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insight thirtyeight
break ups.
they suck, they really really suck. for most people its the stereotypical few days crying into four tubs of cookie dough ice cream then getting drunk and making out with some dude who you have forgotten the name of. for me, its not the same. yes i have done the sitting in the shower with the water on my back whilst crying thing, that happened. but the rest of the time has been different. i sat in my room and cried to hours straight over nothing but our converstaion on snapchat, a few printed photos i removed from my wall and some sad songs from a playlist. as much as drank i let out, and when you say you knew it would hurt me, i don't know how you could expect it not to. i have spent my time preparing for this, yet i wasn't prepared for myself, the way i am, or the way i might become. I've disconnected from people, and when i laugh i just go back to my normal numb mood within seconds. the happiness, the emotion of happiness has been ripped from me as soon as you went. but, i am happy if you are happy. by happy i mean destroyed but whatever helps you sleep at night. i will happily feel shit if it means you're happy.
today has just been the day of realisation, the day that everything sets in. i have never noticed the intense bumps of the bus as it drives slowly down the pot holed lanes, because i was always texting you. i have never had a day that has dragged on so long, the painful sights of you that makes me ache with hurt of knowing that i cant hug you or feel your hands interlinked with mine again. you probably have noticed me, noticed me looking at you. just staring at your perfect smile or your beautiful eyes. the features i have fell in love with a million times over. im sorry for looking at you, but i just cant help myself.
2017 hasn't really been my year, until you came. you saw my highs and lows and kept me happy for a long time. that's the worst part. and now, i know for a fact i will get worse. if that's possible?! and i hate to think what will come of that, what will happen. i am scared of who i am and it is ridiculous how much i hide away from everything. i sound so hormonally melodramatically emo, but it is true. i've got to that point where all i ever think about is giving in, you distracted me from it, and now you're not there, not there to be called mine.
breaks ups are never easy but my last was easy, after a few days i was okay. but this break up has as it says, broke me and broke us. i don't think a break up has effected me as much as it has this one, i guess i did basically cling to you like a koala.... oops....
every song that describes the love of two people makes me think of us. flash freeze frames of us laughing, cuddling or walking together makes me smile through tears that blur my vision on the bus ride home. i care a lot for you, and that wont change. bad words people say i will always defend you, and i cant say a bad word to you, that's saying a lot since  i bad mouth basically all but 3 of my friends....
you seem so happy, and i hate myself for being me. there's so many better people out there for you and i hope you find the perfect one, but i'll still get jealous, because its not me in your arms. that's going to be the hardest part, but im sure you'll be happier and with a better person.
i don't think you understand how much you mean to me, how much my love really goes on for you. I've told you before and i'll tell you again, you mean the entire world to me and there's not other person i could see myself being so strong with, and i cant be bothered to find another boy so yeah. you don't comprehend the extent of your effect on my existence. youre like my heart, keeping me alive. now that's gone, im slowly bleeding out, dying and watching you be happy else where. if your happy, then i can fade with a smile on my face.
 because no one actually needs me.
no one wants me.
no one loves me
not even you.

☺