who i am.

insight ninetythree trigger warning - weight i’ve always had a rocky relationship with my weight. ever since i was younger i was more curvy than other girls; not naturally thin. my chest and hips developed a lot earlier and a lot faster than other girls in my year - it made it hard to like how i looked. i know some of this is down to genetics and biology but it is hard in a school setting to see this as something i cannot control. sometimes i found myself looking okay or nice in a certain outfit but i always felt aware of my body if people took photos or how i looked in certain positions. when you sit and your thighs squish, mine were bigger or when guys talk about a thigh gap, which i didn't have - it made me more and more self conscious. as stereotypical as it is, social media did increase this confidence issue a lot and this only grew over the years (everyone know the ins and outs of that discussion). i am never comfortable talking about it, even if it isn’t me. people talk

insight ninetytwo so much is happening right now. emotions are running high. here’s what i have to say at present... i feel like I’m grieving for something. maybe for school, the fact we didn't finish the typical way - how the rug was pulled from under our feet and winded us, gasping for air while we watch the world crumble around us. the way all of these posters, revision cards and notes were for nothing. all this paper will be burnt and nothing ever needed to be done. i feel hollow and sad. crying randomly and not holding back. my chest hurts and i am just sad. alone i am sad. i’m giving myself things to do to keep myself busy but that won’t last long. 26 weeks until moving day. now what. what is the purpose of anything, what is the reason to get out of bed. what is. anything anymore. but i think to myself “this is such as first world problem”. having exams cancelled in a free school system. being upset over work i can do because i can afford the stationary and transport

insight ninetyone We’re well into 2020. I have done a lot of reflecting over the last decade and a lot of looking at what is happening this year. Here are the things I’m taking away from this two week thought splurge: The decade of the 2010s I can’t fathom the amount of things that happened in the past 10 years. It’s been a whirlwind year of things that made and things that broke me as a person. So many achievements and amazing memories were made, and i look back and feel thankful for those times, those people. However some moments weren’t as hopeful, hurting me more as i delve deeper into those times. I’m beginning to accept them now; I’m starting to regard them not just as something that made but also something i cant get rid of, only deal with slowly. I am a partial believer in ‘everything happens for a reason’ and i use it to explain the friends, experiences and hardships that have been and gone; it helps me move on to a new time and a new head space. So i say to 2010 and al