Who I am.

insight forty i hurt i ache all over. my limbs weary and dehydrated from the tears i cried in that empty yard behind the tall church, the horses staring in confusion. i spoke to you like you were there, telling you the recent events on school and the stress from exams. just like you were stood there in your skirt, knee high socks and pink pigtails. as if you were still breathing right in front of me. i tried to convince myself you are in heaven, a place in the clouds with your dad which sounds like a perfect fantasy. but i know you're just in a box underground, slowly decomposing in the sweet soil, bare bones from your small body left behind. the flashes of that reality hurt my eyes, make them blurry with the sadness. but still i talk, about the breaking of my relationship and the arguments between friends. i apologized again for everything i did wrong and told you about your dear friends state, the slow down fall of her emotions making me feel numb inside, making me want to ma...

insight thirtysix I've fucked up. I've fucked up so bad it hurts. I told you so I told you I'm a horrible person, that I put people down, make them unhappy. I'm poison, I'm a waste, I'm not worth it. but you. you've given me something to live for. you've given me that star of hope hope that everything will be okay that I have to live on. but as I said I've fucked up. I've been horrible without meaning to, and now I feel more guilt than ever. all I want is me and you to work, to be happy, to be together. and as I lie in bed rocking back and forth screaming into my pillow tearing flooding down my cheeks I know I can't deal with life without you I can't live life without one hug off you that makes me feel warm I can't live without your amazing smile and laugh that brightens up any day. I can't live without your warm lips on my cheek as we laugh in the garden about who knows what. i can't live without you. ...

insight thirtyone this is a very personal and diary like blog... enjoy? i went for a walk today. just a gentle stroll down the lake that lies underneath the swans and ducklings that swim in the afternoon sun. the gleaming heat making Trigger pant in exhaustion, the cars flying past making a much needed breeze. before reaching the lake something happened, just something i guess happens to few people but isn't seen in a way that would effect you, right? wrong , oh so very wrong. "hey girl nice tits" he shouted from behind the fence, overalls tied around his waist with his friend laughing and whistling as i walked. quickening my speed, i concentrate on my music and carry on. reaching the lake i smile and talk to other dog walkers that ask the breed, age and name of my puppy, the normal day to day "awh"s and "he's so cute"s. trying to push aside the thoughts in my clouded head, i take photos of the pretty daisies and tall green trees that lit...