Who I am.

insight ninetytwo so much is happening right now. emotions are running high. here’s what i have to say at present... i feel like I’m grieving for something. maybe for school, the fact we didn't finish the typical way - how the rug was pulled from under our feet and winded us, gasping for air while we watch the world crumble around us. the way all of these posters, revision cards and notes were for nothing. all this paper will be burnt and nothing ever needed to be done. i feel hollow and sad. crying randomly and not holding back. my chest hurts and i am just sad. alone i am sad. i’m giving myself things to do to keep myself busy but that won’t last long. 26 weeks until moving day. now what. what is the purpose of anything, what is the reason to get out of bed. what is. anything anymore. but i think to myself “this is such as first world problem”. having exams cancelled in a free school system. being upset over work i can do because i can afford the stationary and transport ...

Insight sixtysix i think im finally ready, ready to talk about all of it. we sit in the small coffee shop, surrounded by busy beings and crying children, the afternoon of a clear blue day - the 25th of November. the potted plants sit on a brown paved floor, small pink flowers drooping down through the green, awaiting the springs warmth to lift them towards the clouds. floating birds meander around the tall oak trees, pushing acorns and dying leaves to the floor, reminding me that winter is still upon us. like any other cold day, layers of thick coats and knitted jumpers lay thrown over wooden chairs, whilst the owners silently queue for a lemon meringue pie or a red jam scone, which maybe accompanied by the finest cappuccino I've ever let my lips indulge. lifting the small smooth pebbles out of my black bag, i lay them out and tell the tale of each, the places they have travelled and the palms they have touched. sliding the fork underneath the lemon icing, i enjoy every taste...

insight forty i hurt i ache all over. my limbs weary and dehydrated from the tears i cried in that empty yard behind the tall church, the horses staring in confusion. i spoke to you like you were there, telling you the recent events on school and the stress from exams. just like you were stood there in your skirt, knee high socks and pink pigtails. as if you were still breathing right in front of me. i tried to convince myself you are in heaven, a place in the clouds with your dad which sounds like a perfect fantasy. but i know you're just in a box underground, slowly decomposing in the sweet soil, bare bones from your small body left behind. the flashes of that reality hurt my eyes, make them blurry with the sadness. but still i talk, about the breaking of my relationship and the arguments between friends. i apologized again for everything i did wrong and told you about your dear friends state, the slow down fall of her emotions making me feel numb inside, making me want to ma...

insight thirtynine Dear my love, i hope you're not too warm up there, maybe wear sun cream in case you burn your pale skin. i have been thinking of you, a lot recently. i sit next to you in geography, can you imagine us pair every lesson... sir would go mad?! i chewed on some chewing gum today, mint flavoured and i remember how you used to sneeze each time you smelt mint, a cute high pitched sneeze every time. school has change, time goes on but i guess everyone has changed. we have welcomed a new member to our friend group, i hope you laugh with us. she's a phan member so im sure you can make an exception. our friend, our squish, has been struggling a lot, her anxiety is through the roof and i just want to roll her up in bubble wrap so she's safe forever. don't blame yourself, she is missing you as are we all. it's surprising how things can change in 17 weeks and 14 days, 133 days. i have lost the love of my life over my stupid mental health, you could've l...

insight thirtythree it sits in my stomach, like a balloon. just blocking the path for food, keeping me full for starving days. the pain sits there, making me feel sick and weighed down by the regret and things I should've said, and the things I shouldn't of. a silent tear roles down my face and I picture you, standing there perfectly pixilated at the bus stop, smiling as a come to a stop at your side. your freshly cut blonde hair ribbon tied into parallel pigtails, just swinging above your shoulders. a long neat tie lying low underneath your top button, shirt tucked into a black pleated skirt. I can never look at knee length socks and skirts in the same way again, you suited them so nicely. your piercing eyes gleaming as your bright smile infects another onto my face. it sits in my throat, like a rough spikey tennis ball, making it hard to breath as that one song comes on, or that one view reminds me of who was my best friend. I told you a lot of things, you listened and he...

insight twentytwo   our angel i remember the first smile you gave me, "wanna sit together on the bus?" you said. a friendship bloomed that morning as the bus left in the foggy sunrise. - i remember you wrapping your arms around me, the delight from that gifted pencil case. a single boost of joy given to me before you left for home. - but i remember the tears running down my face, "she's gone" and my phone hitting the floor. the slow motion running of my mum as screams in pain left my mouth. -  as i remember lying in that empty car park our warm hands intertwined in love. night drawing cold as the stars shine up high and now i can watch you within them. <3 👽

insight twentyone Lucy. My angel up above. The sky is the limit for you. The best and most perfect girl that was chosen to join your dad. The girl that unknowingly meant so much to us. We, your friends miss you. Though we may not talk about you all the time, in our minds we are just avoiding crying over your untimely depart from earth. Now you've been placed beside your dad within nature, to be released into the clouds, like the balloons that stopped the hail from falling upon our tear stained sleeves. I still miss your small lips that formed a large smile each morning, even though you hadn't fell asleep until 2am. I still miss your quirky hair and the daily bus ride that I'd spend quickly glancing at your make up without you thinking I'm weird. The pain still remains within me. And I'm not sure it will ever fade. A longing for you, a internal crying for you; my best friend for 3 and a half years. You knew me but never judged me. And you let me know you ...

insight eleven We counted the stars in the dark sky while lying in the empty car park, cold hands intertwined. We cuddled up while watching a movie with our friend, too comfy to move. We "practiced" our performances after school, eating cookies and giggling behind the curtain. We lay together on the bench, twisted into each other as we collected heat from each other. We made the memories that were some of my happiest, and still make me smile now. Not a single minute goes by without thinking you're going to text me a funny Korean meme, or some weird song about who knows what. But to think that you're watching me, now, I wish i could of said goodbye, and held your hand one last time. The feeling of emptiness consumes me and even now the lump in my throat grows, tears running down my cheeks. We miss you, and there is nothing more we want than you back here, laughing with us on the tennis courts. Of all the flowers in the world, they chose the ...