10:01

insight thirtyseven

well i would say this is one of the worst days of my life. to you i may seem melodramatic but to me this is the worst thing that could happen to me right now. probably in the top 5 worst days of my life, around about 3rd.

(this is not a guilt trip, just a heart splodge)

throughout this, the lyrics from 2U by David Guetta will apply. (the lyrics are in italics)

No limit in the sky
That I won't fly for ya

i knew, for a few days I've known. I've felt the lack of affection, and care towards me. I've received the physical message that made me know you don't, didn't want us. even though I've tried to give you everything. it didn't seem enough. i think that's the worst thing. the slow distance that has been created, the slow pace in which you have turned your back and walked away from me, or us. i think that's what has hurt the most. but you said you're happier away from me, so i respect your wishes.

No amount of tears in my eyes
That I won't cry for ya, oh no

crying, tears, wow today was a lot. this lyric is what made me think that this song applies to my feelings for you, i put everything into us, i cried in private over something small, then smiled on camera for you, i cried into your shoulder when times were tough and there aren't many people that have seen me cry. i cried when laughing in my kitchen at our funny cheese joke which still today makes me smile. I cried today, a whole new river flowed out of my eyes, because i knew it was my fault. you think i wouldn't be upset, you think i wouldn't cry? well you are stupid to think so when you know how attached to you i was, and still are. all the tears i am shedding i don't care about, because I'd do anything for us to be like we were but i know you don't want that. but i am glad you're happy, because that's all i want.

With every breath that I take
I want you to share that air with me

you see, the big problem with this situation, this horrible shitty situation, is that all i wish is for hugs. your hugs are the one things that boosted me, and i never knew a hug could do that. that final hug was the first proper hug i'd had in a while, and i knew you cared. but i hate how it is my last. they made me feel safe, happy and not alone. i have wrote so many blogs on how much i adore you, kisses and embraces. i cant change any of that. it is all true. you gave me a reason to live, a reason to try and get better and sort out my mental state. you gave me something to focus on and stay with. now. what do I do? I don't know what you expected me to do, what you expect me to do next. because there is only one thing on my mind, and now. I feel okay doing that. which is the most scary part, i am a danger to myself. and you stopped that from happening. and I know it all sounds selfish but it is true, so true. I'm scared of myself and where I am going to go from how, down hill probably. you kept me up. that's the saddest part of all this. I got so attached that I was so dependant on you. now. I'm unsure on what to do. anymore. with anything. it's so shitty. I'm sorry. the photos on Instagram, im not deleting because the captions are true. i cant bring myself to look through our photos yet, delete them like you have deleted me. they show so much happiness that i wish i could have, but you are happy and that is the main thing.

There's no promise that I won't keep
I'll climb a mountain, there's none too steep

promises are a huge thing to me, and i will keep the ones i made to you, even thought we are apart. i hope you keep yours, to never tell anyone my personal life, or talk about us to others. gosh i hate break ups, and now i feel lost. even sat on the field, tears still staining and dampening my skin repeatedly, i still looked at you. your happy face with that cheeky smile, them strong shoulders and short legs, hair bouncing as you run. out of all them boys, i still found my eyes wandering to your position, and i hate the most. in a room full of people, in an assembly of 200 kids, i would look for you, no matter how hard. i would find your face because the happiness and smiles it would give me weren't like any other i have felt before. but you are happy playing football so that's good.

When it comes to you
There's no crime

"oh he's a dickhead" "what a knob" "he's such a dick for doing that" no. no he is not. every single time someone said that, i denied it, i almost shouted at them to stop. NO he is not a dick or whatever you think, he is an amazing person, who can be a dick at times but cares. he's a smart, kind, funny, happy, loving person who i wish every happiness to. someone who made me feel like a princess in all my dark times. he made everything disappear, as if it was just me and him. everything negative was replaced by fields of flowers and faces of smiles, laughter and kisses. everything felt okay, felt like it was going to be okay and i didn't have to end my life, or give up on everything and everyone. he gave me a purpose to live, a purpose to carry on. but i am pleased that you are happy now.

Let's take both of our souls
And intertwine

sometimes, i feel something within me that alerts my heart, makes it known to me that the person standing in front of me is one of my other soul mates, one other person who is similar to me in a certain way that makes me so happy. us. we have the same humour, childish spark. i had that with you. in the 5 months and 10 days, my head and heart were in agreement, something that has never happened in a relationship. my head told me it was good for my moods, good for my mental state. my heart told me it was right, that it was love. love being a strong word that i could and still can use confidently towards you. my feelings haven't changed, and i still love you, no matter what. i know you don't love me, and that is okay. because you are happy, and that's the important thing.

When it comes to you
Don't be blind
Watch me speak from my heart
When it comes to you

all of this is a big thought burst from my heart, something that explains every inch of pain and guilt i feel within me. and i say guilt because i know this is all my fault. if i was happy, like you, and didn't tell you everything about me, kept that half of me private, we could have gone on, but i didn't. and i hate myself for being this way. you were literally like a antidepressant because you helped me so so much, more than anyone before. I can't even produce the words to tell you how much you mean to me, imagine me doing the none speaking thing when I saw your shoulders. Just no words and random noises. that's also me trying to explain all of this. in a picture form it would be a huge scribble with like a load of bad words and hate toward some on it. without knowing i became so comfortable yet reliant on you that i depended on you to be happy, and that is where i down fall. because you don't love me anymore, you don't care for me. im just another girl in the crowd, just another stranger with a past. i don't wish it to be that way, i would cut off an arm and leg to be back to where we were, even though they'd be half of me, i would be happy with you. but you're happy else where so that's all good.

Cupid ain't a lie
Arrow got your name on it, oh yeah

to be honest, im not sure you comprehend how much you mean to me. in my mind, i don't think you understand how much your existence has effected another persons. its like having a teddy, like the one on your bed. a brown teddy with green eyes, fluffy and comfy. you have had the teddy close to you for a long time, it is a teddy you hug and laugh with, a teddy that has seen you at your best and at your worst but is there never the less. you are happy. then suddenly that teddy rolls away, slowly falling down a hill, and you watch it get further and further away, ripping your heart apart in the process. then finally it goes out of sight, it is gone, never to be hugged again. that is the best way of describing this all. because you are that teddy bear for me, and you literally were making my life so much better. i cant say any bad words about you, because there is nothing i dislike or hate about you, you are truly amazing. honestly, you are more than air to me. but obviously you don't feel the same. but you are happy again so that's okay.

Don't miss out on a love
And regret yourself on it, oh

i do not regret knowing you, or dating you. it has given me the greatest relationship i have had and has given me something to smile over, even though it is over. i regret opening up to you, telling you all my issues and making it come to this. it is all my fault and i am sorry for that. i am a lot to take on, and i get so jealous over you. in my most honest opinion, i am jealous of how happy and careless you are, how together your family is and how amazing your life is. you have so much going for you and you are an awesome person that deserves everything good in the world. i can safely say your going to do great at your exams and you know i am always here to help. but you don't need me now, you are happy.

Open up your mind, clear your head
Ain't gotta wake up to an empty bed

id love to know what's going on in your head right now. are you feeling like i am? probably not. are you as upset as me? definitely not. do you still like me? doubt that. id love to see inside your mind, maybe you could tell me. help me understand. boys are so hard to read in these situations, and i wish i could understand how you are within this all. you seem happy, i am glad. but i cant help but hurt at that. it sounds so selfish but i have been an emotion wreck all day, in front of people and in the toilets, behind the PE block and by my locker. i have cried more than i ever have inside school grounds, i think that shows how much you mean to me. don't you think? but you didn't see all that, all that upset. because you were too busy being happy, and that is good.

Share my life, it's yours to keep
Now that I give to you all of me, oh

very true this line is. i have shared my life with you, i have told you everything about me. and it is also true that i have given it all to you. i put everything in our relationship and tried to improve myself even when I am so tired and exhausted from helping others be happy, me and my hypocrital advice. I only want you happy, and if that's not with me then I am okay with hurting and being without my happiness.

thank you for everything you did for me, I have nothing but appreciation for you. you are a great person and you shouldn't feel insecure about anything. you are very good looking, nice, funny and smart. you will go far in life. and I'll be happy I was a part of a life as amazing as yours. thank you. I love you and that doesn't change. I still love you, like you, fancy uou whatever the words are. and I'm sorry I do. I can't change how I feel, I can't drop feelings in a few seconds. that's not how love works. and don't expect me to move on, because that isn't happening. if you move on, I'll be happy for you. very jealous. but happy. and I'm sorry for everything I did wrong. I really am. 

I love you Hedgehog. I really do. <3

☺