Who I am.

insight sixtytwo i found a poem... written in 2014... enjoy?.... still has some relevance i guess ?? when night approaches we get excited about the pictures we will draw adding more and more rain oozes from our skin as we battle the demon within the morning after we want it again knowing it will always end the same we are children of the night dark calling to their delight bodies with battle scars as painful kind of art of ours we aren't heaven's angels but hell's heroes 

insight sixtyone i guess you don't really understand your dependence, love and reliance on a person until you're apart. the strength of the bond that you need physically yet it's something you take for granted until it's no longer visible. Day to day laughs that are your medicine from the dark, smiles for just seconds that brighten the doomed thoughts. Just a few days, it's less than a week; why should I be bothered? maybe because without you around I feel lost within myself, or the daunting fact that we are two as one but apart, we long to be in each other's company. but it's only a few days right? wrong. mentally, emotionally, I realise how much I lean on you, even if it's not noticeable, to you, to anyone. maybe that's the only reason I like to spend 6 hours of exhausting boredom, because I know I will smile with you for all those seconds I desire. maybe you're a drug, a dose of happiness that no one nor nothing can replace. in the worst of...

insight sixty  i get these flashes in my mind, daily i might add. like lightening they pop up, and disappear before i can completely process the happen, but long enough for me to understand it. they are never happy smile and laughter, always the negative memories i am trying to shove to the back of my head. flash a time of romance, happiness flourishing but then his hand is on my thigh and my body freezes in fear, shock, and maybe even guilt. flash curled up in the crispy green sheets, creases smoothed with tears of utter sorrow, screaming into the covers that may actually understand what i mean. flash the call ends in slow motion, surroundings blurring to the floor. a single tear falls for the fallen friend. flash stomach tight, teacher screaming loud, breathing shallow and tense. not now, not now. flash shouting rings around the hallway, a single bruise and a million words. what did i do so wrong? flash nobody knows. nobody knows.

insight fiftynine my fingers itch to write, see the words pace across the screen and then read the beauty that i have produced, even when the entire world around me is crashing to its knees. today. today has been a bad day. stomach raging like a screaming child, ears ringing with sounds of students knocking me into walls as i amble towards a new end, eyes drooping with lack of sleep but a raw energy makes me want to sing, dance and do more things than i ever can imagine on a good day. i feel drunk, but i know i haven't had a drop of alcohol in the past 2 days and 4 hours. i feel drunk a lot, days at school or just walking to the bathroom at 3am, when reading an indulging book i just can't put down. i feel the sway of the world, words jittering on a page, head pounding in anger, unsure of it's surroundings. leaning for a wall of support, my steps stumble noticeably but habit, losing my balance in thin air like the puppet master dropped his strings. misspelt words and tange...

insight fiftyeight i haven't written, nor thought about doing so, in a month. i can't say i'm sorry because i'm not, time away isn't always easy but my minds been too full to fathom words on a page, or a screen. my hands shake like an alcoholic yet my alcohol is liquid nerves, worries and unslept nights. my eyes tired, stained black with attempts of beauty that try to hide the layers of sleep deprivation burrowing into my grey skin. my nails bitten within anxious episodes when at school, home or anywhere that caused internal terror in my brain. mind flickers from thought to thought, clockwork timing to circle round and round that same point, the same pin the works that stops me from achieving the full happiness i should feel for upcoming events, and past celebrations. tick tock. tick tock. the thought jitter, mixing into one pile of letter, numbers, like binary code but making no sense. blind to the plain sight of pain inflicted within, the silent torment stopping...

insight fiftyseven throughout my life i have kept many diaries, and after reading my most recent one, i want to punch my past self square in the face. after doing so my hand hurts, but i thought to make my life into a sort of poem. here is 509 days of my life - April 11th 2016 to September 1st 2017. 43977600 seconds, 732960 minutes, 12216 hours or 72.71 weeks of my life given to you in single sentence insights. a journal, not a diary because it sounds too childish today was actually a fairly good day finally on track to being 100% happy he said he felt worthless but i made it better today was utterly shit, low emotion but smiling. cba to talk sorry i didn't see him, i miss him i haven't smiled this much in a while he actually loves me, for me friends are just okay so much drama going on i slapped someone for a fiver i want to be Margo from paper towns i forgot to write, sorry i guess math - boring, tech - boring, French - boring does he actually love me? i...

insight fiftysix they say it get better when you tell your parents about your mental health. a few days of realisation then a long road to being "normal". but with mine, it hasn't been like that. nothing like that at all. i am victimised and bullied by my own mother and stepfather, snarled at with snide comments and shouted at for just being a little sad. when simple things become a tiresome chore of social interaction with distant people that should hold you and tell you its going to be okay, but don't. your close bond with mother and daughter makes me envious, a laugh a hug a helping hand, nothing that i can get since i shouted the truth to her face i don't want to be here anymore you think im lying? that there's nothing wrong? that this is all for attention? why would i be sat by my bedroom door, sit from eating half my dinner before you verbally harass me with comments of invasion, wanting to know every small detail of my conversations with a friend. w...