6:49

insight eightytwo 
it’s at this time of year when I miss you most. another year without you and i need you more than ever. i saw a rainbow today, across the sky near where i now go to school, when listening to a song about losing someone you love that touches my heart every time it plays. i went back to our school, collecting some old work from before, to a place that holds so many memories and pain that i wished not to stay for long. you were there, i felt it, i felt you there with me in the hall, as if you had never left. i left you there, trapped in that school because how can i imagine you anywhere else?

it’s coming up to christmas and i miss you most. i need you here to shower with gifts and a card holding love enclosed within. a merrry christmas feeling not so jolly without you, a saddening weight in my heart for you family at this time of year. another christmas without you, my angel, another festivity without you to sing with, or to enjoy snow days with, or moan how cold it is at the bus stop.

i’m really struggling right now Lucy, i really need you by my side. i feel as if everything would be okay with you here. as tears roll down my face i wish for you, more than ever before, even though i know it won’t change everything that has happened.

you have missed so much of our lives. i have now got a boyfriend who isn’t like the last, a person you love and knew i’d end up with. you should see him now, oh how he’s grown. how happy we are, he is. our new friend has settled so perfectly into our complicated friend circle, and continues to thrive at school. we’re going to a concert next year, with him, on the 2 year date of your parting. how memorable it will be, the support we will share and the songs we will sing. for you, with you in our heart and in our heads. you should be here now to see this, all the new music, new friends, new memories in which we have to imagine you in.

it hurts to say that you’re gone, still, and that you haven’t just gone away for a while, returning with a beaming smile and a beautiful face. you have changed how i see the world, how i see people and certainly how i see life. i thank you so much for that. i really do.

but again. i can’t deny the fact that i am struggling, finding it harder and harder to not want to be with you, not want to see you again and join you in the clouds upon which you lay. please come home again and show me that laugh i love so much. remember to read the thoughts and messages i send to you, helping myself remind who i’m living for, who i want people to remember, who i want people to know who shaped me to be who i am.

i miss you L <3