10:49


insight nineteen
it's hard to explain depression to someone who doesn't suffer it. it's like a rucksack on your back, that is full of bricks, weighing you down and making you constantly feel empty and down. even when you sleep, you feel the bag, making it uncomfortable to sleep. sometimes it gets heavier, making some days worst that others. some people add bricks, making it worse for you to keep smiling throughout that day. sometimes suddenly you feel weak, and you cant smile, and the bricks push you down, further down into a vortex of unwanted thoughts and sadness.

each day, i wish i could forget it all, but i cant. i feel my eyes become weary and i just want to curl up in bed and sleep, forget about my problems, expectations and issues inside my head. even sleep doesn't help, doesn't refresh me, doesn't help, just makes me more exhausted. the sleepless nights make me worse.

why. why do i push everyone away, people who actually treat me right i push away, my mean defence still there, scared of being hurt once again. maybe they could help, maybe he could help. but i don't want to hurt him if i do something. which is highly likely given my thoughts and the mental state i live in.

im not sure why i think of it so much, the scenarios in my head that all have the same outcome. tbh why would anyone be bothered. its not like my friends text me, take the time to acknowledge my existence. only he does. and i thank him for making me happier. im so happy with him, but im scared im gonna hurt him, make him sad, make him realise how much of a shitty person i am and then he'll laugh and leave. like everyone else. if he knew what these thoughts were, he would never have wanted to got to know me. and that's what scares me.

but the truth is,
i don't think of anything else.
the thoughts, rewritten notes, close enough situations.
why do i need to live a life when i have the power to end it.
why am i so unhappy,
and why cant i get out of this
this depression
why cant i start again
create a new me
a me i actually like
a me who isn't...
me

👽

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