7:09


Insight eightyfive 
Trigger warning - swearing, and a lot of it 
Fuck. I’m so fucked. It’s so fucked. Inside i feel like a million things are banging against my head and i cant think straight. I love you, i hate you, i love you, i hate... everything is a cycle. Whirling in my mind, 24/7. It’s all sinking. Like in the sea. Drowning. Slowly feeling the water fill my lungs, not being able to scream. It’s how i feel.

“it feels like im watching myself drowning. as if i am staring at a moving picture of a girl slowly dying within cold, dark waters - as if i am watching a nightmare unfold in front of me. a nightmare that, however, sends sweet relief through my veins. i am watching myself, a third person view of the water slowly filling up my lungs, making me choke in desperation. my arms attempting to push against the strong current but not being enough to get my head above the waves. for a short while i could breath, lips gulping the air from above, but slowly as time passed, i slipped beneath the sea and started to suffocate from my own mistakes. screaming, sputtering - trying to grab someones attention, anyones who would see this pain i am. i watch carefully as my hands turn to grey and my lips turn blue. no life left in that drowning girl, unless the drowning girl is you.”

 So many pent up emotions that i cant express unless i scream at the top of my lungs. I feel so numb, cold, dark. My head pounds. Thoughts racing. Eyes fixated on that tiny chip in that one mug. For 10 minutes. That small section of chipped paint keeping me from opening the gates to looney town. I love. I do. Everything is so perfect. I couldn’t ask for more. But you could. I’m less that you deserve. You need more. Ore beauty, more sanit, more human. I dont feel any of those things. I dont feel beauty, or beautiful. Nothing nice, pretty, wonderous about how i look. Maybe the blue-grey eyes that can read a million faces, or those small moles on my skin that look like star constellations. But not beauty. Only imperfection and less flawed body parts. You wont find any beauty, inside or out. It’s ugly. Rotten, dark and useless, lethargic and dead, numb, dark and drowning. I dont feel sane with. I just want to run, ink into the sea go into the sky, get out. Get out of my head. Out of my body. Out of my life. I dont feel human. I dont feel as if i have bones, a heart or lungs, or any other pieces for that matter. I feel like an alien, or monster, that doesn’t quite fit in, doesn’t quite feel at home. Like no where is home. Like the unknown is the only place i can call home.
Fuck, its so fucked. I’m drowning, and I guess i like it.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

10:30

insight seventyeight a bit of a different account today -  i wrote a report on racism and material deprivation and how it influences the education of ethnic minorities.  i thought it pretty good, and interesting. enjoy :)) Rights or racism? Are we subconsciously excluding ethnic minorities? Well the answer is simply yes! All research points to the mind-set of a discriminative society that segregates ethnic minorities potentially without even realising it. But is it a shock? Not necessarily. Seeing political battles and hate crimes on the news each day makes us immune and almost blind to the severity of worldwide racism and negative judgement that disrupts ethnic minorities’ lives on a daily basis. A shocking unseen divide between races in society is uncovered within the accommodation and living conditions of these ethnic minorities. According to Guy Palmer (2012), almost ½ of all ethnic minority children live in low income households, as against ¼ of white c
Read more

5:26

insight fiftythree there's a lot of things going on right now. in my head i mean. my life isn't a lot of things, very slow motion rain and black a white music. ... let me set the scene... a candle flickers beside me, close enough so i can feel the heat but not burning my hair black. music rings through my headphones, Supermarket flowers singing my emotions in a comforting sort of way. my phone to the right of my laptop flashes with a notification from a heart breaker, whom for some reason wants to communicate with me. to my left is the rain, trickling slowly down my window, blurring the clouds and bricks together, a typical English autumn day. I've been watching this series, Doctor Foster on BBC. the final episode touched my heart, in a eye opening way. the parents of a young boy, Tom, were fighting and he went through an emotional turmoil of negative feelings. they didn't notice. but i did. i know it's all made up, but i noticed. the pale skin, the sleepless
Read more

9:38

insight sixtyone i guess you don't really understand your dependence, love and reliance on a person until you're apart. the strength of the bond that you need physically yet it's something you take for granted until it's no longer visible. Day to day laughs that are your medicine from the dark, smiles for just seconds that brighten the doomed thoughts. Just a few days, it's less than a week; why should I be bothered? maybe because without you around I feel lost within myself, or the daunting fact that we are two as one but apart, we long to be in each other's company. but it's only a few days right? wrong. mentally, emotionally, I realise how much I lean on you, even if it's not noticeable, to you, to anyone. maybe that's the only reason I like to spend 6 hours of exhausting boredom, because I know I will smile with you for all those seconds I desire. maybe you're a drug, a dose of happiness that no one nor nothing can replace. in the worst of
Read more