Who I am.

insight seventyfive a emotional note  it's the little things, building up into a pile on unnecessary darkness that sits in my head, waiting for one small this to make it all collapse as tears down my face. whether it the physical sickness or disappointment when looking in the mirror, or not being good enough at my job. the need to pause time and focus on the things I want to achieve but haven't the time with life flowing too fast. the slight of comment or laughed joke that maybe hits a nerve or dives into a place I don't wish to reenter. i'm tired of being the person I am, having certain things happen the way they do, experiencing things I don't want to remember. my memory and mind is a blessing, a curse and a prison all at the same time. but right now, it's hell.

insight thirtysix I've fucked up. I've fucked up so bad it hurts. I told you so I told you I'm a horrible person, that I put people down, make them unhappy. I'm poison, I'm a waste, I'm not worth it. but you. you've given me something to live for. you've given me that star of hope hope that everything will be okay that I have to live on. but as I said I've fucked up. I've been horrible without meaning to, and now I feel more guilt than ever. all I want is me and you to work, to be happy, to be together. and as I lie in bed rocking back and forth screaming into my pillow tearing flooding down my cheeks I know I can't deal with life without you I can't live life without one hug off you that makes me feel warm I can't live without your amazing smile and laugh that brightens up any day. I can't live without your warm lips on my cheek as we laugh in the garden about who knows what. i can't live without you. ...