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insight sixtynine

heh 69. all written events are true and to factual correlation.

dear him/you/whoever can relate to this,

... wrap your body around my brain for a while, and maybe you'll understand...

a door closes shut, and i sigh, but not out of sorrow, well i guess you could say sadness from an escaping happiness driving down the street. i make my way back to my room, counting the steps as i go. thirteen. i fall back onto my bed, a huge smile growing on my face. his scent lies on my pillows and i hold one tight to my chest. i laugh, a small muffle because of my smitten obsession with these hours of fun. closing my eyes, i bite my lip, trying to rid of the smile that is everlasting throughout thoughts of only minutes ago, a feeling of want and need for those moments fills my gushing mind. its been a yellow day: amazing/very happy, i colour in my mood, and smile. the nerves i felt for this one day all fluttered away with the butterflies from my stomach. its astonishing, amazing, surprising how one person can make me adore everything more in a living space. the certain footsteps taken to get into closer positions or fingers intertwined to contain the others devious motion, laughter echoing in my recollection of perfect hours gone by. the ceiling appears through the spider like legs of my eyelashes, eyes bright to the world once more. but yet that smile still remains on my lips, lips of regret for things i didn't do, but happiness for the things i did. sitting facing the blotched window, i lose myself in the photos we took, my phone containing the few seconds of loving delight i captured. gazing at the creased duvet of a slept in bed, i trace my fingertips along the waves of material, remember the shine in your eye as i leant close to your face, soft hands intertwined. stop smiling i think, imagining myself looking insane from the amount of blushing i do at a relapse of cuteness from the air. from the masses of smiling i have done today, and within those minutes and reflection, my rosy cheeks start to ache and then the missing sets in. it's not a need, want or desire to have him around me, i guess its a luxury. the sweet content from his warmth against me, nothing bothering our minds but each others teasing - a blissful atmosphere sending me to the highest mentally state i can even fathom. maybe he's a drug i cannot be without, but how when life is in the way at too many points? but i'll see him soon, and i'll feel all the butterflies in my stomach, flying away to the laughter of a relaxed day with someone i like more than i will ever admit, to him and to myself. maybe you can understand the adoration i have for that day, the 4th of April 2018, the start of Spring accompanied by the best flower i could of picked.

'lips of regret' - i typed that with the knowledge of what i wish to happen... wish to do. there was a moment in the few hours i loved that i could've made so much better. a moment in which we were close, closer than friends but not as close as lovers. yet i could've made us closer. our hands lay flat in each others, your long fingers enveloping mine. i stared in wonder into your art worthy eyes, the different flecks of colours blending into the perfect tone of intriguing and dreamlike. scattering my peripheral vision around your face, i notice all your little freckles, dimples, smile lines and "imperfections" that make me adore you even more. you smile, i smile, like a chain reaction my smile grows as does yours, maybe you see what i think but i hope not. i think about leaning closer, testing your cheeks to see if they blush just enough to make you smile even more. i think about proving my heart to you, placing my lips on yours before watching you blush immensely. i think too long into an anxious mess and worry too much before realising i'm still staring into your eyes. i laugh and look away, worrying you can see into my mind. well now you can, for a small segment from my tangled brain. and it's true. the best of me appears when i'm surrounded by people who hold my heart in a different light, be it bestfriend, crush, lover, family member, i am the best version of me. but its a different kind of best with him. a confident, relaxed, happy person arises from the thought to be dead and takes over my body without realisation or resistance. when i looked in the dirty mirror, seeing the smudged girl from minutes after he left, i see someone different to I've ever known. the happiest me I've seen in years too long. and i guess it makes me cry tears of all emotions: happiness due to finding this boy who makes me lose my mind into a careless mess of embarrassing blushing and uncontrollable smiles, sadness from the finding of the lost character i didn't realise existed - didn't realise i could recover once again, or tears of love from the sheer shock as to the amount of heart strings one boy can pull when binding my mind back to a healthy place - an amazing place in which i know he has been sat, waiting, loved all along.

and if you'd like to know, which i know you do, here what i really think about you, well a segment - all sentences are true, from recent events xox

you laugh with our friends, me blushing in embarrassment at my mind being filterless, my hands firmly over my rosy cheeks, attempting to cover the smile. i peek through my fingers briefly and i see you staring at me, smiling also and you have that look in your eye that i hope no one will see, but me. gosh, i guess i sound selfish but what would i genuinely do without you, i wouldn't be... me. i sit in the darkness of the shadows from the spotlights down below. multiple whispers mutter around the warm studio, everyone waiting in anticipation. glancing down at the stage below, friends walk by with nerves of steel, keeping it together for the audience. i stare down, and watch you act your extract with intervals of laughter and tears of hysterics that leave me proud of your clearly talented side. as you make your way across stage you smile, and laugh a relief from the ending. but i smile for a different reason, for the fact that you can do all that and still be modest about your achievements. i smile from the sight i observe of you, the literal ray of sunshine that has made everything, even a dreary night of revision so much more fun. you bound up the stairs beside me and give me a smile, your beautiful eyes gleaming in the light's glare, hair bouncing around in waves. and i probably shouldn't admit it's not just then i observe you like an unknown species, because of course i know you well, very well indeed, but you're intriguing, you're interesting and you're utterly wonderful in every sense of the word. 

wonderful (adjective) - inspiring delight, pleasure, or admiration; extremely good; marvellous

sometimes it's only the little things you say, the small compliments, the small caring phrases that can make my entire day and it's impossible to understand how. it makes me realise how good hearted you really are, i mean all people have a dark side right? but you have the purest good side I've ever known. and i love it. your serious side i guess intrigues me, just the other side i know you most certainly have interested me in several ways. you argue with me over the things i "lie" about but i couldn't lie about yourself to you. me - being the person who loves your entire existence, and someone who would most likely do anything to make you happy, i wouldn't lie about the truly amazing nature, good looks and absolutely wonderful character you have, and that you have in my life. from top to toe, you are an entirely awesome person, a lovely and loving boy, a confident and talented guy, and an all round near-to-perfect-as-i-can-fathom person. so thank you, for being such a huge part of my life, and making it the best version that it can be right now. 

ily <3

golly gosh 1440 words