Who I am.

insight thirtythree it sits in my stomach, like a balloon. just blocking the path for food, keeping me full for starving days. the pain sits there, making me feel sick and weighed down by the regret and things I should've said, and the things I shouldn't of. a silent tear roles down my face and I picture you, standing there perfectly pixilated at the bus stop, smiling as a come to a stop at your side. your freshly cut blonde hair ribbon tied into parallel pigtails, just swinging above your shoulders. a long neat tie lying low underneath your top button, shirt tucked into a black pleated skirt. I can never look at knee length socks and skirts in the same way again, you suited them so nicely. your piercing eyes gleaming as your bright smile infects another onto my face. it sits in my throat, like a rough spikey tennis ball, making it hard to breath as that one song comes on, or that one view reminds me of who was my best friend. I told you a lot of things, you listened and he...

insight twentyfour a warm spring morning creeps through my curtains as the early birds talk within the branches about the daily flight to the feeders, more awake and alert than I. dazed by the beams of gold, I stretch my weary limbs and reach for my phone to check Snapchat, being the stereotypical teenager I am. after much scrolling and yawning, i lunge out of bed and take a jump scare look at my bed hair in the finger stained mirror while fiddling in my draw to find the brush, and maybe the a hair bobble too. much time later, my clothes are on - blue jeans and a grey embroided jumper - and i am heading downstairs to gulp down a cup of luke-warm tea, too happy to be exhausted. singing the new Shawn Mendes song, I enter the garden to say a high pitched hello to my puppy who flipped his toy into the muddy puddle that uses to be the chicken coop - "what did you do that for?" sun gleaming down upon the veg patch, I grab my phone to text my boyfriend about a walk I've ment...

insight twelve I miss you. I miss you when I'm standing alone listening to my music at the bus stop. I miss you when we are in the field. I miss you in Maths with my bumpy ruler. I miss you sending me Korean memes. I miss the holding hands, your small little hands. I miss everything that I could've said to you. I miss me. I miss the old me. I miss the happiness and the no worries. I miss the wanting to live or having the effort to. I miss sleeping, looking in the mirror and enjoying what I saw. I miss being so indulged in school that I don't need to worry about my grades. I miss being a person that I enjoyed. I miss having perfect skin and unscared limbs. I miss being someone I knew someone could love. I would miss you if you left. I would miss the laugh. I would miss the YouTube references you made. I would miss the random chats. I would miss the cute nicknames. I would miss the Trust we had. I would miss you. I don't want to miss you. I miss us. I miss the way...

insight ten where do i begin. the stupid mistakes of my past have made me who i am. for the worse i may add. the blind me of the past that couldn't see what was right in front of her. imagine me screaming, crying, looking into a mirror and shouting all of this at myself, trying to punish my reflection for being so weak. why. why did i stay. you played me from the fucking start and you ruined my faith in love. why. i hate you so much and i hope you get hurt so bad you feel as shit as i do because of a lying girlfriend that rips your heart to shreds. no one will heal these wounds you've pressed into my mind. the bullshit you told me about being trustworthy was about as true as trumps speeches. you are poison and i hope someone cleanses you. you're such a shitty person, you've made me not trust anyone, my boyfriend or any friend. you have made me paranoid that he will cheat and break my heart when i know damn well he's the most perfect thing that i have in my life. y...