who i am.

Insight sixtysix i think im finally ready, ready to talk about all of it. we sit in the small coffee shop, surrounded by busy beings and crying children, the afternoon of a clear blue day - the 25th of November. the potted plants sit on a brown paved floor, small pink flowers drooping down through the green, awaiting the springs warmth to lift them towards the clouds. floating birds meander around the tall oak trees, pushing acorns and dying leaves to the floor, reminding me that winter is still upon us. like any other cold day, layers of thick coats and knitted jumpers lay thrown over wooden chairs, whilst the owners silently queue for a lemon meringue pie or a red jam scone, which maybe accompanied by the finest cappuccino I've ever let my lips indulge. lifting the small smooth pebbles out of my black bag, i lay them out and tell the tale of each, the places they have travelled and the palms they have touched. sliding the fork underneath the lemon icing, i enjoy every taste

insight sixtyfive i honestly just want to write, rant, talk about what's racing around my head, racing down my face, racing like my heart. him, him and him. they know how it happened, you're no longer  the victim. it wasn't love or passion more of a complex act of control  and intentional scarring. hands intertwining, fingers latching on. get out of my head. its the late night mysterious boy  with the beckoning call of lust and need for a girl to comfort his wants, but that's no longer me. bodies closing in, eyes locking together. banish it from my mind. your warmth drawing me near, a comfort and safe place to escape to. a single conversation bringing a smile, always a smile. never anything less. cheeks rose with admiration, a simple brief touch. a welcoming imagination i cherish.

insight sixtyfour I remember when we used to talk until the early hours of dawn.  deep chats about sex or space  or ones that made me laugh in the darkness of the night.  I remember the love hearts, the sweetness that always surrounded us even when we were naive to life  even when we were younger. and back then, I did like you.  your smile and laughter being my drugs  and your nice eyes being a perfect sketch of beauty but happiness combined.  so many littles things we shared  and two quiet moments of intimacy the only moments in which we both  have been silent together  but were loving together  and now we speak into the early hours of a cloudy Sunday morning.  with the same jokes we had before and the same aura we had years ago and I feel the love I felt back then like everything was perfect again and that nothing had changed 

insight sixtythree touch i'm now numb  to your sharp touch tracing through my skin. numb to sensations that travel up my spine the blank relief  which once was new which once supported me you touched the blemishes tallied the cries you touched the places no one can see  yet made them watch me  alone