Who I am.

insight ninetyone We’re well into 2020. I have done a lot of reflecting over the last decade and a lot of looking at what is happening this year. Here are the things I’m taking away from this two week thought splurge: The decade of the 2010s I can’t fathom the amount of things that happened in the past 10 years. It’s been a whirlwind year of things that made and things that broke me as a person. So many achievements and amazing memories were made, and i look back and feel thankful for those times, those people. However some moments weren’t as hopeful, hurting me more as i delve deeper into those times. I’m beginning to accept them now; I’m starting to regard them not just as something that made but also something i cant get rid of, only deal with slowly. I am a partial believer in ‘everything happens for a reason’ and i use it to explain the friends, experiences and hardships that have been and gone; it helps me move on to a new time and a new head space. So i say to 2010 and al...

insight thirtyseven well i would say this is one of the worst days of my life. to you i may seem melodramatic but to me this is the worst thing that could happen to me right now. probably in the top 5 worst days of my life, around about 3rd. (this is not a guilt trip, just a heart splodge) throughout this, the lyrics from 2U by David Guetta will apply. (the lyrics are in italics) No limit in the sky That I won't fly for ya i knew, for a few days I've known. I've felt the lack of affection, and care towards me. I've received the physical message that made me know you don't, didn't want us. even though I've tried to give you everything. it didn't seem enough. i think that's the worst thing. the slow distance that has been created, the slow pace in which you have turned your back and walked away from me, or us. i think that's what has hurt the most. but you said you're happier away from me, so i respect your wishes. No amoun...

insight twentynine love letter noun a letter expressing romantic love for the recipient at midnight, tonight or this morning, i have decided to revisit a frequent topic that arises on my blog, simply because i wish to make him smile after I've ruined things... again. and so, after much googling and notes... here's the final product...

insight twenty these past two days have been some of my happiest. spending them with the best human on earth. just laughing and cuddling. making me forget everything. each kiss clearing my mind, making all my issues a thing of the past. just lying with him, being within his arms, feeling his warm with his heart beating softly against my ear, it's the best way to fall asleep. a sleep without a nightmare, he protects me, even throughout my rest. the clingy longing for him after he's gone, the hugs I miss so dearly when he's not by my side. our laughs and smiles that I treasure so close, the cute smile and giggle he does when I tickle his sides, the pure happiness that is shown, makes me feel a loving warmth within me, that grows like a flower, making my whole body lift with joy, with a short period of relief from the normal me. there are so many words to describe him, but none of them would fit perfectly. he is perfect. a super human that understands and doesn't at th...

insight nineteen it's hard to explain depression to someone who doesn't suffer it. it's like a rucksack on your back, that is full of bricks, weighing you down and making you constantly feel empty and down. even when you sleep, you feel the bag, making it uncomfortable to sleep. sometimes it gets heavier, making some days worst that others. some people add bricks, making it worse for you to keep smiling throughout that day. sometimes suddenly you feel weak, and you cant smile, and the bricks push you down, further down into a vortex of unwanted thoughts and sadness. each day, i wish i could forget it all, but i cant. i feel my eyes become weary and i just want to curl up in bed and sleep, forget about my problems, expectations and issues inside my head. even sleep doesn't help, doesn't refresh me, doesn't help, just makes me more exhausted. the sleepless nights make me worse. why. why do i push everyone away, people who actually treat me right i push away,...

insight eighteen love is something hard to define. a combination of positive emotions, pulling you towards a person whilst you laugh together, smiling in perfect happiness. i can only describe it as a chain, a long chain connecting you to that person, a strong feeling inside, a feeling of belonging when you are in their company. a tugging at your thought when you're alone, a need to see their face and feel there warmth. love. noun ~ a strong feeling of affection verb ~ to feel deep affection or sexual desire i don't think strong isn't the word. a feeling of adoration towards someone, it's like the blooming of flowers within your chest, a happiness that can only be achieved around that person, a subtle heat within your hands, where you crave their hand to be. even hearing their name catches all your attention, and the smallest things they do will make your love grow even more. being around them releases your worries, and makes your mind fill with goodness and ...

insight sixteen oh gosh how i love him, the way he laughs and then smiles at me, the way his hair flops and brushes through my fingers, the colours of his eyes when they look into mine, the funny nature he has and the caring character he hides from everyone else. his protectiveness over family and how much he cares, its the sweetest thing that i know. the time i spend with him is my favourite time of any week, the time we can spend alone together, just sitting, watching the sun set, talking about anything and everything. oh gosh how i miss him, how i miss his touch, how i miss his hugs, the warmth of his cheeks against my shoulder. i miss his presence, that instantly boosts me up from my normal pit of despair. i miss his everything, and i miss his kiss. oh gosh how amazing he is. a person who is so simple yet complex that sometimes i laugh at how much his personality differentiates. the funny, joking character he plays at school is nothing compared to the person he is ar...

insight fifteen there are so many things flying in my mind, crashing against my skull creating a constant migraine of pain and exhaustion. so many questions swaying on my shoulders, dragging me down lower and lower throughout the day. so many voices telling me things that i believe and know to be true. no one actually cares about me, no one actually gives a shit. they don't care if im stood there or just sat inside sorting out someone else's issue. if im there to give advice and help them then that's good for them. all i am is a toy, played with then dropped on the shelf and left for a while till someone takes a fancy and plays with my feelings, then puts me back again on the shelf, just to sit and take a long look at all the happy couples and friends laughing around, not caring where the toy had disappeared to. its consuming me, and it doesn't take a fool to know how hard im trying not to have a break down in the middle of school. it's getting worse, and i fucki...

insight one  you know what, love is horrible. loving someone, giving them your heart and then have them rip it up and betray you like you were nothing. leaving you and them to suffer. or just you. bad relationships are toxic. keeping you in only to be hurt and made cry. so addicted to your lover that you cant see how poisonous they are. that is the worst type of love. the love that traps you, that suffocates you with lies. the love that keeps you wrapped up in untrue thoughts. the love that blinds you from how nasty the other person is, and makes you believe that they are 'the one'. its the worst. being in an unhealthy relationship. its depressing. it puts you in a position where you have to change. break their heart to save your own. but the hurt still carries with you, the cheating pain that dissolves your faith in romance for months on end. the lack of desire in your heart crushes any chance of you believing someone when they say 'i love you'. destroys any trust...