Who I am.

Insight sixtysix i think im finally ready, ready to talk about all of it. we sit in the small coffee shop, surrounded by busy beings and crying children, the afternoon of a clear blue day - the 25th of November. the potted plants sit on a brown paved floor, small pink flowers drooping down through the green, awaiting the springs warmth to lift them towards the clouds. floating birds meander around the tall oak trees, pushing acorns and dying leaves to the floor, reminding me that winter is still upon us. like any other cold day, layers of thick coats and knitted jumpers lay thrown over wooden chairs, whilst the owners silently queue for a lemon meringue pie or a red jam scone, which maybe accompanied by the finest cappuccino I've ever let my lips indulge. lifting the small smooth pebbles out of my black bag, i lay them out and tell the tale of each, the places they have travelled and the palms they have touched. sliding the fork underneath the lemon icing, i enjoy every taste...

insight thirtysix I've fucked up. I've fucked up so bad it hurts. I told you so I told you I'm a horrible person, that I put people down, make them unhappy. I'm poison, I'm a waste, I'm not worth it. but you. you've given me something to live for. you've given me that star of hope hope that everything will be okay that I have to live on. but as I said I've fucked up. I've been horrible without meaning to, and now I feel more guilt than ever. all I want is me and you to work, to be happy, to be together. and as I lie in bed rocking back and forth screaming into my pillow tearing flooding down my cheeks I know I can't deal with life without you I can't live life without one hug off you that makes me feel warm I can't live without your amazing smile and laugh that brightens up any day. I can't live without your warm lips on my cheek as we laugh in the garden about who knows what. i can't live without you. ...

insight thirtythree it sits in my stomach, like a balloon. just blocking the path for food, keeping me full for starving days. the pain sits there, making me feel sick and weighed down by the regret and things I should've said, and the things I shouldn't of. a silent tear roles down my face and I picture you, standing there perfectly pixilated at the bus stop, smiling as a come to a stop at your side. your freshly cut blonde hair ribbon tied into parallel pigtails, just swinging above your shoulders. a long neat tie lying low underneath your top button, shirt tucked into a black pleated skirt. I can never look at knee length socks and skirts in the same way again, you suited them so nicely. your piercing eyes gleaming as your bright smile infects another onto my face. it sits in my throat, like a rough spikey tennis ball, making it hard to breath as that one song comes on, or that one view reminds me of who was my best friend. I told you a lot of things, you listened and he...

insight twentyone Lucy. My angel up above. The sky is the limit for you. The best and most perfect girl that was chosen to join your dad. The girl that unknowingly meant so much to us. We, your friends miss you. Though we may not talk about you all the time, in our minds we are just avoiding crying over your untimely depart from earth. Now you've been placed beside your dad within nature, to be released into the clouds, like the balloons that stopped the hail from falling upon our tear stained sleeves. I still miss your small lips that formed a large smile each morning, even though you hadn't fell asleep until 2am. I still miss your quirky hair and the daily bus ride that I'd spend quickly glancing at your make up without you thinking I'm weird. The pain still remains within me. And I'm not sure it will ever fade. A longing for you, a internal crying for you; my best friend for 3 and a half years. You knew me but never judged me. And you let me know you ...