfriend about a walk I've ment...

insight twentythree Sometimes it's the tranquil silent that surrounds you as you sit in wendy house at the bottom of a garden that makes you realise the pure beauty of nature. Listening to the bird that sweep in-n-out the trees and the cars that buzz by with people driving within, people who you do not know. It's not that you've ignored their conversation, or that you've never spent the time to visit their living space, it is the innocent factor of that you have never seen their face, nor seen their piercing smile with the small dimples in their cheeks; they're merely a stranger in your life. And as i sit dimly lit by golden lantern on my right, that sits by a peach drink - just perfect for the spring season - i read my book alone in my own thoughts, dangerous but calm. And a small smile grows on my face as the words on the page relate to a boy i know and love. Even though he does not know i'm thinking of him and doesn't know that all these ideas bring me ...

insight nineteen it's hard to explain depression to someone who doesn't suffer it. it's like a rucksack on your back, that is full of bricks, weighing you down and making you constantly feel empty and down. even when you sleep, you feel the bag, making it uncomfortable to sleep. sometimes it gets heavier, making some days worst that others. some people add bricks, making it worse for you to keep smiling throughout that day. sometimes suddenly you feel weak, and you cant smile, and the bricks push you down, further down into a vortex of unwanted thoughts and sadness. each day, i wish i could forget it all, but i cant. i feel my eyes become weary and i just want to curl up in bed and sleep, forget about my problems, expectations and issues inside my head. even sleep doesn't help, doesn't refresh me, doesn't help, just makes me more exhausted. the sleepless nights make me worse. why. why do i push everyone away, people who actually treat me right i push away,...

insight fourteen Existence noun - the fact or state of living or having objective reality why do I exist? why do I keep in existing? what the point? i can't sleep. i don't want to eat. my head bangs like sea into a wall. my body aches constantly. my shoulders heavy from exhausted lies. w hy do I try to continue? done adje ctive - no longer happening or existing ⛔

insight thirteen she smiled as she passed the cream house on the way to school, clean windows with the china plates and bouquets of lilies sitting upon the ledge. a cheerful glimmer reflected off her blue eyes, brightening the mornings of the people who saw her. viewing the empty bus stop she strolled towards it, taking in the peace that hugged her. Sie lügt. murmuring the words of a Green Day song, she grinned at the small dogs that were playfully bounding after a stick, not a care in the world. everyone talked to her, asking about her weekend and how her amazing relationship was going; she spoke proudly of herself, not in a boasting sort of way, but in a soft and intriguing way. Es ist zu gut, um wahr zu sein. friends greeted her as they wandered up to class, another lesson with good grades and disruptive children. reading her book slowly, her mind escapes to the Sunday with the boy of her dreams. one smooth hand slipped into hers, his deep brown eyes fixated on her soft l...

insight twelve I miss you. I miss you when I'm standing alone listening to my music at the bus stop. I miss you when we are in the field. I miss you in Maths with my bumpy ruler. I miss you sending me Korean memes. I miss the holding hands, your small little hands. I miss everything that I could've said to you. I miss me. I miss the old me. I miss the happiness and the no worries. I miss the wanting to live or having the effort to. I miss sleeping, looking in the mirror and enjoying what I saw. I miss being so indulged in school that I don't need to worry about my grades. I miss being a person that I enjoyed. I miss having perfect skin and unscared limbs. I miss being someone I knew someone could love. I would miss you if you left. I would miss the laugh. I would miss the YouTube references you made. I would miss the random chats. I would miss the cute nicknames. I would miss the Trust we had. I would miss you. I don't want to miss you. I miss us. I miss the way...

insight ten where do i begin. the stupid mistakes of my past have made me who i am. for the worse i may add. the blind me of the past that couldn't see what was right in front of her. imagine me screaming, crying, looking into a mirror and shouting all of this at myself, trying to punish my reflection for being so weak. why. why did i stay. you played me from the fucking start and you ruined my faith in love. why. i hate you so much and i hope you get hurt so bad you feel as shit as i do because of a lying girlfriend that rips your heart to shreds. no one will heal these wounds you've pressed into my mind. the bullshit you told me about being trustworthy was about as true as trumps speeches. you are poison and i hope someone cleanses you. you're such a shitty person, you've made me not trust anyone, my boyfriend or any friend. you have made me paranoid that he will cheat and break my heart when i know damn well he's the most perfect thing that i have in my life. y...

insight eight wind weaves through my torn jumper as I sprint through the deserted forest, frost biting at every branch. cradling my frayed grey bag in my arms, i exhale heavy mist from my chapped lips. I have come too far to stop, I must keep running.  escaping. journeying onto a free land. ~ this helped me win a writing competition in my area ... yay big crowds and posh people ...  ~ 👽

insight seven Trigger warning - insinuation of SA (entirely fictional) I flinch as I run my fingers over my legs, over the white lines standing out upon my slightly toasted flesh. Don’t think about it, don’t think about that night. Opening my eyes slowly, I flash back to the evening of my nightmares, and all the tears come flooding back. Near my left leg a man’s hand lies and his other silences my screams. Torn from life, I lay there lifeless, scared of everything that might come. Waking up in the dark, my head pounds as I try to work out where I am.   An orange glimmer of a street light shines behind me as I comb my fingers through my blood washed hair. Nervously, I creep through the streets, attempting to find my way home. Tired and fragile, I lock my front door and fall sleep on the cold sofa. Tiptoeing into my room, I change into a casual outfit and throw my blood stained clothes away. Opening my curtains, I realise how different my life is going to be after that night. ...

insight six  it's late at night. 1 am to be precise. everyone is sleeping, everything is quiet. it feels eerie and unnatural. but then again, it is the early night of a new day. 1:02 thinking of you 1:03 I miss you 1:04 I want you 1:05 I love you 1:06 thinking of love 1:07 hating it too 1:08...  too tired to open my eyes, but my brains awake with you. thoughts run in my mind, not telling me sleep. keeping me from thinking of anything else. needing your embrace due to a broken heater. needing that comfort I desire most late at night. nights like these where I need your calm words. loving voice and warm hands. feeling sick with the fact I haven't eaten. feeling lonely with the fact that you aren't here beside me. with your brown floppy hair and your dusky brown eyes. with your cheesy smile and contagious laugh. I'm lonely without the love I don't know how to feel. lonely without the trust I don't rely on. lonely without the lover in my life that keeps me...

insight four  Waking up to my alarm screaming, i stumble over to my desk and attempt to open my blind eyes. Stretching off the night, i listen to the silence... no children or parents yelling... Seeming too perfect to be my life, i wander into to each room of the house. No one. Am i dreaming? I dress in jeans and an average top, still unsure of this day. I check my hair, eyes and birth marks to make sure im still me. Grabbing some breakfast of pancakes with banana and maple syrup, i sit down to take in the happy silence that hugs me. Climbing the stairs into my room, my bed is made even though im all alone. Someone's here? I check each room carefully, making sure the imposter isn't hiding. Breathing a sigh of a relief, i put my vinyl player on and hum the rhythm of my favourite song. A small smile grew across my face as I looked out my bedroom window, gazing onto the orange and red flames of the sunrise. Silently, wind blew through the forest beyond, causing ...

insight one  you know what, love is horrible. loving someone, giving them your heart and then have them rip it up and betray you like you were nothing. leaving you and them to suffer. or just you. bad relationships are toxic. keeping you in only to be hurt and made cry. so addicted to your lover that you cant see how poisonous they are. that is the worst type of love. the love that traps you, that suffocates you with lies. the love that keeps you wrapped up in untrue thoughts. the love that blinds you from how nasty the other person is, and makes you believe that they are 'the one'. its the worst. being in an unhealthy relationship. its depressing. it puts you in a position where you have to change. break their heart to save your own. but the hurt still carries with you, the cheating pain that dissolves your faith in romance for months on end. the lack of desire in your heart crushes any chance of you believing someone when they say 'i love you'. destroys any trust...