12:00

insight twentynine

love letter noun

a letter expressing romantic love for the recipient

at midnight, tonight or this morning, i have decided to revisit a frequent topic that arises on my blog, simply because i wish to make him smile after I've ruined things... again. and so, after much googling and notes... here's the final product...

dear my lively lightbulb,

love noun

1. a strong feeling of affection

2. a great interest and pleasure in something

       verb

1. to feel deep affection or sexual love for (someone)

love is as strong as the word for hate yet i use it so freely when speaking about you. a flexible term that can be used to describe anything or everything about your being or nature of mind. from the way i love your hair to the way i love your jokes, the word for me has implications of desire and need for something, or someone. a long weightless chain that attaches you to your significant other, tying you together and pulling tighter when you're apart. in many ways the chain represents that need, or missing for the individual, the want to share the same oxygen when intertwined in the cold blankets of a home, or to share the same seat by the peaceful lake that overlooks the fields of yellow and green. love is a pure thing, that can also be expressed using words.

why i hear you ask. why have i written this? i have composed this very note of affection for you to make that pretty little smile shine from your face as i intently watch you read this now. i intend on making this something you come back to, to reread when you feel grey. because making you happy is what my life is all about. no matter what happens in the weeks, months, years to come, these words will never rearrange themselves to describe a letter of hate. they will always sing a carefully bound song about how a girl became intensely in love with a boy from her school.

since I've never called you my lively lightbulb before you're probably wondering why i have addressed this letter to you in this way.

my possessive determiner

belonging to or associated with the speaker

lively adjective

1. full of life and energy; active and outgoing

2. (of a place or atmosphere) full of activity and excitement

3. intellectually stimulating or perceptive

lightbulb noun

a glass bulb inserted into an energy source, which provides light by passing an electric current through the centre filament

you see, you are what i think of as my property, but i do not control you, i only possessive one important thing of yours: your heart. you are the excitement and boost of life that moulds a smile upon my otherwise neutrally gloomy face, a daily dose of dopamine that keeps me going for hours on end. you are the light of my existence, bringing hope and a future into my dark, dusty mind. in English language, light means hope, happiness and positivity and in my life you are the light. i can now hope for a future beyond what i have been seeing, i can now enjoy the happiness when im within a few feet of your presence, and i can now start to build a plan to gain the positivity from the upcoming months ahead. my lively lightbulb simply translates to

the happiness in my life, powered by hope and love;

the boy who is mine. 

lying in my lukewarm bed, i think to myself about all the various conversations we have had. zooming in on certain things you have said and i start to wonder why people don't compliment you as much as they should. your friend, he should thank you for the times you've made him laugh so much he has to sit down, even when he is drenched in the water you sprayed all over him. your enrichment friends, they should tell you how grateful they are for making them laugh and having humorous conversations in the most boring lesson ever to have been invented by our rotting, low-standard school. the people that belittle you when they think they're higher than you, when really they are just small minded, those people should apologise for being horrible and say sorry for not understanding the concept of

everyone is different and unique.

you bring a lot of things to a lot of peoples lives. standing in a circular oblong at break time, making jokes that leave everyone laughing and smiling; you bring joy to our lives. a big hand around my waist, pulling me close into a tight hug; you bring support to my life. a constant smile and bouncy personality; you bring positivity to everyone's lives. sitting on the red metal bench, i watch you and my brother play football on our quiet local park; you bring my family that little bit closer. without you holding my hand and giving me those little lines of advice, im not sure if i would be stepping up like i am now to help myself and become a better version of me.

inhaling and exhaling a large quantity of air, i slowly close my eyes and pixel together an image of you, standing in front of me smiling and laughing as you make fun of me for one thing or another. without realising a bright smile creeps upon my lips and the image brightens into a beautiful scene of laughter, and cheerfulness fills the darkness... you walk closer to me, standing beside me, suddenly in front of a wide mirror that reflects your beautiful features that hold my hand and stare contently into my eyes. from the floor, your huge feet stand strong against mine, making them look almost elf like to your clown shoes. following your jeans, the strong defined leg muscles allow the fabric to mould around them easily, and just tightly enough to get a good look at your... legs. quickly stepping to the other side of you, i glance down at your belt, just below your back, that peachy bum fitting into those black jeans that i like the most. curving my eyes around your sharp hips, my arm glides around your waist and comfortably sits perpendicular to your belly button, body heat warming my hand already. remembering what you look like topless, your shoulders seem to stand out under your shirt making them look more muscular than normal. a tanned brown arms repeats the same motion i took and weaves around my waist and pulls me in close, fingers slowly drawing patterns on the cold skin of my hip. with a soft rough touch, your left hand cups my face and strokes my blushed cheek before allowing a single kiss to touch my lips, yours warm and smooth; just as i remember them. a small cheeky smile grows upon your face as you start to disappear from my memory...  my eyes opening to the dim light of my phone. i turn to the screen again, staring at the photo of you i have captured when in your garden, remembering the smell of you on my clothes and the hours of contact and hugs after a long day or so of not seeing each other. oh how i miss you right now, how i miss everything i want to cuddle.

laughing a silent exhale of air, i think of you as a person, your personality and your interests. bikes, outdoors and fishing, the three things i would say make up your interests, but all i can withstand in appropriate amounts. you as a person are amazing. you're

funny

confident

supportive

caring

kind

loving

passionate

fascinating

dedicated

understanding

incomparable

irresistible

impressive

strong

talented

inspiring

and every word is true. you see, when someone is friends with and has feeling for someone else for a long time, that person picks up and admires every aspect of their lovers personality. this makes them absolutely flawless to them. however, when we got into a relationship, i discovered and still am discovering new traits and sides to you that i still see as flawless, and this shows how much affection i have towards you. you're scared of somethings, that's adorable. you did this stupid thing, you've learnt from it, crazy fool. there is nothing i could ever hate about you, because as you know i always come back to your cute little face and that one gorgeous smile that make me fall in love with you in the beginning.

insecurities. i have a lot, my appearance, how i am, my mind, moods, i could go on. but it's not about me, it's about you. your insecurities, and i know there are a few. they are not valid, they do not define who or what you are, they are all lies. you are loved by many, and cared for by all your friends, which is a lot of people. you're clever and dedicated, and when you put your mind to something you complete it to its full standard, a high standard. and whatever dark thoughts you have about me, don't believe them because i will not leave you, for anything or anyone who you may think is better, because to me, you're the best and most compatible person for me.

now here's something i have never told you...

thinking back to the day i started liking you, it is the same reason i fell in love with you;

that damn smile.

sitting on the bus, when you all used to cram onto the back seats with the loud music blasting out the speaker, changing song every 10 seconds or so, i remember you nudging me and laughing at a joke we made about my stupid ex. i nudged you back with my elbow (my knee ;) ) and you smiled, this wide blushed grin that made me heart sing with affection. and at that moment, as the sun glistened upon your brown hair-sprayed fringe, making your eyes shimmer with what seemed like happiness, i felt the feeling of need rush over me. all i wished at that second was to hug you tight and press a gentle kiss upon your pink cheek, but i couldn't. i was restricted. little did i know your secret but you were too silly to keep it that way.

i remember sitting on my bed, your face in the love heart pillow with a smile peeking over the white fluffy ridges. i bit my lip to contain the awh of cuteness that consumed me as if i'd just seen a labradoodle puppy. i told you to stay in that position, so i could take that photo, just because you looked so adorable. i felt so much love in that moment, such pride that i have someone like you to call my own, someone as perfect as you to call my boyfriend.

each day that i walk up to you, or see your face from behind a partly closed front door, i get the same nerves i got when i was talking to you over text, at the very start of our close friendship, or whatever we were. and each night, the night i go to bed thinking about you after seeing you that day, i go to sleeping smiling, knowing that

i love you and that love is returned equally if not more.

Yours always,

S.M

xox

word count: 1848

👽