7:09


Insight eightyfive 
Trigger warning - swearing, and a lot of it 
Fuck. I’m so fucked. It’s so fucked. Inside i feel like a million things are banging against my head and i cant think straight. I love you, i hate you, i love you, i hate... everything is a cycle. Whirling in my mind, 24/7. It’s all sinking. Like in the sea. Drowning. Slowly feeling the water fill my lungs, not being able to scream. It’s how i feel.

“it feels like im watching myself drowning. as if i am staring at a moving picture of a girl slowly dying within cold, dark waters - as if i am watching a nightmare unfold in front of me. a nightmare that, however, sends sweet relief through my veins. i am watching myself, a third person view of the water slowly filling up my lungs, making me choke in desperation. my arms attempting to push against the strong current but not being enough to get my head above the waves. for a short while i could breath, lips gulping the air from above, but slowly as time passed, i slipped beneath the sea and started to suffocate from my own mistakes. screaming, sputtering - trying to grab someones attention, anyones who would see this pain i am. i watch carefully as my hands turn to grey and my lips turn blue. no life left in that drowning girl, unless the drowning girl is you.”

 So many pent up emotions that i cant express unless i scream at the top of my lungs. I feel so numb, cold, dark. My head pounds. Thoughts racing. Eyes fixated on that tiny chip in that one mug. For 10 minutes. That small section of chipped paint keeping me from opening the gates to looney town. I love. I do. Everything is so perfect. I couldn’t ask for more. But you could. I’m less that you deserve. You need more. Ore beauty, more sanit, more human. I dont feel any of those things. I dont feel beauty, or beautiful. Nothing nice, pretty, wonderous about how i look. Maybe the blue-grey eyes that can read a million faces, or those small moles on my skin that look like star constellations. But not beauty. Only imperfection and less flawed body parts. You wont find any beauty, inside or out. It’s ugly. Rotten, dark and useless, lethargic and dead, numb, dark and drowning. I dont feel sane with. I just want to run, ink into the sea go into the sky, get out. Get out of my head. Out of my body. Out of my life. I dont feel human. I dont feel as if i have bones, a heart or lungs, or any other pieces for that matter. I feel like an alien, or monster, that doesn’t quite fit in, doesn’t quite feel at home. Like no where is home. Like the unknown is the only place i can call home.
Fuck, its so fucked. I’m drowning, and I guess i like it.

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