9:57

 

insight ninetyfive

i felt a need to write again. to allow my thoughts a place to exist, without any eyes or ears. something weird is happening and i can't quite understand what it is. am i pushing others away and slowly isolating myself again? or am i losing my relationship because of miscommunication, personal issues, and adult growth? it is a difficult battle to know which is which, but also to know which is right for me. do i need time to figure out myself, work on my mental and physical health, and return a better and more honest me? or do i need to get help - support myself before it becomes too late? 

there's a lot of aspects of a relationship that are important and hold unique value, such as the unconditional love, a consistent support system and someone who knows you so intimately that you can be your most vulnerable with them without perceived judgement. and they're hard, no one ever says relationships are easy but time gives people space to learn and grow to support the other person and the relationship as a whole. communication is the most important, and it is difficult to know how to improve that when it is constantly broken. personal issues can be resolved but their impact in relationships can hinder its growth, regardless of your personal state. is it me or is it us?

i have to make a lot of big decisions soon and these will impact me for the rest of my life. and i am scared i will make the wrong one. there is a lot of effort going into my future and myself, moving so far away that seems such an unnecessary distance if everything collapses and i have to move back. 

looking at myself and writing this down makes me realise this all needs to be said within said relationship. my honest anxieties and worries openly shown to try and work through these areas. i feel i am at a crossroads with many voices telling me which direction to go in, unable to single out my voice - my choice. 

i am a strong person. i want to see myself grow and am willing to put in that work. i have been putting in that work. i can manage myself and make myself happy, but other people are necessary to encourage that. i love my friends and my partner. they have a lot of value to me and have made me the person i am today. but i don't know when is time to let some things go in search of a better self and more improved me. i deserve to be happy and comfortable, i deserve someone who loves me and works with me. opening up and helping themselves as much as i do to reciprocate that work we put into that relationship combined. trying to understand why things happen and how they made each person feel - sometimes feeling like one step forward, two steps back, which is an exhausting path to take. 

i am unsure. there is a lot to consider, and deeply think about without external voices telling you to do one thing or another. when your closest friend thinks splitting up is the best idea but your heart couldn't bear that. i think there is a lot to reflect on, and i will spend time doing so. 

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