Who I am.

insight ninety findIng someone so perfect could take years. one individual has their lost soul, their other half to a full heart, in the world somewhere but when would they meet? to claim someone as your own and utterly adore them for every flaw, every mistake, every crack in their being - it is almost like a unreasonable love story. But if this is what love feels like, i don't ever want to be without it. i think i have found the one mortal i can call mine, the other piece to the puzzLe. he has these beautiful eyes that melt into my heart, as if a glance could calm me better than any words could ever. a smile, that smile, when he laughs or looks at me in loving dismay - an infectious happiness that can pull me out of the darkest lows. his skin, when i lie on his chest and feel his heart beating aside mine, tracing my fingers down his skin, freckles and all. arms around me like a wall, guard or shield, protecting me from anyone or anything that has Or could hurt me; the most ...

insight seventy delve deep into my thoughts and swim in the imaginary pools of wonders and worries. hands shaking, fingers twitching, legs jittering - the countdown remains small. the door sounds, a tall expected figure... wow he looks cute . settling my dancing heart rate, we laugh and smile until perfectly intertwined on the couch, Netflix buzzing in the background. his soft smelling hair leans comfortably on my shoulder, fingers locked in fingers, resisting the urge to tease one another. talking about past days and present memories, he pauses and smiles at me... and for a second or two I just admire those earthy eyes, natural wonders that soothe into my soul, yet creating an uplifted heartbeat that echoes throughout my chest... he is so pretty . legs side by side, I wrap my warm arms around his upper body, weaving my fingertips through his dusky brown hair, smooth waves of apple trees that fill my senses. his persistent mocking results in me lightly punching him in the arms, ...

insight sixtynine all written events are true and to factual correlation. dear him/you/whoever can relate to this, ... wrap your body around my brain for a while, and maybe you'll understand... a door closes shut, and i sigh, but not out of sorrow, well i guess you could say sadness from an escaping happiness driving down the street. i make my way back to my room, counting the steps as i go. thirteen. i fall back onto my bed, a huge smile growing on my face. his scent lies on my pillows and i hold one tight to my chest. i laugh, a small muffle because of my smitten obsession with these hours of fun. closing my eyes, i bite my lip, trying to rid of the smile that is everlasting throughout thoughts of only minutes ago, a feeling of want and need for those moments fills my gushing mind. its been a yellow day: amazing/very happy, i colour in my mood, and smile. the nerves i felt for this one day all fluttered away with the butterflies from my stomach. its astonishing, amazi...

insight sixtyeight it's like that feeling after a long holiday, wandering within the familiar walls and climbing into a familiar bed with the same household smells. a feeling of complete comfort within a home. but can you have this with a person? a sense of belonging from a smile, a touch or embrace? a warm sensation pulling your heart strings into a state of contentment though it is just the owner of a pair of earthy eyes that consume yours without resistance? maybe so. maybe its the feeling i have with a certain individual, a passionate tranquillity that creeps a smile upon my rosy cheeks when he doesn't even notice my inquisitive glaze upon his existence. such as a moment paused in time when you smiled up at me, when laying behind intertwined hands, eyes reflecting the evening sun within your bright complexion. maybe the clocks finally stopped, and i remain glancing at your every feature for a while longer, admiring each centimetre of your face with indented smile lines an...

insight sixtyfour I remember when we used to talk until the early hours of dawn.  deep chats about sex or space  or ones that made me laugh in the darkness of the night.  I remember the love hearts, the sweetness that always surrounded us even when we were naive to life  even when we were younger. and back then, I did like you.  your smile and laughter being my drugs  and your nice eyes being a perfect sketch of beauty but happiness combined.  so many littles things we shared  and two quiet moments of intimacy the only moments in which we both  have been silent together  but were loving together  and now we speak into the early hours of a cloudy Sunday morning.  with the same jokes we had before and the same aura we had years ago and I feel the love I felt back then like everything was perfect again and that nothing had changed 

insight fortythree it's just a like, just a double tap on a pretty girl. if that's all it is, why do I care so much? why do I tear out my mind and flash back to the time you brushed my hair in the mirror, smiling when I blushed? why do I see us sitting laughing in the conservatory, you clinging to my arm in a side on hug? why do I feel a pinch of pain when I pass you in the corridor and you act like I'm just another stranger? why do I smile when you laugh or smile, when your name pops up on my phone just for "streaks"? why do I feel like i do e why do i even try to make conversation and be nice when I know you hate my existence? well, I guess I don't blame you. I can't delete the photos. I can't erase the memories. I can't fade the love inside of me that makes me sob silently in bed over someone who probably never liked me. I can't not love that smile, or that laugh. I can't miss you in the crowd because I can always recogn...

insight fortytwo i laugh loudly with dead set eyes, thinking about something of the opposite emotion in which i seem. smiling at the boy i drift from, the walks out the room just like we never spoke like we did, like we may have done for more than the time before you cut yourself from me. the silence never came yet i felt so alone, holding your arm down the crowded corridor, im guessing my anxious flare got the better of me without you noticing. he sits in front of my table, tilting his head around whilst smiling, knowing i was looking at that gorgeous grin i hadn't seen in over a week. i was doing so well at not loving you, now look what a mess you've made. since the start of last period, no work had been done and constant giggles were exchanged over some lovers we have deep in our thoughts, yours amazingly perfect and mine sinking me slowly like a broken boat. maybe being at home may cheer me up, music blasting or a Netflix show in bed making me feel comfortable, safe and t...

insight thirtytwo you wanna know why I always say goodnight, sleep well, I love you  when you don't reply.  it's because if something happens  to me when the skies are dark  and the world is silent  and I disappear from you  I've told you the truth and something I'd want you to remember  and I'd know  if something  happened to you.  you would have know the truth  and I would of told you what  I really mean  something that will never ever  change; the fact that  I love you more than anything  more than infinite money  because money can't buy you happiness  you give me happiness  us gives me something to live for  something to hold onto  so thank you and goodnight, sleep well I love you  👽

insight nine  its late at night. too late. i should be amongst the counting sheep by now. people who are awake when only the stars are singing are alone, in love or on the other side of the world. if you're the first two at the same time... you're fucked. if you care or not, i had a good day today. but then as always my mood drops and happiness escapes me like a mole burrowing away from the sun. but the man behind my happiness is always there. late at night i think of him. his deep brown eyes swallowing me into a deep dream. his matching brown hair, almost effortlessly flopped over one eyebrow, a perfect softness to twist my fingers through. the black rims of his glasses shining against the light, making the dorky but cute impression arise. the smile that can lift my sorrows up in an instant creeps out as he catches me staring at his wonderful features. biting my lip, i lay my head down softly on his shoulder, wishing these moments would never en...

insight six  it's late at night. 1 am to be precise. everyone is sleeping, everything is quiet. it feels eerie and unnatural. but then again, it is the early night of a new day. 1:02 thinking of you 1:03 I miss you 1:04 I want you 1:05 I love you 1:06 thinking of love 1:07 hating it too 1:08...  too tired to open my eyes, but my brains awake with you. thoughts run in my mind, not telling me sleep. keeping me from thinking of anything else. needing your embrace due to a broken heater. needing that comfort I desire most late at night. nights like these where I need your calm words. loving voice and warm hands. feeling sick with the fact I haven't eaten. feeling lonely with the fact that you aren't here beside me. with your brown floppy hair and your dusky brown eyes. with your cheesy smile and contagious laugh. I'm lonely without the love I don't know how to feel. lonely without the trust I don't rely on. lonely without the lover in my life that keeps me...