who i am.

insight thirtytwo you wanna know why I always say goodnight, sleep well, I love you  when you don't reply.  it's because if something happens  to me when the skies are dark  and the world is silent  and I disappear from you  I've told you the truth and something I'd want you to remember  and I'd know  if something  happened to you.  you would have know the truth  and I would of told you what  I really mean  something that will never ever  change; the fact that  I love you more than anything  more than infinite money  because money can't buy you happiness  you give me happiness  us gives me something to live for  something to hold onto  so thank you and goodnight, sleep well I love you  👽

insight thirtyone this is a very personal and diary like blog... enjoy? i went for a walk today. just a gentle stroll down the lake that lies underneath the swans and ducklings that swim in the afternoon sun. the gleaming heat making Trigger pant in exhaustion, the cars flying past making a much needed breeze. before reaching the lake something happened, just something i guess happens to few people but isn't seen in a way that would effect you, right? wrong , oh so very wrong. "hey girl nice tits" he shouted from behind the fence, overalls tied around his waist with his friend laughing and whistling as i walked. quickening my speed, i concentrate on my music and carry on. reaching the lake i smile and talk to other dog walkers that ask the breed, age and name of my puppy, the normal day to day "awh"s and "he's so cute"s. trying to push aside the thoughts in my clouded head, i take photos of the pretty daisies and tall green trees that lit...

insight thirty i stare at the gloomy reflection on my wall, the tired under-eyes growing dark with fatigue, messy hair shoved up in a half-hearted bun, not even attempting to reach on the desk for my brush. want, desire, need; the longing for that one close hug that would lift every cloud that covers my happiness, that one scent of love that can send me into an uncontrollable high of calm and emotion - feeling something other than sadness. nothing happened, just the blissful silence of a plane soaring through the sky, just the slow crinkle of my bed sheet as i let my arms go limp, still holding onto the corners i was ruffling.  more tears run down my pale cheeks as all the built up misery bursts out into the open privacy of my bedroom, no reason just the constant weight of melancholy grief that remains, making every day the same. than me, every other person had it worse - is that what makes my thoughts so unwanted and repetit...

insight twentynine love letter noun a letter expressing romantic love for the recipient at midnight, tonight or this morning, i have decided to revisit a frequent topic that arises on my blog, simply because i wish to make him smile after I've ruined things... again. and so, after much googling and notes... here's the final product...

insight twentyeight Shakespeare's love by me. night drew dark as the wind whistles blew cold creeping under the covers of her bed staring at pixelated images of a girl she once knew now that girl is the reflection who wishes her dead pillow gripped near as the scent whispers calm the sweet tear from closed eyes role down bright visions of him lying left of her arm the throat crushing pain of wanting him around blood rivers weaving through the path of her sight ceiling caves into sadness that does consume one desired wish for him could set her right the intertwined happiness in one lonely bedroom ache of love strikes that heart too hard her mind wishing she was under the graveyard 👽

insight twentyseven "you seem quiet today" why do you take such concern when i show a glimpse of what i feel like? "have you fallen out with someone?" just because i have paragraphs of writing upon my phone screen does not mean an argument, im getting help from a friend, about things a should talk to a professional about. "have you had lunch?" you know im going to say yes, even when my stomach is churning air. "what's up Sophie?" everything. 👽

insight twentysix dear best friend, you are perfect and everything that you are and were is perfect. your face with the dot to dot freckles and the grey blue eyes that are hidden behind your black glasses. your ginger hair with the blonde streaks, cut short and cute like a little apricot. your tiny cold hands that I can intertwine my fingers within and warm the palms of. your smile that brightens up my day and makes me smile with the little dimples that appear. your laugh that is so contagious we normally sit in a fit, looking strange but i just don't care. because I'm with you. your nature, how you think and how you are. your caring words that comfort me and your constant presence within arms reach makes me feel less alone, like I have someone there for me finally. someone as amazing as you. your love for me is so appreciated and I cannot find a word to place on the amount of gratitude I have for you. your openness with who you are makes me jealous of how confiden...

insight twentyfive oh fuck it's bad. so so bad. i am addicted and i don't think there's a cure im addicted to your taste, your lips connecting with mine, soft then all at once. the subtle warmth of your hands that trail up and down my back, skin naked to your touch. i crave your strong shoulders that mould around my arms, allowing me to bury my head into your chest as i laugh. i miss your smile, the blushing of your cheeks as you say something most adorable with your hair flopping the wrong way. i want your body next to mine, the urge to be within a noses touch, the knowing that you're there, even when i am sleeping. i need your laugh, the different genuine laugh you do around me, the one i crave the most. im addicted to your scent, the same smell i can identify anywhere, the scent that envelopes my lungs as i squeeze you tight against my face. i need your hands, your big rough hands that draw spirals on my skin, relaxing me into a calm dream of empty though...

insight twentyfour a warm spring morning creeps through my curtains as the early birds talk within the branches about the daily flight to the feeders, more awake and alert than I. dazed by the beams of gold, I stretch my weary limbs and reach for my phone to check Snapchat, being the stereotypical teenager I am. after much scrolling and yawning, i lunge out of bed and take a jump scare look at my bed hair in the finger stained mirror while fiddling in my draw to find the brush, and maybe the a hair bobble too. much time later, my clothes are on - blue jeans and a grey embroided jumper - and i am heading downstairs to gulp down a cup of luke-warm tea, too happy to be exhausted. singing the new Shawn Mendes song, I enter the garden to say a high pitched hello to my puppy who flipped his toy into the muddy puddle that uses to be the chicken coop - "Trigger, what did you do that for?" sun gleaming down upon the veg patch, I grab my phone to text my boyfriend about a walk I...

insight twentythree Sometimes it's the tranquil silent that surrounds you as you sit in wendy house at the bottom of a garden that makes you realise the pure beauty of nature. Listening to the bird that sweep in-n-out the trees and the cars that buzz by with people driving within, people who you do not know. It's not that you've ignored their conversation, or that you've never spent the time to visit their living space, it is the innocent factor of that you have never seen their face, nor seen their piercing smile with the small dimples in their cheeks; they're merely a stranger in your life. And as i sit dimly lit by golden lantern on my right, that sits by a peach drink - just perfect for the spring season - i read my book alone in my own thoughts, dangerous but calm. And a small smile grows on my face as the words on the page relate to a boy i know and love. Even though he does not know i'm thinking of him and doesn't know that all these ideas bring me ...

insight twentytwo   our angel i remember the first smile you gave me, "wanna sit together on the bus?" you said. a friendship bloomed that morning as the bus left in the foggy sunrise. - i remember you wrapping your arms around me, the delight from that gifted pencil case. a single boost of joy given to me before you left for home. - but i remember the tears running down my face, "she's gone" and my phone hitting the floor. the slow motion running of my mum as screams in pain left my mouth. -  as i remember lying in that empty car park our warm hands intertwined in love. night drawing cold as the stars shine up high and now i can watch you within them. <3 👽

insight twentyone Lucy. My angel up above. The sky is the limit for you. The best and most perfect girl that was chosen to join your dad. The girl that unknowingly meant so much to us. We, your friends miss you. Though we may not talk about you all the time, in our minds we are just avoiding crying over your untimely depart from earth. Now you've been placed beside your dad within nature, to be released into the clouds, like the balloons that stopped the hail from falling upon our tear stained sleeves. I still miss your small lips that formed a large smile each morning, even though you hadn't fell asleep until 2am. I still miss your quirky hair and the daily bus ride that I'd spend quickly glancing at your make up without you thinking I'm weird. The pain still remains within me. And I'm not sure it will ever fade. A longing for you, a internal crying for you; my best friend for 3 and a half years. You knew me but never judged me. And you let me know you ...