Who I am.

insight sixtyfour I remember when we used to talk until the early hours of dawn.  deep chats about sex or space  or ones that made me laugh in the darkness of the night.  I remember the love hearts, the sweetness that always surrounded us even when we were naive to life  even when we were younger. and back then, I did like you.  your smile and laughter being my drugs  and your nice eyes being a perfect sketch of beauty but happiness combined.  so many littles things we shared  and two quiet moments of intimacy the only moments in which we both  have been silent together  but were loving together  and now we speak into the early hours of a cloudy Sunday morning.  with the same jokes we had before and the same aura we had years ago and I feel the love I felt back then like everything was perfect again and that nothing had changed 

insight fortyfour rain trickles down the blotched white roof of the conservatory and the loud taps echo through my left ear. music blasting through a single headphone in the other, that specific scent rolls through my open window and surrounds me as I dangle my bare legs over the frame. the sheer sound and tranquillity that comes from 3 am rain calms my faded soul and clears my mind of everything cluttered. clouds float over the trees as I wait in anticipation for the sunrise, phone balanced on lap listening to music. danger strikes through me as my mind flickers to the untimely death of the ifs and buts in the event of falling however I relax myself by staring out the blurry glass, simply watching the water droplets race to the bottom. at times like these i thank my sleep problems for keeping me up at the lonely hours, for helping my eyes strain at a laptop screen to type these very words whilst everyone else is taken away to the land of steady breathing and ...

insight thirtytwo you wanna know why I always say goodnight, sleep well, I love you  when you don't reply.  it's because if something happens  to me when the skies are dark  and the world is silent  and I disappear from you  I've told you the truth and something I'd want you to remember  and I'd know  if something  happened to you.  you would have know the truth  and I would of told you what  I really mean  something that will never ever  change; the fact that  I love you more than anything  more than infinite money  because money can't buy you happiness  you give me happiness  us gives me something to live for  something to hold onto  so thank you and goodnight, sleep well I love you  👽

insight twentyfour a warm spring morning creeps through my curtains as the early birds talk within the branches about the daily flight to the feeders, more awake and alert than I. dazed by the beams of gold, I stretch my weary limbs and reach for my phone to check Snapchat, being the stereotypical teenager I am. after much scrolling and yawning, i lunge out of bed and take a jump scare look at my bed hair in the finger stained mirror while fiddling in my draw to find the brush, and maybe the a hair bobble too. much time later, my clothes are on - blue jeans and a grey embroided jumper - and i am heading downstairs to gulp down a cup of luke-warm tea, too happy to be exhausted. singing the new Shawn Mendes song, I enter the garden to say a high pitched hello to my puppy who flipped his toy into the muddy puddle that uses to be the chicken coop - "what did you do that for?" sun gleaming down upon the veg patch, I grab my phone to text my boyfriend about a walk I've ment...

insight thirteen she smiled as she passed the cream house on the way to school, clean windows with the china plates and bouquets of lilies sitting upon the ledge. a cheerful glimmer reflected off her blue eyes, brightening the mornings of the people who saw her. viewing the empty bus stop she strolled towards it, taking in the peace that hugged her. Sie lügt. murmuring the words of a Green Day song, she grinned at the small dogs that were playfully bounding after a stick, not a care in the world. everyone talked to her, asking about her weekend and how her amazing relationship was going; she spoke proudly of herself, not in a boasting sort of way, but in a soft and intriguing way. Es ist zu gut, um wahr zu sein. friends greeted her as they wandered up to class, another lesson with good grades and disruptive children. reading her book slowly, her mind escapes to the Sunday with the boy of her dreams. one smooth hand slipped into hers, his deep brown eyes fixated on her soft l...

insight six  it's late at night. 1 am to be precise. everyone is sleeping, everything is quiet. it feels eerie and unnatural. but then again, it is the early night of a new day. 1:02 thinking of you 1:03 I miss you 1:04 I want you 1:05 I love you 1:06 thinking of love 1:07 hating it too 1:08...  too tired to open my eyes, but my brains awake with you. thoughts run in my mind, not telling me sleep. keeping me from thinking of anything else. needing your embrace due to a broken heater. needing that comfort I desire most late at night. nights like these where I need your calm words. loving voice and warm hands. feeling sick with the fact I haven't eaten. feeling lonely with the fact that you aren't here beside me. with your brown floppy hair and your dusky brown eyes. with your cheesy smile and contagious laugh. I'm lonely without the love I don't know how to feel. lonely without the trust I don't rely on. lonely without the lover in my life that keeps me...