10:20



insight ninetytwo

so much is happening right now. emotions are running high. here’s what i have to say at present...
i feel like I’m grieving for something. maybe for school, the fact we didn't finish the typical way - how the rug was pulled from under our feet and winded us, gasping for air while we watch the world crumble around us. the way all of these posters, revision cards and notes were for nothing. all this paper will be burnt and nothing ever needed to be done. i feel hollow and sad. crying randomly and not holding back. my chest hurts and i am just sad. alone i am sad. i’m giving myself things to do to keep myself busy but that won’t last long. 26 weeks until moving day. now what. what is the purpose of anything, what is the reason to get out of bed. what is. anything anymore.

but i think to myself “this is such as first world problem”. having exams cancelled in a free school system. being upset over work i can do because i can afford the stationary and transport to get to my sixth form. but still it hurts. for someone who thought of school as their life; a routine that helped keep their wellbeing and mental health together - it’s now gone, and so is structure. it’s taking me a while to get back up, and i’m not there yet. and at the point where people need their friends most, i need the physical comfort the most, we can’t have it. it’s important to stay at home but home isn’t always where the heart or happiness is. for those people, it’s hard and will be the worst few weeks experienced. it’s just not good at all. and i know this is going to be another event in my life that i repress and have to then deal with later on in life. it’s a bad habit but i don’t know how to not do it...

on a more positive note, i am really going to try and gain a routine next week. doing this by running 3 times a week, 3 meals a day at similar times. giving myself a few small tasks to do in the day so i don’t feel overwhelmed. try and get a job, when it’s appropriate to do so. scrapbook, read, write. keep in contact with friends. try and gain control over my mental health, thoughts and wellbeing. using this long summer break to get healthier - mentally and physically - and have time for myself and do all those little jobs that i always wanted to do but got pushed to the side by school work and revision.

bye for now, 2020 will still be my year...

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