Who I am.

insight thirtyone this is a very personal and diary like blog... enjoy? i went for a walk today. just a gentle stroll down the lake that lies underneath the swans and ducklings that swim in the afternoon sun. the gleaming heat making Trigger pant in exhaustion, the cars flying past making a much needed breeze. before reaching the lake something happened, just something i guess happens to few people but isn't seen in a way that would effect you, right? wrong , oh so very wrong. "hey girl nice tits" he shouted from behind the fence, overalls tied around his waist with his friend laughing and whistling as i walked. quickening my speed, i concentrate on my music and carry on. reaching the lake i smile and talk to other dog walkers that ask the breed, age and name of my puppy, the normal day to day "awh"s and "he's so cute"s. trying to push aside the thoughts in my clouded head, i take photos of the pretty daisies and tall green trees that lit...

insight thirty i stare at the gloomy reflection on my wall, the tired under-eyes growing dark with fatigue, messy hair shoved up in a half-hearted bun, not even attempting to reach on the desk for my brush. want, desire, need; the longing for that one close hug that would lift every cloud that covers my happiness, that one scent of love that can send me into an uncontrollable high of calm and emotion - feeling something other than sadness. nothing happened, just the blissful silence of a plane soaring through the sky, just the slow crinkle of my bed sheet as i let my arms go limp, still holding onto the corners i was ruffling.  more tears run down my pale cheeks as all the built up misery bursts out into the open privacy of my bedroom, no reason just the constant weight of melancholy grief that remains, making every day the same. than me, every other person had it worse - is that what makes my thoughts so unwanted and repetit...