Who I am.

insight fiftythree there's a lot of things going on right now. in my head i mean. my life isn't a lot of things, very slow motion rain and black a white music. ... let me set the scene... a candle flickers beside me, close enough so i can feel the heat but not burning my hair black. music rings through my headphones, Supermarket flowers singing my emotions in a comforting sort of way. my phone to the right of my laptop flashes with a notification from a heart breaker, whom for some reason wants to communicate with me. to my left is the rain, trickling slowly down my window, blurring the clouds and bricks together, a typical English autumn day. I've been watching this series, Doctor Foster on BBC. the final episode touched my heart, in a eye opening way. the parents of a young boy, Tom, were fighting and he went through an emotional turmoil of negative feelings. they didn't notice. but i did. i know it's all made up, but i noticed. the pale skin, the sleepless ...

insight fortyfive throughout my camping holiday in Bembridge, Isle of Wight, i wrote creative writing pieces each day. so here, have a read... 5th August 2017 10 minutes past 1. the rain suddenly races towards the desert-cracked field, families run here and there quickly collecting their chairs, hot dogs and children before the drums rumble loud in the clouded sky. 15 minutes past 1. silence weaves itself in and out the bedrooms as tired eyes close momentarily to the rhythmic beat of the thin tent roof being danced upon by small water droplets. 20 minutes past 1. rain easing, the families return to their sun loungers and happy chatter is heard once again (consider the fact I'd had no sleep and a 5:45am ferry...) 6th August 2017 sun beating down on my bare shoulders, i push against the white waves and swim into the deep. seagulls blaring and salt water splashing, i dip my brunette hair into the more-cold-than-warm sea, letting it weave itself i...

insight forty i hurt i ache all over. my limbs weary and dehydrated from the tears i cried in that empty yard behind the tall church, the horses staring in confusion. i spoke to you like you were there, telling you the recent events on school and the stress from exams. just like you were stood there in your skirt, knee high socks and pink pigtails. as if you were still breathing right in front of me. i tried to convince myself you are in heaven, a place in the clouds with your dad which sounds like a perfect fantasy. but i know you're just in a box underground, slowly decomposing in the sweet soil, bare bones from your small body left behind. the flashes of that reality hurt my eyes, make them blurry with the sadness. but still i talk, about the breaking of my relationship and the arguments between friends. i apologized again for everything i did wrong and told you about your dear friends state, the slow down fall of her emotions making me feel numb inside, making me want to ma...

insight thirtynine Dear my love, i hope you're not too warm up there, maybe wear sun cream in case you burn your pale skin. i have been thinking of you, a lot recently. i sit next to you in geography, can you imagine us pair every lesson... sir would go mad?! i chewed on some chewing gum today, mint flavoured and i remember how you used to sneeze each time you smelt mint, a cute high pitched sneeze every time. school has change, time goes on but i guess everyone has changed. we have welcomed a new member to our friend group, i hope you laugh with us. she's a phan member so im sure you can make an exception. our friend, our squish, has been struggling a lot, her anxiety is through the roof and i just want to roll her up in bubble wrap so she's safe forever. don't blame yourself, she is missing you as are we all. it's surprising how things can change in 17 weeks and 14 days, 133 days. i have lost the love of my life over my stupid mental health, you could've l...