Who I am.

insight eightysix  Side note – i went to a zoo workshop to learn about phobias, specifically animal based ones. We were shown different ways of treating them, including hypnosis. You are my happy place. Arms outstretched, cold fingertips touching mine as you draw me into the light, stepping down the marble stairs one at a time; hypnosis and relaxation sending me to oblivion and seeing you there, my happy place as he called it. With closed eyes, I imagine your blonde fringe and pigtails, light pink lipstick and short skirt with knee-high socks, those shiny black shoes that you click together at the bus stop - hands outstretched to greet me in the morning. I imagine this as he tells us to reflect on a happy place, a happy time in which we felt the most relaxed and content and all I can think is you. I think about you holding my hand, small fingers twisted round mine, walking together into that empty carpark, yellow light being the only thing allowing us to see. We lay on the flo...

insight thirtynine Dear my love, i hope you're not too warm up there, maybe wear sun cream in case you burn your pale skin. i have been thinking of you, a lot recently. i sit next to you in geography, can you imagine us pair every lesson... sir would go mad?! i chewed on some chewing gum today, mint flavoured and i remember how you used to sneeze each time you smelt mint, a cute high pitched sneeze every time. school has change, time goes on but i guess everyone has changed. we have welcomed a new member to our friend group, i hope you laugh with us. she's a phan member so im sure you can make an exception. our friend, our squish, has been struggling a lot, her anxiety is through the roof and i just want to roll her up in bubble wrap so she's safe forever. don't blame yourself, she is missing you as are we all. it's surprising how things can change in 17 weeks and 14 days, 133 days. i have lost the love of my life over my stupid mental health, you could've l...

insight thirtythree it sits in my stomach, like a balloon. just blocking the path for food, keeping me full for starving days. the pain sits there, making me feel sick and weighed down by the regret and things I should've said, and the things I shouldn't of. a silent tear roles down my face and I picture you, standing there perfectly pixilated at the bus stop, smiling as a come to a stop at your side. your freshly cut blonde hair ribbon tied into parallel pigtails, just swinging above your shoulders. a long neat tie lying low underneath your top button, shirt tucked into a black pleated skirt. I can never look at knee length socks and skirts in the same way again, you suited them so nicely. your piercing eyes gleaming as your bright smile infects another onto my face. it sits in my throat, like a rough spikey tennis ball, making it hard to breath as that one song comes on, or that one view reminds me of who was my best friend. I told you a lot of things, you listened and he...

insight twentytwo   our angel i remember the first smile you gave me, "wanna sit together on the bus?" you said. a friendship bloomed that morning as the bus left in the foggy sunrise. - i remember you wrapping your arms around me, the delight from that gifted pencil case. a single boost of joy given to me before you left for home. - but i remember the tears running down my face, "she's gone" and my phone hitting the floor. the slow motion running of my mum as screams in pain left my mouth. -  as i remember lying in that empty car park our warm hands intertwined in love. night drawing cold as the stars shine up high and now i can watch you within them. <3 👽