9:19


insight eightynine 
Here’s a few blog starters that I just never got round to pursuing:

You’d be surprised about how much i feel. More than I seem to. From the persistent smiles and jokes. No. Not me. See me at home, watch me observe my face and cry. Watch me thrash at the walls just to release the anger I feel inside. Watch how I am never enough for anyone. Watch how they chip away as me, not good enough, not happy. Watch me cry and cry until I feel dizzy with short breaths.

It’s as if I am lost, I have lost something within me. Something so significant that my entire personality depends on it.

I feel as if I’m going rotten. Rotting from the inside and not showing a sign of disgust externally. My brain turning…

I hurt. I hurt really bad inside. And I just want someone to hold me. Someone from the past. The present. Someone. I feel like ice. Thin ice. Like I make everyone tiptoe around me because they may make me snap. Crack. Break into angry shards that hurt anyone in my path. As if anything could break me in an instant.

It’s as if my being is a burning flame of a candle in its final hours. I feel as if the smoke that floats when it finally reaches its end is the life leaving my body, leaving a helpless shell of empty sadness to end for itself without a personality to guide it. I feel like that smoke leaves my body many times a day. Every time something hits me, gets me down, more bellows out of me, creating a dark fog around my head, blinding me from everything happening.

I feel as if something died that day. Something broke inside me, something so deep that I didn’t realise. But now. Now I know that it did. And now I suffer with that breaking piece every day. It burns within me. It slowly chips away at everything I live for, everything I hold on for.

Someone seriously shake me. Until my lungs give out. I need something to wake me up. Cool me down or warm me. Incomplete thoughts break my breaths. Do I stay, do I leave, do I go, or do I not? Everything, everyone, turning, smiling laughing, at me?

:((

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

5:26

insight fiftythree there's a lot of things going on right now. in my head i mean. my life isn't a lot of things, very slow motion rain and black a white music. ... let me set the scene... a candle flickers beside me, close enough so i can feel the heat but not burning my hair black. music rings through my headphones, Supermarket flowers singing my emotions in a comforting sort of way. my phone to the right of my laptop flashes with a notification from a heart breaker, whom for some reason wants to communicate with me. to my left is the rain, trickling slowly down my window, blurring the clouds and bricks together, a typical English autumn day. I've been watching this series, Doctor Foster on BBC. the final episode touched my heart, in a eye opening way. the parents of a young boy, Tom, were fighting and he went through an emotional turmoil of negative feelings. they didn't notice. but i did. i know it's all made up, but i noticed. the pale skin, the sleepless ...
Read more

9:38

insight sixtyone i guess you don't really understand your dependence, love and reliance on a person until you're apart. the strength of the bond that you need physically yet it's something you take for granted until it's no longer visible. Day to day laughs that are your medicine from the dark, smiles for just seconds that brighten the doomed thoughts. Just a few days, it's less than a week; why should I be bothered? maybe because without you around I feel lost within myself, or the daunting fact that we are two as one but apart, we long to be in each other's company. but it's only a few days right? wrong. mentally, emotionally, I realise how much I lean on you, even if it's not noticeable, to you, to anyone. maybe that's the only reason I like to spend 6 hours of exhausting boredom, because I know I will smile with you for all those seconds I desire. maybe you're a drug, a dose of happiness that no one nor nothing can replace. in the worst of...
Read more

8:17

insight ninetyone We’re well into 2020. I have done a lot of reflecting over the last decade and a lot of looking at what is happening this year. Here are the things I’m taking away from this two week thought splurge: The decade of the 2010s I can’t fathom the amount of things that happened in the past 10 years. It’s been a whirlwind year of things that made and things that broke me as a person. So many achievements and amazing memories were made, and i look back and feel thankful for those times, those people. However some moments weren’t as hopeful, hurting me more as i delve deeper into those times. I’m beginning to accept them now; I’m starting to regard them not just as something that made but also something i cant get rid of, only deal with slowly. I am a partial believer in ‘everything happens for a reason’ and i use it to explain the friends, experiences and hardships that have been and gone; it helps me move on to a new time and a new head space. So i say to 2010 and al...
Read more