who i am.

insight seventyseven you know its back when you type that fully explained message for all the reasons you aren't okay, but delete it and simply type 'im fine', even though you drop you phone and cover you mouth to silence the crying that occurs seconds after you press send. you know its back when you notice yourself distancing your time away from friends and family, snapping back and closing off those walls you tried to so hard to reopen. you know its back when you cant sleep, eat or do anything besides procrastinate and waste your time on things that will never matter. you know its back when you want to scream everything from the top of your lungs but you don't have the energy to. you know its back when you worry about every individual action you take and constantly feel apologetic for being ever so slightly wrong. i don't want to ruin this, i don't want to ruin us, i don't want to ruin me. but i know its back when i just need that one person to wrap t...

insight seventysix 8th of September 2018 - s a quick note after an evening of   smiles  :) His fingertips trace my back, inch by inch of my bare skin, as if I let him touch the real mortal soul of mine. breathing close, heartbeats pulse again my chest, a steady rhythm of existence pleasing my every sense, pleasing my smile even brighter to know he's right there beside me. my hand glides over his back, the dip of his spine creating a river to trail down, a slow dance of intimacy and enjoyment. eyes closing again, I lay my head upon his shoulder and smile at our hours in the night spent lying together in a place that curls around me and holds me tight, a place I call home.  - - - he stands taller than me, peaking around my hair as I adjust my clothing, ready to leave for a lonely bed. he smiles and talks of sweet nothings about me, making me smile and feel utterly melted by his adoration and adorable serious tone. turning to face him, he pulls his hand to my cheek an...

insight seventyfive a emotional note  it's the little things, building up into a pile on unnecessary darkness that sits in my head, waiting for one small this to make it all collapse as tears down my face. whether it the physical sickness or disappointment when looking in the mirror, or not being good enough at my job. the need to pause time and focus on the things I want to achieve but haven't the time with life flowing too fast. the slight of comment or laughed joke that maybe hits a nerve or dives into a place I don't wish to reenter. i'm tired of being the person I am, having certain things happen the way they do, experiencing things I don't want to remember. my memory and mind is a blessing, a curse and a prison all at the same time. but right now, it's hell.

insight seventyfour prom day - 22/6/18 from sleeping till wake, my mind occupies the thoughts about prom, all those hours away but yet the excitement brews within me already. stretching off the interrupted slumber, busy feet rush around awaiting the school buses for their fresh souls to be taken upon. slowly i pull myself out of bed, wishing for a burst of energy but confronted by a chaotic day of getting ready for that final school gathering for all eternity - a slightly unsettling feeling. mixed emotions stare me in the face as i attempt to save my skin with cleansers and moisturisers in which do nothing to hide the grey circles around my blue eyes. throwing on some old tattered clothes, i eat as little as possible to aid a flatter stomach in my beautiful pink dress, a princess's gown awaiting my presence. sitting for hours in a small room filled with acrylic smells and organised shelves, i converse about my life like she is interested, a warm comforting feeling arising ...

insight seventythree May 28th - guarded strings i don't know how, but you did. you carved into my chest like a daisy's root into soil. the tender tears of slow devotion  that left a certain mark, or  scar in the place of my pulse. you managed to curve around my ribs so elegantly and unseen. as if the internal darkness shadowed your every move, every footstep as you reached out beyond the expanding breaths, further from the light of day. i let my guards down so easily their strong bones and large inhales parted for only your inspection. within a lengthy exhale, you meander  towards my heart strings, the vulnerable part of mine. maybe i know how you did it, a method so complex it took years to perfect. but as soon as disaster strikes, i feel your warmth within my heart, the beating place of daisy's; the scared place you call home. 

insight seventytwo i guess you could say it's the anniversary of my existence, my being here and breathing every so often. however no, it is not my birthday, but a year today was the day where my existence mattered very little to me. there were two of these days within the year that has passed. and maybe now i want to speak of them, the two chapters within the worst year that has changed me forever more. and maybe this is needed, in support of mental health awareness week <3 c hapter one, a shaken drink hands shaking i throw my phone to the pillows of my bed, bedroom door slamming behind my shoulders, legs collapsing heavily to the floor. that saddening lump of choked up tears builds in my throat until i finally snap, like a shattered of glass breaking into a million pieces all at once. i have had enough, i repeat into the wall as i cover it with sweet rivers of defeat flowing from my reddened eyes. reaching for the notepad that sits promptly against my chair, i scribble ...

insight seventyone how are you lucky? how am I lucky?  so. many. ways.  lucky. i am lucky because of the smaller things. the pop up messages of truth and care, even in the most messy-minded of times. the utter admiration that glows through my screen within the small phrases of uplifting joy, or the surprise paragraphs that make me beam with happiness. the sheer perfection of his personality astounds me, i can never understand how i can deserve such a wonderful person like him. being close to someone who has the power to render me happy and joyous within seconds is the most comfortable i can ever feel in my own skin. the outbursts of anger, sadness or anxiety are all calmed with his smile, his words or his voice. i feel safe. within who i am, within what i think or feel at any given moment. he is my weakness, and my strength. pulling me up when i need a hand, and making me melt at his fingertips, his smile the ultimate kryptonite. i guess you could say im lucky bec...