Who I am.

insight nineteen it's hard to explain depression to someone who doesn't suffer it. it's like a rucksack on your back, that is full of bricks, weighing you down and making you constantly feel empty and down. even when you sleep, you feel the bag, making it uncomfortable to sleep. sometimes it gets heavier, making some days worst that others. some people add bricks, making it worse for you to keep smiling throughout that day. sometimes suddenly you feel weak, and you cant smile, and the bricks push you down, further down into a vortex of unwanted thoughts and sadness. each day, i wish i could forget it all, but i cant. i feel my eyes become weary and i just want to curl up in bed and sleep, forget about my problems, expectations and issues inside my head. even sleep doesn't help, doesn't refresh me, doesn't help, just makes me more exhausted. the sleepless nights make me worse. why. why do i push everyone away, people who actually treat me right i push away,...

insight fifteen there are so many things flying in my mind, crashing against my skull creating a constant migraine of pain and exhaustion. so many questions swaying on my shoulders, dragging me down lower and lower throughout the day. so many voices telling me things that i believe and know to be true. no one actually cares about me, no one actually gives a shit. they don't care if im stood there or just sat inside sorting out someone else's issue. if im there to give advice and help them then that's good for them. all i am is a toy, played with then dropped on the shelf and left for a while till someone takes a fancy and plays with my feelings, then puts me back again on the shelf, just to sit and take a long look at all the happy couples and friends laughing around, not caring where the toy had disappeared to. its consuming me, and it doesn't take a fool to know how hard im trying not to have a break down in the middle of school. it's getting worse, and i fucki...

insight twelve I miss you. I miss you when I'm standing alone listening to my music at the bus stop. I miss you when we are in the field. I miss you in Maths with my bumpy ruler. I miss you sending me Korean memes. I miss the holding hands, your small little hands. I miss everything that I could've said to you. I miss me. I miss the old me. I miss the happiness and the no worries. I miss the wanting to live or having the effort to. I miss sleeping, looking in the mirror and enjoying what I saw. I miss being so indulged in school that I don't need to worry about my grades. I miss being a person that I enjoyed. I miss having perfect skin and unscared limbs. I miss being someone I knew someone could love. I would miss you if you left. I would miss the laugh. I would miss the YouTube references you made. I would miss the random chats. I would miss the cute nicknames. I would miss the Trust we had. I would miss you. I don't want to miss you. I miss us. I miss the way...

insight seven Trigger warning - insinuation of SA (entirely fictional) I flinch as I run my fingers over my legs, over the white lines standing out upon my slightly toasted flesh. Don’t think about it, don’t think about that night. Opening my eyes slowly, I flash back to the evening of my nightmares, and all the tears come flooding back. Near my left leg a man’s hand lies and his other silences my screams. Torn from life, I lay there lifeless, scared of everything that might come. Waking up in the dark, my head pounds as I try to work out where I am.   An orange glimmer of a street light shines behind me as I comb my fingers through my blood washed hair. Nervously, I creep through the streets, attempting to find my way home. Tired and fragile, I lock my front door and fall sleep on the cold sofa. Tiptoeing into my room, I change into a casual outfit and throw my blood stained clothes away. Opening my curtains, I realise how different my life is going to be after that night. ...