Who I am.

  insight ninetyfive i felt a need to write again. to allow my thoughts a place to exist, without any eyes or ears. something weird is happening and i can't quite understand what it is. am i pushing others away and slowly isolating myself again? or am i losing my relationship because of miscommunication, personal issues, and adult growth? it is a difficult battle to know which is which, but also to know which is right for me. do i need time to figure out myself, work on my mental and physical health, and return a better and more honest me? or do i need to get help - support myself before it becomes too late?  there's a lot of aspects of a relationship that are important and hold unique value, such as the unconditional love, a consistent support system and someone who knows you so intimately that you can be your most vulnerable with them without perceived judgement. and they're hard, no one ever says relationships are easy but time gives people space to learn and grow to sup...

 insight ninetyfour some people compare it to a black dog, a constant weight that follows you around. a persistence that can eventually be accepted. for me it's more like the wind. not only is it invisible to me, it is invisible to all. work colleagues, friends, family. all of us. hitting me harder without warning, taking me by surprise. the wind itself is sometimes a breeze, and it's not an issue. i can stay afloat and do the day by day. the little control i have allows me to mask the breeze temporarily, allowing a smile or laughter with friends, or motivation to arise for work. but sometimes its a storm, and im out of control. each time i am blown down, and forced to stay there. foundations ripped from the ground, spinning me round and round. leaving my breathless. it varies from day to day, week to week, but recently - it's been all storms and no breathing. now the wind is all around, almost suffocating. moving all the air i need away, and leaving me alone. sometimes i s...

insight ninetythree trigger warning - weight i’ve always had a rocky relationship with my weight. ever since i was younger i was more curvy than other girls; not naturally thin. i developed a lot earlier and a lot faster than other girls in my year - it made it hard to like how i looked. i know some of this is down to genetics and biology but it is hard in a school setting to see this as something i cannot control. sometimes i found myself looking okay or nice in a certain outfit but i always felt aware of my body if people took photos or how i looked in certain positions. when you sit and your thighs squish, mine were bigger or when guys talk about a thigh gap, which i didn't have - it made me more and more self conscious. as stereotypical as it is, social media did increase this confidence issue a lot and this only grew over the years (everyone know the ins and outs of that discussion). i am never comfortable talking about it, even if it isn’t me. people talking about not wan...

insight ninetytwo so much is happening right now. emotions are running high. here’s what i have to say at present... i feel like I’m grieving for something. maybe for school, the fact we didn't finish the typical way - how the rug was pulled from under our feet and winded us, gasping for air while we watch the world crumble around us. the way all of these posters, revision cards and notes were for nothing. all this paper will be burnt and nothing ever needed to be done. i feel hollow and sad. crying randomly and not holding back. my chest hurts and i am just sad. alone i am sad. i’m giving myself things to do to keep myself busy but that won’t last long. 26 weeks until moving day. now what. what is the purpose of anything, what is the reason to get out of bed. what is. anything anymore. but i think to myself “this is such as first world problem”. having exams cancelled in a free school system. being upset over work i can do because i can afford the stationary and transport ...

insight ninetyone We’re well into 2020. I have done a lot of reflecting over the last decade and a lot of looking at what is happening this year. Here are the things I’m taking away from this two week thought splurge: The decade of the 2010s I can’t fathom the amount of things that happened in the past 10 years. It’s been a whirlwind year of things that made and things that broke me as a person. So many achievements and amazing memories were made, and i look back and feel thankful for those times, those people. However some moments weren’t as hopeful, hurting me more as i delve deeper into those times. I’m beginning to accept them now; I’m starting to regard them not just as something that made but also something i cant get rid of, only deal with slowly. I am a partial believer in ‘everything happens for a reason’ and i use it to explain the friends, experiences and hardships that have been and gone; it helps me move on to a new time and a new head space. So i say to 2010 and al...

insight ninety findIng someone so perfect could take years. one individual has their lost soul, their other half to a full heart, in the world somewhere but when would they meet? to claim someone as your own and utterly adore them for every flaw, every mistake, every crack in their being - it is almost like a unreasonable love story. But if this is what love feels like, i don't ever want to be without it. i think i have found the one mortal i can call mine, the other piece to the puzzLe. he has these beautiful eyes that melt into my heart, as if a glance could calm me better than any words could ever. a smile, that smile, when he laughs or looks at me in loving dismay - an infectious happiness that can pull me out of the darkest lows. his skin, when i lie on his chest and feel his heart beating aside mine, tracing my fingers down his skin, freckles and all. arms around me like a wall, guard or shield, protecting me from anyone or anything that has Or could hurt me; the most ...