9:19


insight eightynine 
Here’s a few blog starters that I just never got round to pursuing:

You’d be surprised about how much i feel. More than I seem to. From the persistent smiles and jokes. No. Not me. See me at home, watch me observe my face and cry. Watch me thrash at the walls just to release the anger I feel inside. Watch how I am never enough for anyone. Watch how they chip away as me, not good enough, not happy. Watch me cry and cry until I feel dizzy with short breaths.

It’s as if I am lost, I have lost something within me. Something so significant that my entire personality depends on it.

I feel as if I’m going rotten. Rotting from the inside and not showing a sign of disgust externally. My brain turning…

I hurt. I hurt really bad inside. And I just want someone to hold me. Someone from the past. The present. Someone. I feel like ice. Thin ice. Like I make everyone tiptoe around me because they may make me snap. Crack. Break into angry shards that hurt anyone in my path. As if anything could break me in an instant.

It’s as if my being is a burning flame of a candle in its final hours. I feel as if the smoke that floats when it finally reaches its end is the life leaving my body, leaving a helpless shell of empty sadness to end for itself without a personality to guide it. I feel like that smoke leaves my body many times a day. Every time something hits me, gets me down, more bellows out of me, creating a dark fog around my head, blinding me from everything happening.

I feel as if something died that day. Something broke inside me, something so deep that I didn’t realise. But now. Now I know that it did. And now I suffer with that breaking piece every day. It burns within me. It slowly chips away at everything I live for, everything I hold on for.

Someone seriously shake me. Until my lungs give out. I need something to wake me up. Cool me down or warm me. Incomplete thoughts break my breaths. Do I stay, do I leave, do I go, or do I not? Everything, everyone, turning, smiling laughing, at me?

:((

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