Who I am.

insight eightyseven (I’m going to talk to you about something that happened to me, nothing dramatic or news worthy, but something that happened that has stuck in my mind every single day.) Valentine’s Day – 14th Feb. 2019 Eyeshadow. Mascara. Lip gloss. Powder. I put on my make up, and stare into the dirty mirror, observing the faded imperfections covered by layers of concealer, trying to fill in the cracks of the broken self. Deep breathes of encouragement and a flicker of a smile, I start to change into the dress I meticulously chose from hours of searching for the perfect outfit to impress my boyfriend. Finishing up with my simple jewellery, I twist my hair through my fingers and think of all the multitudes of things I could do to style it. I decide to try to curl, just light waves that could drop onto my shoulders in an attempt to look pretty. I start off okay, one curl this way, one curl that way, a few tugs but it looks alright. Time flies and it gets worse and worse, burns...

insight eightyfour  f riday 4th january i arrived mid-morning wearing a thin pink jumper, pale jeans and my favourite black vans. his nan opened the door, welcomed me in and talked to me for a short while before i went to find him with my bag in hand and smile blushing into my cheeks. i hug him and kiss his soft lips, i have been waiting for this for too long. his long sleeve shirt pulls tight around his arms as a squeeze them, admiring all of him piece by piece. we sit for a while before i put on some make up, trying to hide the unslept eyes and blemishes that pretty much cover my entire face. we get ready to leave for a fun day ahead, i am happy, so happy i could explode, he's here with me and i-am-happy. i smile at him in the mirror, he hugs around my waist and kisses my cheek - i really do love him. arriving at Pizza Hut i glance over at him, slightly nervous to have a meal with his grandparents. we sit and eat, talking about family and him and everything in between, i fe...

insight eighty i can't even deny it. i am obsessed with you. it's like a wave of emotion has washed over me, and i see how much i have fallen for you, how much i have fallen flat on my face for you. im obsessed with the way you look at me when i smile, your eyes dead set on my lips as i tease you. im obsessed with the way you hold me tight, and wrap your arms around me, keeping me close. im obsessed with your face when you're resting, sleeping so pure and precious. im obsessed with your touch and your hands tracing on my back, your fingertips so light and smooth. im obsessed with your laugh when i say something stupid, sighing in disappointment but still smiling in love. im obsessed with the way you make me feel and the support you give me, holding me and letting me ramble about everything in my head, not wavering when my voices cracks in near-set tears. im obsessed with everything you : your life, your family, your hobbies, your dislikes - i want to know it all and more....

insight seventynine A few small poems recovered from the notes in my phone -  jumper a burgundy hood hides my messy hair ties ravelled within it the sleeves too long for my arms like little mittens covering my hands just my finger tips showing proud deeper into the woven material is a boy a tall handsome man with a piercing smile bright eyes and a smart mind he being one of few things i hold close to my heart and by close i mean within it a boy who fought to be there a scent of him throws me off tracks my mind wishing it to be a hug from his long arms fitting into these long sleeves - wrapping them around me a smell that i cant unrecognize  subtle reminding of who i have near smiling before the glazed surface my rosy cheeks staring back at me hiding the lines from smiles around my mouth with the oversized phenomenon that is this jacket this hoodie that represents so much more than just warmth also him, and love, and happ...

insight seventyseven you know its back when you type that fully explained message for all the reasons you aren't okay, but delete it and simply type 'im fine', even though you drop you phone and cover you mouth to silence the crying that occurs seconds after you press send. you know its back when you notice yourself distancing your time away from friends and family, snapping back and closing off those walls you tried to so hard to reopen. you know its back when you cant sleep, eat or do anything besides procrastinate and waste your time on things that will never matter. you know its back when you want to scream everything from the top of your lungs but you don't have the energy to. you know its back when you worry about every individual action you take and constantly feel apologetic for being ever so slightly wrong. i don't want to ruin this, i don't want to ruin us, i don't want to ruin me. but i know its back when i just need that one person to wrap t...

insight seventysix 8th of September 2018 - s a quick note after an evening of   smiles  :) His fingertips trace my back, inch by inch of my bare skin, as if I let him touch the real mortal soul of mine. breathing close, heartbeats pulse again my chest, a steady rhythm of existence pleasing my every sense, pleasing my smile even brighter to know he's right there beside me. my hand glides over his back, the dip of his spine creating a river to trail down, a slow dance of intimacy and enjoyment. eyes closing again, I lay my head upon his shoulder and smile at our hours in the night spent lying together in a place that curls around me and holds me tight, a place I call home.  - - - he stands taller than me, peaking around my hair as I adjust my clothing, ready to leave for a lonely bed. he smiles and talks of sweet nothings about me, making me smile and feel utterly melted by his adoration and adorable serious tone. turning to face him, he pulls his hand to my cheek an...

insight seventyfour prom day - 22/6/18 from sleeping till wake, my mind occupies the thoughts about prom, all those hours away but yet the excitement brews within me already. stretching off the interrupted slumber, busy feet rush around awaiting the school buses for their fresh souls to be taken upon. slowly i pull myself out of bed, wishing for a burst of energy but confronted by a chaotic day of getting ready for that final school gathering for all eternity - a slightly unsettling feeling. mixed emotions stare me in the face as i attempt to save my skin with cleansers and moisturisers in which do nothing to hide the grey circles around my blue eyes. throwing on some old tattered clothes, i eat as little as possible to aid a flatter stomach in my beautiful pink dress, a princess's gown awaiting my presence. sitting for hours in a small room filled with acrylic smells and organised shelves, i converse about my life like she is interested, a warm comforting feeling arising ...

insight seventythree May 28th - guarded strings i don't know how, but you did. you carved into my chest like a daisy's root into soil. the tender tears of slow devotion  that left a certain mark, or  scar in the place of my pulse. you managed to curve around my ribs so elegantly and unseen. as if the internal darkness shadowed your every move, every footstep as you reached out beyond the expanding breaths, further from the light of day. i let my guards down so easily their strong bones and large inhales parted for only your inspection. within a lengthy exhale, you meander  towards my heart strings, the vulnerable part of mine. maybe i know how you did it, a method so complex it took years to perfect. but as soon as disaster strikes, i feel your warmth within my heart, the beating place of daisy's; the scared place you call home. 

insight seventyone how are you lucky? how am I lucky?  so. many. ways.  lucky. i am lucky because of the smaller things. the pop up messages of truth and care, even in the most messy-minded of times. the utter admiration that glows through my screen within the small phrases of uplifting joy, or the surprise paragraphs that make me beam with happiness. the sheer perfection of his personality astounds me, i can never understand how i can deserve such a wonderful person like him. being close to someone who has the power to render me happy and joyous within seconds is the most comfortable i can ever feel in my own skin. the outbursts of anger, sadness or anxiety are all calmed with his smile, his words or his voice. i feel safe. within who i am, within what i think or feel at any given moment. he is my weakness, and my strength. pulling me up when i need a hand, and making me melt at his fingertips, his smile the ultimate kryptonite. i guess you could say im lucky bec...

insight sixtynine all written events are true and to factual correlation. dear him/you/whoever can relate to this, ... wrap your body around my brain for a while, and maybe you'll understand... a door closes shut, and i sigh, but not out of sorrow, well i guess you could say sadness from an escaping happiness driving down the street. i make my way back to my room, counting the steps as i go. thirteen. i fall back onto my bed, a huge smile growing on my face. his scent lies on my pillows and i hold one tight to my chest. i laugh, a small muffle because of my smitten obsession with these hours of fun. closing my eyes, i bite my lip, trying to rid of the smile that is everlasting throughout thoughts of only minutes ago, a feeling of want and need for those moments fills my gushing mind. its been a yellow day: amazing/very happy, i colour in my mood, and smile. the nerves i felt for this one day all fluttered away with the butterflies from my stomach. its astonishing, amazi...

insight sixtyeight it's like that feeling after a long holiday, wandering within the familiar walls and climbing into a familiar bed with the same household smells. a feeling of complete comfort within a home. but can you have this with a person? a sense of belonging from a smile, a touch or embrace? a warm sensation pulling your heart strings into a state of contentment though it is just the owner of a pair of earthy eyes that consume yours without resistance? maybe so. maybe its the feeling i have with a certain individual, a passionate tranquillity that creeps a smile upon my rosy cheeks when he doesn't even notice my inquisitive glaze upon his existence. such as a moment paused in time when you smiled up at me, when laying behind intertwined hands, eyes reflecting the evening sun within your bright complexion. maybe the clocks finally stopped, and i remain glancing at your every feature for a while longer, admiring each centimetre of your face with indented smile lines an...

insight sixtyseven individual lines of thought - of love i never intended for it to get this far as lips perk into a smile. open arms wrap around your waist; vivid heart beat dancing against my chest, every second an hour of indulgence. his shoulders tall to reach with isolated happiness in that moment - much love shared from two. i'm happy, i finally am. he is my happy . :)

insight sixtyfive i honestly just want to write, rant, talk about what's racing around my head, racing down my face, racing like my heart. him, him and him. they know how it happened, you're no longer  the victim. it wasn't love or passion more of a complex act of control  and intentional scarring. hands intertwining, fingers latching on. get out of my head. its the late night mysterious boy  with the beckoning call of lust and need for a girl to comfort his wants, but that's no longer me. bodies closing in, eyes locking together. banish it from my mind. your warmth drawing me near, a comfort and safe place to escape to. a single conversation bringing a smile, always a smile. never anything less. cheeks rose with admiration, a simple brief touch. a welcoming imagination i cherish.

insight fiftyfive For 5 days of this week I travelled around Iceland, exploring and conquering fears whilst admiring the picturesque scenery. I also kept a diary and here it is... day one - 16.10.17 8am and the coach is packed, music blares from tangled headphones and happy children excite over the upcoming "fieldtrip" to the small cold country of Iceland. not caring about the lengthy travel ahead, she and i sang a duet from High School musical and consumed sugary delights to the point of a dancing high. Airport looming over head, the constant chatter and security guards made the mood less enjoyable. seated on the plane with a chicken wrap and coffee in hand, the houses disappeared into a satisfying cloudy mess that rose above any problems left behind. storm brewing behind, other flights are cancelled to areas affected, luckily we flew right into the cold winds of Iceland without any issues expect only finding the colouring books 10 minutes before landing. after a tire...