10:55

insight seventyfour

prom day - 22/6/18

from sleeping till wake, my mind occupies the thoughts about prom, all those hours away but yet the excitement brews within me already. stretching off the interrupted slumber, busy feet rush around awaiting the school buses for their fresh souls to be taken upon. slowly i pull myself out of bed, wishing for a burst of energy but confronted by a chaotic day of getting ready for that final school gathering for all eternity - a slightly unsettling feeling. mixed emotions stare me in the face as i attempt to save my skin with cleansers and moisturisers in which do nothing to hide the grey circles around my blue eyes. throwing on some old tattered clothes, i eat as little as possible to aid a flatter stomach in my beautiful pink dress, a princess's gown awaiting my presence.

sitting for hours in a small room filled with acrylic smells and organised shelves, i converse about my life like she is interested, a warm comforting feeling arising from her smile. finally set and done, i thank her for changing my hands into delicate shiny beauties that make everything awkward to accomplish. nails tapping on my dull phone screen, i walk along the busy roads that carry many vehicles, flashing and beeping in rhythmic song. glitter reflecting the flickering sun, clouds wander overhead creating moments of shade in the burning rays, a promising forecast for a promising day. a positive phone call over, i smile into the distance - can this day get any better?

sitting in an uncomfortable wooden chair, i close my eyes awaiting the gentle stroke of a make up brush, concealer covering the slightly red complexion. so many minutes pass as i accompany a good friend in the steps to transforming my face into a work of art... sort of. staring into a dirty mirror, i observe all the imperfections, all slightly dimmed by the coloured paint that has been carefully embraided onto my skin. grinning slightly over my different look, i feel a sense of belonging and self worth; maybe i like this feeling - im unsure. as quick as you can say curlers, im back in that chair with a heated but not burnt neck that arches to avoid crushing the curls that sit across my back. pins digging into my apple scented hair, i review the finished look, a new me staring at me within the reflection. 

dress sliding over my hips, i position the material in an appropriate manner, staying clear of the small gem stones that cover my chest. admiring the new found woman in the floor length mirror, i wonder what other people will think, what he will think, which sends me into a depth of anxiety and worry - nothing new there. buckling my heels to my smooth feet, i amble down the stairs, a family of photographers waiting for me at the bottom. smiling for what seems a million times, i strut to the clean Mercedes i get to ride in, a comfortable stylish car that is set to surprise my bestfriend. 

seeing her navy blue dress makes me smile in awe, her curly hair held back by tiny braids and pointed nails matching her golden shoes. taking more photos with my stunning bestfriend, we get into the warm car and drive off onto the big event, the big finale of high school life. seeing small heads gathered in large groups makes my stomach fill with butterflies, all pushing into my organs like they want me to be sick. glancing ahead to the few people i can see, i see him standing near the front of the packed care park, little bow tie enclosed in a smart black suit. i bite my lip to restrain from smiling too much, his handsome appearance sending my heart and mind into grateful places - im so lucky to have someone who looks as good as that. getting closer to the stopping line, i get a better look at him, a new sight but the same attraction within his amazing image, gosh my heart explodes at his smile. tediously we line up to exit our vehicle in a space that accompanies the hundreds of people which hold even more flashing cameras, focusing on a sleek move involving a few steps out and around to a quick pose for a professional before meandering to friends all dressed so greatly. chatting about nervous bursts and stressful make overs, we're interrupted by parents and families attempting to photograph us in our 16 year old prime - a night to never forget. 

dancing in painful high heels, i sing at the top of my lungs with my friends doing exactly the same. flashing lights reflecting the shining make up of my fellow school friends, i take a sip of my icy water, a refreshing break from the hours of enjoyment. forgetting all self respect and acknowledgment that i dislike how i look, i dance in every way possible with my group, laughter and a broken voice singing old melodies into the night. a slow sunset leaves me smiling at the sight of students holding each other in an loving manner, a close bond between so many of us in which has made the night the best of this last school years. taking selfies with every person you can grab, i flick through the many pictures of year long friends, people i will miss into the future, and people who have made my life a living joy. a wave of sentiment and love washes over me and i hug my good friends supportively, a final cuddle with him that stops the ridiculous tears for things i cannot change. hobbling down to my ride home, i kiss him goodnight, the dull blue sky masking his growing smile, my love ever growing. 

closing my eyes to the midnight muffles and phone notifications, i think about all the moments i enjoyed the most: the first sight of him, the rush of getting ready, the laughter of us all, the final minutes of a circle of slightly normal people who love each other as family - a group in which i am forever grateful for.

party night - 23/6/18

tired eyes open to the birds singing outside dusty curtains; a new day after a fun night before. jumping in the shower to sort my ratted hair and soften my skin from the close proximities i experienced not 12 hours ago. going about my day, i wait for the hour to arrive, an alarm ringing to tell me to get ready for a night of fun and love. doing a subtle cover up of the bags of lost sleep, my appearance changes from a rough, depressed potato to a cute, slightly open-chested girl. i smile at the preparations i have taken to get to this point, the many moments of careful precision to make an effort for a small gathering of my closest friends, an effort for him. packing a bag of basic necessities, i rush out the door and into the hot summer air, excited for this nights events. 

a few drinks down and pizza filling my stomach under the thin, black shirt, we play games and laugh about like nothing is coming to an end - a saddening background to an otherwise amazing atmosphere. glancing across the room to him, i glance up his jeans and blue top to meet his earthy eyes, staring back at my smile. my mind races to all the memories and love i have for this boy, yet i just smile, nothing showing on the surface. winning the first sober game, i cheer and wander off to the living room, accompanied by him - a cute grin on his face. buttons undone, he helps do them up, fulfilling the duty of a good friend, maybe even a good boyfriend. listening to others talk about nothing interesting to me, i stare at our intertwined hands and juggle the thought of the official name of us pair, an often thought that occupies my head...

nothing would change really, just us being us but that label hanging over our heads like a halo or star that announces my happiness. him, as my boyfriend, well gosh dreams are as sweet but i know that it wouldn't be a bad decision. the right decision, the best one yet. a caring, loving person with a sense of humour, a kind heart and an amazing appearance asking me, someone like me, to be their girlfriend would be a questionable matter but i would also be the happiest girl you could fathom. the difference is him, he's not a cheat, a liar, a disloyal traitor or a user. he is someone i am proud to almost call mine, and i am lucky to have found someone in the 7 billion humans that treats me better than any other boy has treated anyone i know. love is a strong word, i throw it around like its free and easy but quite the opposite when i mean it genuinely. and i do, i do love him, and i do want him to be my boyfri-

quickly i snap out of my daydream as someone talks towards me, i laugh and play it off like i was listening, only knowing ill think the exact same things later on this evening. 

hitting the empty plastic cup on the table, i wipe the corners on my mouth from alcohol that stains my tongue. dare being done, i kiss my bestfriend ever so briefly on the lips, a simple touch of affection, nothing like i feel with him. more drinks and unusual conversations, he takes care of me the entire evening, whilst doing his dares and requests and whilst im being a pain in every body part ever. one dare of his catches my eye of course, a raunchy moment that leaves me blushing and smiling with god knows what feelings. looking quickly up at his face i see how hot he looks, i cover mine to stop the admiration gushing out of my cheeks, a rose setting of love for this one gorgeous boy. 

with most of the group intoxicated enough to walk in a not very straight line, i sit outside with a less close friend and discuss the stars about us, a bright array of fairy lights dancing in the navy blue sea of air. a sudden race of a star sends my wishes up into the sky, maybe they will come true but we will never know. a slightly challenging journey back to the conservatory, i see him sat in my spot and i avert my eyes to the rest of the group, trying not to be too indulged in my perfect human being. sitting beside his resting legs, we take turns of stupid dares decided by an empty bottle, one in which i know quite well. blurred writing tells me to kiss another player, i do so and it goes quite well, but all i can think of is him, his lips instead of hers, his touch instead of her hand, his warmth instead of her distance.

preparing for the night ahead, midnight sees the change from my slutty shirt to baggy top and pink airy shorts, my smooth legs remaining scarred and untanned. comfortable and relaxed, we girls talk about the sleeping arrangements ahead of tonight, an interruption of explicit viewing leaving me laughing at my close friends, a close bond i love so dearly. removing my bra, i decide to be completely natural with him, not a feeling I've ever felt before but i guess i do like it, and him, a lot. wandering downstairs to see the quick set up of beds and blankets over the floor, i quietly crawl into my cocoon of warmth, his hands gliding around me as we cuddle closer, already enjoying the night even more. apologising for the awful looks i have, he kisses me lightly on the nose, my cheeks pushed up by my smile. pulling the covers over us, i kiss his soft lips, wrapping my leg over his body, his hand placed by my shorts. we kissed for so many perfect moments, others watching and commenting on our love - i don't even care for it. like on cartoons, sparks explode from my chest and every piece of broken me is slotted back together, like a puzzle only he can solve. resting my head on his shirt, i feel his fast heart beat drum through my ears, a soothing sound to render me calm and destressed. 

i feel his finger tips weave through my hair, an immediate relaxant to my scattered mind. letting him hold me, i stay still upon him as he sends me sleepy like a baby, my thoughts wandering to their favourite place - him...

no matter what, this boy still amazes me. imagine going to sleep after a tiring day at work, he strokes your hair like that and all worries go away. that is husband material. all the kind hearted, amazing personality of this boy is what makes him a man with an ideal trait of being that long term lover; not an opinion I've had with any guy. he is my safe zone where i know i can go to cry, laugh and expose my other layers that many people wont ever discover. i feel as if we are unbreakable, tied so close we cannot forget what he have: memories, feelings, emotions, promises. so many years of tests and trials that have always been interrupted by a bad choice or disaster that lead me back to the right choice i should've made so so long ago. perfection is what he is, my kind of perfection.

holding him tight, we whisper on into the night, him kissing my lips every so often, reminding me of those same butterflies from the first kiss, but now they're dimmed in comfort and love more than ever before. hours pass in our wake and the sun rises upon the 6 unslept party goers, my appearance looking worse than yesterday morning. mouth dry with remanence of alcohol, my body decides to punish me for enjoying myself. changing into warmer clothes, i remain cuddling him and he holds my shivering body close, as my mind congratulates me on not throwing up. arms cradling me like a small child, i take in his scent and smile in the remembrance of this place i call home, his arms the protection from anything over than happiness. 

a slow end to the best time with some long life friends and hopefully a long time lover; the best and worst few years of my life brining together only 10 friends, truth and loyalty remaining in only the few. 

i love you all, but i love you most.