who i am.

insight fiftyeight i haven't written, nor thought about doing so, in a month. i can't say i'm sorry because i'm not, time away isn't always easy but my minds been too full to fathom words on a page, or a screen. my hands shake like an alcoholic yet my alcohol is liquid nerves, worries and unslept nights. my eyes tired, stained black with attempts of beauty that try to hide the layers of sleep deprivation burrowing into my grey skin. my nails bitten within anxious episodes when at school, home or anywhere that caused internal terror in my brain. mind flickers from thought to thought, clockwork timing to circle round and round that same point, the same pin the works that stops me from achieving the full happiness i should feel for upcoming events, and past celebrations. tick tock. tick tock. the thought jitter, mixing into one pile of letter, numbers, like binary code but making no sense. blind to the plain sight of pain inflicted within, the silent torment stopping...

insight fiftyseven throughout my life i have kept many diaries, and after reading my most recent one, i want to punch my past self square in the face. after doing so my hand hurts, but i thought to make my life into a sort of poem. here is 509 days of my life - April 11th 2016 to September 1st 2017. 43977600 seconds, 732960 minutes, 12216 hours or 72.71 weeks of my life given to you in single sentence insights. a journal, not a diary because it sounds too childish today was actually a fairly good day finally on track to being 100% happy he said he felt worthless but i made it better today was utterly shit, low emotion but smiling. cba to talk sorry i didn't see him, i miss him i haven't smiled this much in a while he actually loves me, for me friends are just okay so much drama going on i slapped |Emma for a fiver i want to be Margo from paper towns i forgot to write, sorry i guess math - boring, tech - boring, French - boring does he actually love me? i h...

insight fiftysix they say it get better when you tell your parents about your mental health. a few days of realisation then a long road to being "normal". but with mine, it hasn't been like that. nothing like that at all. i am victimised and bullied by my own mother and stepfather, snarled at with snide comments and shouted at for just being a little sad. when simple things become a tiresome chore of social interaction with distant people that should hold you and tell you its going to be okay, but don't. your close bond with mother and daughter makes me envious, a laugh a hug a helping hand, nothing that i can get since i shouted the truth to her face i don't want to be here anymore you think im lying? that there's nothing wrong? that this is all for attention? why would i be sat by my bedroom door, sit from eating half my dinner before you verbally harass me with comments of invasion, wanting to know every small detail of my conversations with a friend. w...

insight fiftyfive For 5 days of this week I travelled around Iceland, exploring and conquering fears whilst admiring the picturesque scenery. I also kept a diary and here it is... day one - 16.10.17 8am and the coach is packed, music blares from tangled headphones and happy children excite over the upcoming "fieldtrip" to the small cold country of Iceland. not caring about the lengthy travel ahead, Leah and i sang a duet from High School musical and consumed sugary delights to the point of a dancing high. Airport looming over head, the constant chatter and security guards made the mood less enjoyable. seated on the plane with a chicken wrap and coffee in hand, the houses disappeared into a satisfying cloudy mess that rose above any problems left behind. storm brewing behind, other flights are cancelled to areas affected, luckily we flew right into the cold winds of Iceland without any issues expect only finding the colouring books 10 minutes before landing. after a tir...

insight fiftyfour what are we? a mishap of love the left over feeling from before the conversations with blunt ends a sweet smile for sadness funny jokes yet i didn't laugh nice compliments yet you didn't smile yet i didn't smile 👻

insight fiftythree there's a lot of things going on right now. in my head i mean. my life isn't a lot of things, very slow motion rain and black a white music. ... let me set the scene... a candle flickers beside me, close enough so i can feel the heat but not burning my hair black. music rings through my headphones, Supermarket flowers singing my emotions in a comforting sort of way. my phone to the right of my laptop flashes with a notification from a heart breaker, whom for some reason wants to communicate with me. to my left is the rain, trickling slowly down my window, blurring the clouds and bricks together, a typical English autumn day. I've been watching this series, Doctor Foster on BBC. the final episode touched my heart, in a eye opening way. the parents of a young boy, Tom, were fighting and he went through an emotional turmoil of negative feelings. they didn't notice. but i did. i know it's all made up, but i noticed. the pale skin, the sleepless ...

insight fiftytwo                    enjoy a lil' memo i wrote whilst mid-breakdown own habits tapping me insane a prisoner within my own self my past guarding it shut inside tears slide for the torture of my own problems, failures, illness understanding? no i escape to any world with the boy who i love? cuddles with laughter, love? when sat on my sheets arm around waist though my tears slide he says hey, it'll be okay then he fades away and it's dark whilst im still sat on my sheets hey, it'll be okay voice cracking through lie hey, it'll be just fine i promise i'll be here for you he said but then he left phaha i dunno also, i got some of these blogs on a website thing... pretty cool... here they are... https://iam1in4.com/2017/09/effects-of-grief/ https://iam1in4.com/2017/09/a-toxic-relationship/ https://iam1in4.com/2017/09/feeling-empty-an-empty-poem/ https://iam1in4.com/2017/09/at-the-worst/ 👎 ...

insight fiftyone i guess I just give in so many numb thoughts that day dream reality waving for attention for actions when in maths whilst numbers bore me but all I have to write is lines. smiling for the mother knowing I'm not who I am yet smiling for the daughter who zone's out to song which you don't listen close to zones out whilst singing those lines. straight into bed 9:27 when eyes drop low yet flicker open to the sound of rain flicker to watch the droplets race weaving to create the window lines. sickening feeling in stomach just a shiny thing placed in a shaking hand in which she wishes relief when carved words become tears but remembering doesn't help and relief doesn't come not like before before she started the lines. 🔇

insight fifty 2nd holiday... same old camera... daily writing... whilst in Gisburn, West Yorkshire... 28th August 2017 the art of a new day dawns pink wakening sun blue surprises spread within cloud grey headphones blast calm red top hanging down black thoughts settling in (well that was shit... shitty day) 29th August 2017 tomorrow i recognise every detail details one wants never showing all details details everyone always disguises (ooh secret message... ooh bad day) 30 th August 2017 crisp white sheets twisted round tired eyes squinting in the peeking sun from curtains closed flat white duvet welcomes and fluffy socks warm whilst howls hoot in trees (sleepy day...) 31 th August 2017 separated by emotion or by mental happiness it could be stability divide by a smile or a pair of tired eyes unfair rules without trust unfair happiness throughout the mind (more arguments... fuck sake) 1st...

insight fortynine 9:12am today is the day the day i make myself proud the day i do something that will change a lot of things for the better... maybe 1:03pm an hour until i have to go until i have to lie until i have to walk until i face my anxious fears 2:06pm out the door with music loud forest muddy but warm air circles under the road, over the bridge past the pub and the noisy bikers and still i shake like a maraca 2:38pm with a shaky voice and nervous leg twitch i sit on the surprising comfy seats staring out the window at the corner indian opposite Africa by Toto plays on the radio a comfort reminding of my dad's terrible singing 2:42pm old people sat in the front one chewing on a humbug i wonder why do elders obsess over mints when my game of colour switch gets boring 2:45pm cute boy walks in ripped black jeans and cheeky smile he sits in front of me on the back row seats glancing back at me as i stare ou...

insight fortyeight tis me again, enjoy more of this weird-ass book... title: Red Chapter 3 breathe. breathe. breathe. 1 breath, 2 breath, 3 breath, 4... come on Alice, you're going to be okay. just in through the nose, out through the mouth. confined in the vibrating boot space of an old car, i attempt to untie the rope from my wrists, black sack itching at my tear stained cheeks. wrists feeling red and head hurting with concentration, i scream and shout to the world around me, even though a little bit of my brain knows no one can hear me. kicking the walls, my breathing shortens as i give in with exhaustion to the disgusting man who dragged me into this stupid mess. as i sit in silence, with only the occasional bump or turn effecting me, i question and contemplate a lot of things in my little mind, only just realising the extent of this happening. what is he going to do with me? kill me? eat me? chop off my fingers and use them as his own? where...

insight fortyseven i ready for my shower: marshmallow wash on the side; hair products beside it; mint green scrub to wash my legs; towels sprawled over the radiator; moisturiser propped on the washing basket. stripping my travel clothes, i pull out my ratty hair and observe the misted reflection i see in the shower window. studying my body up and down, i mentally name all the flaws that i can spot... and that's a lot. chipped nail varnish on the tips of my toes fading grey scar on the left foot stubbly legs with uneven tanning multiple scars on the thighs fat thighs at that hips too wide butt weirdly big scars circling my stomach and sides fat torso huge boobs with stretch marks very bad tan lines little moles on shoulders too broad shoulders white dots on my arms burn scars on my hands fat stubby hands spot scars on face weird eye colour too large lips small ears odd eyebrows ratty hair dye fading dark tired circles around eyes bags under eyes graduall...

insight fortysix meh i'm bored. here's some brain fart material... title: Red chapter 2 pacing to and from the red framed painting of us, i call for the 65th time, still only going to the fucking generic voicemail lady telling me to speak after the godforsaken beep. i slam down the phone on the already-broken shelf and go into the mouldy bathroom, the stupid bath leak dripping irritatingly into my brain. splashing cold water onto my dark circles and crackled lips i hear my phone ring. tripping over unironed dirty laundry, i race and answer it within seconds. "hello! where are you Tom? what the fuck are you doing out of this house?!" i yell down the line, hands shaking like fish out of water. "why the hell you worried 'bout you're ex, sweet-cheeks? it's me Jonas, you know... the current love of your life?" he says, a sarcastic laugh added into the annoying hell-hole that im in right now. "oh sorry Bonas, i was... checking on th...

insight fortyfive throughout my camping holiday in Bembridge, Isle of Wight, i wrote creative writing pieces each day. so here, have a read... 5th August 2017 10 minutes past 1. the rain suddenly races towards the desert-cracked field, families run here and there quickly collecting their chairs, hot dogs and children before the drums rumble loud in the clouded sky. 15 minutes past 1. silence weaves itself in and out the bedrooms as tired eyes close momentarily to the rhythmic beat of the thin tent roof being danced upon by small water droplets. 20 minutes past 1. rain easing, the families return to their sun loungers and happy chatter is heard once again (consider the fact I'd had no sleep and a 5:45am ferry...) 6th August 2017 sun beating down on my bare shoulders, i push against the white waves and swim into the deep. seagulls blaring and salt water splashing, i dip my brunette hair into the more-cold-than-warm sea, letting it weave itself i...

insight fortyfour rain trickles down the blotched white roof of the conservatory and the loud taps echo through my left ear. music blasting through a single headphone in the other, that specific scent rolls through my open window and surrounds me as I dangle my bare legs over the frame. the sheer sound and tranquillity that comes from 3 am rain calms my faded soul and clears my mind of everything cluttered. clouds float over the trees as I wait in anticipation for the sunrise, phone balanced on lap listening to music. danger strikes through me as my mind flickers to the untimely death of the ifs and buts in the event of falling however I relax myself by staring out the blurry glass, simply watching the water droplets race to the bottom. at times like these i thank my sleep problems for keeping me up at the lonely hours, for helping my eyes strain at a laptop screen to type these very words whilst everyone else is taken away to the land of steady breathing and ...

insight fortythree it's just a like, just a double tap on a pretty girl. if that's all it is, why do I care so much? why do I tear out my mind and flash back to the time you brushed my hair in the mirror, smiling when I blushed? why do I see us sitting laughing in the conservatory, you clinging to my arm in a side on hug? why do I feel a pinch of pain when I pass you in the corridor and you act like I'm just another stranger? why do I smile when you laugh or smile, when your name pops up on my phone just for "streaks"? why do I feel like i do e why do i even try to make conversation and be nice when I know you hate my existence? well, I guess I don't blame you. I can't delete the photos. I can't erase the memories. I can't fade the love inside of me that makes me sob silently in bed over someone who probably never liked me. I can't not love that smile, or that laugh. I can't miss you in the crowd because I can always recogn...

insight fortytwo i laugh loudly with dead set eyes, thinking about something of the opposite emotion in which i seem. smiling at the boy i drift from, the walks out the room just like we never spoke like we did, like we may have done for more than the time before you cut yourself from me. the silence never came yet i felt so alone, holding your arm down the crowded corridor, im guessing my anxious flare got the better of me without you noticing. he sits in front of my table, tilting his head around whilst smiling, knowing i was looking at that gorgeous grin i hadn't seen in over a week. i was doing so well at not loving you, now look what a mess you've made. since the start of last period, no work had been done and constant giggles were exchanged over some lovers we have deep in our thoughts, yours amazingly perfect and mine sinking me slowly like a broken boat. maybe being at home may cheer me up, music blasting or a Netflix show in bed making me feel comfortable, safe and t...

insight fortyone perfection noun  - the state or quality of being perfect.  - a person or thing considered to be perfect. sun gleaming down on the cool forest leaves, i walk fast paced down the grass empty path, music blaring through my headphones to block out the cars, to block out everything. looking upon to the painted peeled pub i start towards to busy road that leaves my hair blowing the way they race, pausing my music as the chorus starts to sing "It's in the stars, it's been written in the scars in our hearts. We're not broken just bent, and...". evening dawning i kick the gravel below my denim converse shoes and head towards my silent haven, my quiet get away from all the noisy arguments and texts from a lost lover, my way of getting rid of everything. easing my music volume, i greet the open water with a deep breath of fresh air and a smile, not a human nor dog in sight, just the vast amount of geese that sit on the soft water gliding to the beat...

insight forty i hurt i ache all over. my limbs weary and dehydrated from the tears i cried in that empty yard behind the tall church, the horses staring in confusion. i spoke to you like you were there, telling you the recent events on school and the stress from exams. just like you were stood there in your skirt, knee high socks and pink pigtails. as if you were still breathing right in front of me. i tried to convince myself you are in heaven, a place in the clouds with your dad which sounds like a perfect fantasy. but i know you're just in a box underground, slowly decomposing in the sweet soil, bare bones from your small body left behind. the flashes of that reality hurt my eyes, make them blurry with the sadness. but still i talk, about the breaking of my relationship and the arguments between friends. i apologized again for everything i did wrong and told you about your dear friends state, the slow down fall of her emotions making me feel numb inside, making me want to ma...

insight thirtynine Dear Lucy, i hope you're not too warm up there, maybe wear sun cream in case you burn your pale skin. i have been thinking of you, a lot recently. i sit next to you in geography, can you imagine us pair every lesson... sir would go mad?! i chewed on some chewing gum today, mint flavoured and i remember how you used to sneeze each time you smelt mint, a cute high pitched sneeze every time. school has change, time goes on but i guess everyone has changed. we have welcomed a new member to our friend group, i hope you laugh with us. she's a phan member so im sure you can make an exception. Katie, our squish, has been struggling a lot, her anxiety is through the roof and i just want to roll her up in bubble wrap so she's safe forever. don't blame yourself Lucy, she is missing you as are we all. it's surprising how things can change in 17 weeks and 14 days, 133 days. i have lost the love of my life over my stupid mental health, you could've list...

insight thirtyeight break ups. they suck, they really really suck. for most people its the stereotypical few days crying into four tubs of cookie dough ice cream then getting drunk and making out with some dude who you have forgotten the name of. for me, its not the same. yes i have done the sitting in the shower with the water on my back whilst crying thing, that happened. but the rest of the time has been different. i sat in my room and cried to hours straight over nothing but our converstaion on snapchat, a few printed photos i removed from my wall and some sad songs from a playlist. as much as drank i let out, and when you say you knew it would hurt me, i don't know how you could expect it not to. i have spent my time preparing for this, yet i wasn't prepared for myself, the way i am, or the way i might become. I've disconnected from people, and when i laugh i just go back to my normal numb mood within seconds. the happiness, the emotion of happiness has been ripped ...

insight thirtyseven well i would say this is one of the worst days of my life. to you i may seem melodramatic but to me this is the worst thing that could happen to me right now. probably in the top 5 worst days of my life, around about 3rd. (this is not a guilt trip, just a heart splodge) throughout this, the lyrics from 2U by David Guetta will apply. (the lyrics are in italics) No limit in the sky That I won't fly for ya i knew, for a few days I've known. I've felt the lack of affection, and care towards me. I've received the physical message that made me know you don't, didn't want us. even though I've tried to give you everything. it didn't seem enough. i think that's the worst thing. the slow distance that has been created, the slow pace in which you have turned your back and walked away from me, or us. i think that's what has hurt the most. but you said you're happier away from me, so i respect your wishes. No amoun...