8:47

insight fifteen
there are so many things flying in my mind, crashing against my skull creating a constant migraine of pain and exhaustion. so many questions swaying on my shoulders, dragging me down lower and lower throughout the day. so many voices telling me things that i believe and know to be true.
no one actually cares about me, no one actually gives a shit. they don't care if im stood there or just sat inside sorting out someone else's issue. if im there to give advice and help them then that's good for them. all i am is a toy, played with then dropped on the shelf and left for a while till someone takes a fancy and plays with my feelings, then puts me back again on the shelf, just to sit and take a long look at all the happy couples and friends laughing around, not caring where the toy had disappeared to. its consuming me, and it doesn't take a fool to know how hard im trying not to have a break down in the middle of school. it's getting worse, and i fuckin know it. i cant control what i do or what i think. i cant control my moods or how i am. im sorry to anyone who i put down, or make sad. and im sorry to anyone im around, to anyone i hurt or ignore when im barricaded in by my sadness. my emptiness.

you know its getting worse when you have to physically drag yourself out of bed while your brain is weighing you to the covers, where no people can disturb your thoughts, like a sick bug, pulling you down and exhausting you. you know its getting worse when even eating half a slice of toast makes you feel sick, and your head pounds at you for eating the shit that makes you look so fucking fat. you know its getting worse when you feel an empty bubble around you, and even when you're laughing and being "yourself" around friends, you still hold back the urge to scream and shout at them, tell them that you know they don't give a shit about and that they don't care, that you don't trust them and that they just don't make you feel wanted, that you feel unwanted compared to the pretty, and popular girls that actually have mates that want to spend time with them, and not just be there out of pity for the selfish pathetic mess of human i have become. you know you're getting worse when you don't want to leave the house, even to see friends, because you feel so scared of what they may think, or if you get an anxious wave of panic and you need to be alone, but not seem rude. you know its getting so much worse when you can hardly compose yourself in a science lesson, or when a teacher is shouting at a student, saying they don't care about them, and it makes you shake with memories and your mind turn with the past. you know its getting worse when the simplest walk turns into a death thought, and the racing cars nearly hit your body, the subconscious stepping that you take, the leading of the sadness to the other side. or when a simple routine chore of cleaning turns into a day dream of a slow poisonous ending, a simple unknowing solution to me. you know you're dangerous when your mind is filled with the worst thoughts someone can have, every second of every day, and that happiness seems like a childish memory, when all you feel now is a numb chain holding you underwater, suffocating you just enough so that people can just seen you breathing shallowly. i know im getting worse, the thoughts, the wants, the needs to escape, the careless actions i take, the stupid things i do or nearly do, the pathetic thought that people could ever love someone like me.

i don't know how long i can go on feeling like this. 2 fucking years. and who has fucking helped. the professionals do fuck all. parents use it against you. friends don't give a shit. however I've found walls are the best to talk to, because they actually fucking listen and don't chat shit to other people.

you know what. i had two amazing best mates. i was so close to them and i felt so wanted around them. but trust me to help them get together, and im so happy they're happy. and someone has become happier than ever. but im back to being pushed out, third wheeling and being pushed aside so they can walk together, a couple and a loner. why does nothing ever happen like that to me, i guess im at the end of peoples priorities, no surprise.

oh but don't worry "im fine, just tired". you know that fucking shitty lie i just every fucking day. but its not a 'no sleep' tired. its a 'im physically exhausted from life please push me off a cliff' tired. i just. its so much better than explain all the infinite problems i have within my mind, the shitty chemicals that turn my happiness into something horrible, even if its as happy as a clear sky. so don't ask me ever, to tell you how i am, because you're just going to get the same answer. even if im rocking back and forth screaming, or trying not to cry, i'll still say im tired.

i fucking give in.
im sorry.
but fuck you.

👽