Who I am.

insight thirtyfive i sit on the corner of the white washing basket, listening to the shower spray against the glass curtain beside my head, water flowing from cold to warm. minutes pass and i slowly take off my clothes, fabric falling to the floor as it reveals my tan lined skin, pale in the places i wish to hide. hands over my chest i observe my figure in the mirror, peering down at the hourglass curves in disgust. a slight burning pinches my skin as my toes edge under the shower head, the ocean of pain relief flowing over my shoulders. rinsing the almond bubbles out of my tangled hair, i hum the melody to a sad song i have listened to on my phone, each lyric burning my eyes into a teary mess. digging my nails into my skin, i rip at the insecurities and imperfections that scatter all over my being, skin tearing and bleeding onto the floor below. light darkening as the sun dips behind the tree, the shower water burns red upon my shoulders, my head hug in the bird song silenc...

insight thirty i stare at the gloomy reflection on my wall, the tired under-eyes growing dark with fatigue, messy hair shoved up in a half-hearted bun, not even attempting to reach on the desk for my brush. want, desire, need; the longing for that one close hug that would lift every cloud that covers my happiness, that one scent of love that can send me into an uncontrollable high of calm and emotion - feeling something other than sadness. nothing happened, just the blissful silence of a plane soaring through the sky, just the slow crinkle of my bed sheet as i let my arms go limp, still holding onto the corners i was ruffling.  more tears run down my pale cheeks as all the built up misery bursts out into the open privacy of my bedroom, no reason just the constant weight of melancholy grief that remains, making every day the same. than me, every other person had it worse - is that what makes my thoughts so unwanted and repetit...

insight twentyeight Shakespeare's love by me. night drew dark as the wind whistles blew cold creeping under the covers of her bed staring at pixelated images of a girl she once knew now that girl is the reflection who wishes her dead pillow gripped near as the scent whispers calm the sweet tear from closed eyes role down bright visions of him lying left of her arm the throat crushing pain of wanting him around blood rivers weaving through the path of her sight ceiling caves into sadness that does consume one desired wish for him could set her right the intertwined happiness in one lonely bedroom ache of love strikes that heart too hard her mind wishing she was under the graveyard 👽

insight twentyfour a warm spring morning creeps through my curtains as the early birds talk within the branches about the daily flight to the feeders, more awake and alert than I. dazed by the beams of gold, I stretch my weary limbs and reach for my phone to check Snapchat, being the stereotypical teenager I am. after much scrolling and yawning, i lunge out of bed and take a jump scare look at my bed hair in the finger stained mirror while fiddling in my draw to find the brush, and maybe the a hair bobble too. much time later, my clothes are on - blue jeans and a grey embroided jumper - and i am heading downstairs to gulp down a cup of luke-warm tea, too happy to be exhausted. singing the new Shawn Mendes song, I enter the garden to say a high pitched hello to my puppy who flipped his toy into the muddy puddle that uses to be the chicken coop - "what did you do that for?" sun gleaming down upon the veg patch, I grab my phone to text my boyfriend about a walk I've ment...

insight thirteen she smiled as she passed the cream house on the way to school, clean windows with the china plates and bouquets of lilies sitting upon the ledge. a cheerful glimmer reflected off her blue eyes, brightening the mornings of the people who saw her. viewing the empty bus stop she strolled towards it, taking in the peace that hugged her. Sie lügt. murmuring the words of a Green Day song, she grinned at the small dogs that were playfully bounding after a stick, not a care in the world. everyone talked to her, asking about her weekend and how her amazing relationship was going; she spoke proudly of herself, not in a boasting sort of way, but in a soft and intriguing way. Es ist zu gut, um wahr zu sein. friends greeted her as they wandered up to class, another lesson with good grades and disruptive children. reading her book slowly, her mind escapes to the Sunday with the boy of her dreams. one smooth hand slipped into hers, his deep brown eyes fixated on her soft l...

insight seven Trigger warning - insinuation of SA (entirely fictional) I flinch as I run my fingers over my legs, over the white lines standing out upon my slightly toasted flesh. Don’t think about it, don’t think about that night. Opening my eyes slowly, I flash back to the evening of my nightmares, and all the tears come flooding back. Near my left leg a man’s hand lies and his other silences my screams. Torn from life, I lay there lifeless, scared of everything that might come. Waking up in the dark, my head pounds as I try to work out where I am.   An orange glimmer of a street light shines behind me as I comb my fingers through my blood washed hair. Nervously, I creep through the streets, attempting to find my way home. Tired and fragile, I lock my front door and fall sleep on the cold sofa. Tiptoeing into my room, I change into a casual outfit and throw my blood stained clothes away. Opening my curtains, I realise how different my life is going to be after that night. ...

insight five  Isolated rain waters the horizon, as I jog through the woods behind my home. With dug out badger bungalows and lifted roots of willow trees, the forest made a peaceful motherland for all that lived. I slow down my pace when I reach the brown pipe, a long wide tube that can be balanced upon only by the most skilled of beings. Let it be said that I am not talented nor a professional gymnast but somehow I manage to remain upon it. Levelling my arms with my shoulders, I place one foot at a slight angle in front of the other, tracing my movements down the pole. Nearing the end of my performance, I leap into the air and travel a distance only applauded by a single squirrel in the nearby oak tree. Oblivious to the passing of time, I detect a small tear journey down my face, but it’s not me who is melancholy. Tilting my head towards the skies, I feel more droplets dance upon my cheeks. To avoid being showered from head to toe, I dash through the trees to search fo...

insight three  januarys nearly over and i've done nothing... - - - - Smiling at the golden sun beams that disperse over the gloomy village, i grab my shoes and run out the door, excited to enjoy a warm mornings stroll to the forests. Through the branches and tangled grass i see the oak tree, a tall climbable creature. The vast trunk carved in by lovers marking their unpromising future. Suicidal leaves depart from their friends, wanting a life along the soft uneven floor. Thoughts of family gatherings cluster in my mind, red checked blanket and baskets of sandwiches, the memories made here were the happiest my mind can produce. that's all i can manage for now... 👽

insight two         lets be creative... Icy air hits my lungs as i step inside my room, lit only by the sinking sun upon the horizon. With tired eyes and weary limbs, i lie on my bed, staring at the plain ceiling for what feels like hours until i hear the birds screaming outside. Another fight between the robin and sparrow keeps me entertained for a few minutes, but all i can think about is sleep. Needing to cleanse my skin, i stare in the mirror at myself, the rough uniform covered in stains of who knows what. Taking off my tie, i gently place on my desk, as if it was important. Tingling sensations run down my spine as i stand in my underwear, facing the mirror, in the frosty cold, wondering who would ever love... this. Opening and closing my eyes as if to awake from a nightmare, i inhale a universe of air and exhale it deeply. Carefully i remove my bra and underwear, sighing at my stretch marks, thinking about how i hate my chest. Untangling my ha...