9:45

insight ninetythree

trigger warning - weight

i’ve always had a rocky relationship with my weight. ever since i was younger i was more curvy than other girls; not naturally thin. my chest and hips developed a lot earlier and a lot faster than other girls in my year - it made it hard to like how i looked. i know some of this is down to genetics and biology but it is hard in a school setting to see this as something i cannot control. sometimes i found myself looking okay or nice in a certain outfit but i always felt aware of my body if people took photos or how i looked in certain positions. when you sit and your thighs squish, mine were bigger or when guys talk about a thigh gap, which i didn't have - it made me more and more self conscious. as stereotypical as it is, social media did increase this confidence issue a lot and this only grew over the years (everyone know the ins and outs of that discussion). i am never comfortable talking about it, even if it isn’t me. people talking about not wanting to be over weight or doing case studies in class - i find it difficult and it leaves me low, feeling attacked or directed at. its a sensitive topic for me, more so than a lot of other things i have been through. i still don’t know the answer as to why that is but i’m working on it.

from around 2016 to 2019 my mental health wasn’t in the best of places - it still isn't now but we’ll go into that. it fluctuated up and down but i had some very low points. these lead to me comfort eat or binge eat until i felt full - both physically and emotionally. after delving deeper into these types of habits and disorders i have come to better understand what i went through. i ate to feel in control, feel whole and to feel soothed; i had no other support around me that made me feel the way eating did. i went through a lot, alongside my friends and we all had my coping mechanisms - that was mine. i slowly gained weight and i felt awful about it but kept with the habit to feel better about that too. it was a cycle of self destructive behaviour. over eating wasn’t the only habit that made me gain this weight. lack of exercise was a killer too. if you asked anyone who knows me they would say i’m a hardworking nerd because from year 10 to the end of A levels i worked so hard on my education. it paid off academically but took a toll on me physically. this sitting down and doing revision and notes for averaging 6 hours a day with breaks only for eating, sleeping or school - it made me gain the weight too. this lethal combination alongside feeling that i had no time to prioritise myself either in a mental or physical health capacity - i was left overweight and depressed.

after reflecting over these years, i wanted to make this year different. i am actually feeling able to discuss this and acknowledge what went wrong and what i can maybe do looking forward. every New Year’s i would make the resolution of losing weight but never actually put it into action. only for prom in year 11 did i make a conscious effort to lose a few pounds to make the dress look better - it didn’t but i felt pretty. over the Christmas holidays i hit a large turning point. with the end of the decade looming i did a lot of looking over what i had been doing with my life and what i want it to be. using my ‘ideal self’ as a template for habits i would like to break and new routines i was to enforce. this brought the ‘2020 vibes’ movement i started in my head. i recognised that this bad mental health is the cause of my weight problem and the most prominent thought i have is that i hate how i look. i realised the scale of this self loathing during dates with my boyfriend. valentine’s day being ruined by my hatred for what i saw in the mirror. always very aware that he looks a lot healthier and thinner than i do. always feeling the need to hide away; never feeling enough for him. social constraints of similar appearance between partners made me feel so inadequate to him - i think he knows that i felt and feel this way too. i noticed this in everything i did. not wanting to eat and feeling judged if i ate something such as a KFC in public - worried people thinking thats regular for me. so many individual moments spring to mind whilst i write this, which is why i decided to change.

from January 6th (the obvious party on years and a bit of time to feel sad about the past decade postponed my efforts) i was determined to change myself. i knew that in making my appearance better i would feel a lot better within myself and be able to better my mind also. ‘2020 vibes’ became a motto i kept annoying my friends with but it was really helping me push myself to new limits. from the start of January i ran and still run 3 times a week. i started with the couch to 5k app (which i cannot recommenced enough) and then i continued with 30 minutes each turn. i love it, it gives me a challenge and routine that i enjoy. i can feel the effects on my body - stronger muscles, fastest pace and lower heart rate overall. it has helped me feel mentally stronger and proud of how far i have come. i threw myself into school work but ensured i had time away to enjoy what i love to do. 2020, like i said, was going to be my year. within this is have been eating a lot healthier. i was previously eating well before but lacked breakfast and a constant supply of vegetables. this lead to me making myself better lunches and trying to get up in time for breakfast. i have tried so hard but it hasn’t come without bumps - but i’m still trying and i feel a lot better in myself. even though i still dislike what i see in the mirror, at least i am doing something to change that.

this virus has brought a wrecking ball to my routine. my sleep schedule has disappeared and i have felt too low and down to do anything. it has hit me hard, as i said school was my life and this really put a dent in my days. however i am trying to make the best of it. of course i have som bad days and some good. on certain days i feel low and i accept that that is okay. this sudden stop of A levels and isolation from friends is difficult. cabin fever is setting in and staying home gets boring. but i am trying better routines to get my life into a good state. i have started to meditate and do yoga every day to allow my mind to be at peace for a few moments. i am a constant overthink-er and this is actually helping me relax myself in the mornings and throughout the day. i am attempting to get my regular sleeping hours in and not waking up at midday. my meals could be improved and they will; i’m cooking more for myself now as men just like easy food - chips and nuggets. stir fry and potato fritters are becoming a regular and they’re tasty and healthy too. i am still not 100% okay but i am getting there and i am willing to make something good out of this and spend sometime practicing self care and making sure i am more content within myself by the time university rolls around. this is helping me feel in control of a situation i have no control in - i’m a control freak. i am documenting this to recognise what i have been through and what i aim to do next; this is helping my visualise and vocalise my thoughts and realise more aspects of my life i may need to delve into. its going to be a long summer so may as well make the most of it.

from this, i hope you take a few things: knowledge of my past, empowerment for your future and 2020 vibes :))