7:46


insight fiftynine
my fingers itch to write, see the words pace across the screen and then read the beauty that i have produced, even when the entire world around me is crashing to its knees. today. today has been a bad day. stomach raging like a screaming child, ears ringing with sounds of students knocking me into walls as i amble towards a new end, eyes drooping with lack of sleep but a raw energy makes me want to sing, dance and do more things than i ever can imagine on a good day. i feel drunk, but i know i haven't had a drop of alcohol in the past 2 days and 4 hours. i feel drunk a lot, days at school or just walking to the bathroom at 3am, when reading an indulging book i just can't put down. i feel the sway of the world, words jittering on a page, head pounding in anger, unsure of it's surroundings. leaning for a wall of support, my steps stumble noticeably but habit, losing my balance in thin air like the puppet master dropped his strings. misspelt words and tangents of sentences confuse the late mind when i reread the phrases i mutter incorrectly. im not drunk. im not an alcoholic. i know im not. but i forget. late night, early afternoon, evening dinner conversations, simple things i do. i don't remember within the next hour of the day, next week or next few minutes. maybe im living a double minded life, two people one mind, i cant put my finger on it.
i feel both drunk and hungover all the time, and im not sure which i'd prefer. being drunk is stupid, irrational decisions when not remembering what they were sometime after. being hungover involves loud noises being unbearable, ill symptoms, tiredness and regrets.
i really don't know which is worse.


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