Who I am.

Insight sixtysix i think im finally ready, ready to talk about all of it. we sit in the small coffee shop, surrounded by busy beings and crying children, the afternoon of a clear blue day - the 25th of November. the potted plants sit on a brown paved floor, small pink flowers drooping down through the green, awaiting the springs warmth to lift them towards the clouds. floating birds meander around the tall oak trees, pushing acorns and dying leaves to the floor, reminding me that winter is still upon us. like any other cold day, layers of thick coats and knitted jumpers lay thrown over wooden chairs, whilst the owners silently queue for a lemon meringue pie or a red jam scone, which maybe accompanied by the finest cappuccino I've ever let my lips indulge. lifting the small smooth pebbles out of my black bag, i lay them out and tell the tale of each, the places they have travelled and the palms they have touched. sliding the fork underneath the lemon icing, i enjoy every taste...

insight sixtyfive i honestly just want to write, rant, talk about what's racing around my head, racing down my face, racing like my heart. him, him and him. they know how it happened, you're no longer  the victim. it wasn't love or passion more of a complex act of control  and intentional scarring. hands intertwining, fingers latching on. get out of my head. its the late night mysterious boy  with the beckoning call of lust and need for a girl to comfort his wants, but that's no longer me. bodies closing in, eyes locking together. banish it from my mind. your warmth drawing me near, a comfort and safe place to escape to. a single conversation bringing a smile, always a smile. never anything less. cheeks rose with admiration, a simple brief touch. a welcoming imagination i cherish.

insight sixtyfour I remember when we used to talk until the early hours of dawn.  deep chats about sex or space  or ones that made me laugh in the darkness of the night.  I remember the love hearts, the sweetness that always surrounded us even when we were naive to life  even when we were younger. and back then, I did like you.  your smile and laughter being my drugs  and your nice eyes being a perfect sketch of beauty but happiness combined.  so many littles things we shared  and two quiet moments of intimacy the only moments in which we both  have been silent together  but were loving together  and now we speak into the early hours of a cloudy Sunday morning.  with the same jokes we had before and the same aura we had years ago and I feel the love I felt back then like everything was perfect again and that nothing had changed 

insight sixtythree touch i'm now numb  to your sharp touch tracing through my skin. numb to sensations that travel up my spine the blank relief  which once was new which once supported me you touched the blemishes tallied the cries you touched the places no one can see  yet made them watch me  alone - a poem one day forward  two days back smiles and floral  all turned to black not noticing how the laughter died music so loud it muffled the cries.

insight sixtytwo i found a poem... written in 2014... enjoy?.... still has some relevance i guess ?? when night approaches we get excited about the pictures we will draw adding more and more rain oozes from our skin as we battle the demon within the morning after we want it again knowing it will always end the same we are children of the night dark calling to their delight bodies with battle scars as painful kind of art of ours we aren't heaven's angels but hell's heroes 

insight sixtyone i guess you don't really understand your dependence, love and reliance on a person until you're apart. the strength of the bond that you need physically yet it's something you take for granted until it's no longer visible. Day to day laughs that are your medicine from the dark, smiles for just seconds that brighten the doomed thoughts. Just a few days, it's less than a week; why should I be bothered? maybe because without you around I feel lost within myself, or the daunting fact that we are two as one but apart, we long to be in each other's company. but it's only a few days right? wrong. mentally, emotionally, I realise how much I lean on you, even if it's not noticeable, to you, to anyone. maybe that's the only reason I like to spend 6 hours of exhausting boredom, because I know I will smile with you for all those seconds I desire. maybe you're a drug, a dose of happiness that no one nor nothing can replace. in the worst of...

insight sixty  i get these flashes in my mind, daily i might add. like lightening they pop up, and disappear before i can completely process the happen, but long enough for me to understand it. they are never happy smile and laughter, always the negative memories i am trying to shove to the back of my head. flash a time of romance, happiness flourishing but then his hand is on my thigh and my body freezes in fear, shock, and maybe even guilt. flash curled up in the crispy green sheets, creases smoothed with tears of utter sorrow, screaming into the covers that may actually understand what i mean. flash the call ends in slow motion, surroundings blurring to the floor. a single tear falls for the fallen friend. flash stomach tight, teacher screaming loud, breathing shallow and tense. not now, not now. flash shouting rings around the hallway, a single bruise and a million words. what did i do so wrong? flash nobody knows. nobody knows.