11:37


insight thirtysix
I've fucked up.
I've fucked up so bad it hurts.
I told you so
I told you I'm a horrible person, that I put people down, make them unhappy.
I'm poison, I'm a waste, I'm not worth it.
but you.
you've given me something to live for.
you've given me that star of hope
hope that everything will be okay
that I have to live on.

but as I said
I've fucked up.
I've been horrible without meaning to, and now I feel more guilt than ever.
all I want is me and you to work, to be happy, to be together.
and as I lie in bed
rocking back and forth screaming into my pillow
tearing flooding down my cheeks
I know I can't deal with life without you
I can't live life without one hug off you that makes me feel warm
I can't live without your amazing smile and laugh that brightens up any day.
I can't live without your warm lips on my cheek as we laugh in the garden about who knows what.
i can't live without you.
cliché and most the time fake.
but it's too true.
you're everything my mental stability is.
I can't learn to love another if it isn't you.
I live you.
too much in fact
I wish I didn't
but I do.
I'm scared
very scared
we'll end up broken, separated and departed
all those photos on my walls and in my phone
all sitting and staring at me, laughing at hoe much I've messed up my happiness
my happiness being you
having to delete those memories I wish to go on forever
no more memories
no more laughs with your brother, no more jokes with my mum.
no more smiles across the room in science.
no more quick hugs before the bus.
no more.
us.

I'VE FUCKED UP
AND ITS TEARING ME APART
I HAVEN'T CRIED SO MUCH OVER A BOY BEFORE YOU CAME INTO MY LIFE
WHAT CHANGED
WHAT'S SO DIFFERENT ABOUT YOU
I THINK I KNOW
ITS THE AMOUNT OF LOVE I DO LOVE YOU WITH
THE SHEER AMOUNT THAT HAS MADE ME BECOME RELIANT ON YOU
I HATE IT
I HATE ME
BUT
I LOVE YOU

☺

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