Who I am.

insight thirteen she smiled as she passed the cream house on the way to school, clean windows with the china plates and bouquets of lilies sitting upon the ledge. a cheerful glimmer reflected off her blue eyes, brightening the mornings of the people who saw her. viewing the empty bus stop she strolled towards it, taking in the peace that hugged her. Sie lügt. murmuring the words of a Green Day song, she grinned at the small dogs that were playfully bounding after a stick, not a care in the world. everyone talked to her, asking about her weekend and how her amazing relationship was going; she spoke proudly of herself, not in a boasting sort of way, but in a soft and intriguing way. Es ist zu gut, um wahr zu sein. friends greeted her as they wandered up to class, another lesson with good grades and disruptive children. reading her book slowly, her mind escapes to the Sunday with the boy of her dreams. one smooth hand slipped into hers, his deep brown eyes fixated on her soft l...

insight twelve I miss you. I miss you when I'm standing alone listening to my music at the bus stop. I miss you when we are in the field. I miss you in Maths with my bumpy ruler. I miss you sending me Korean memes. I miss the holding hands, your small little hands. I miss everything that I could've said to you. I miss me. I miss the old me. I miss the happiness and the no worries. I miss the wanting to live or having the effort to. I miss sleeping, looking in the mirror and enjoying what I saw. I miss being so indulged in school that I don't need to worry about my grades. I miss being a person that I enjoyed. I miss having perfect skin and unscared limbs. I miss being someone I knew someone could love. I would miss you if you left. I would miss the laugh. I would miss the YouTube references you made. I would miss the random chats. I would miss the cute nicknames. I would miss the Trust we had. I would miss you. I don't want to miss you. I miss us. I miss the way...

insight eleven We counted the stars in the dark sky while lying in the empty car park, cold hands intertwined. We cuddled up while watching a movie with our friend, too comfy to move. We "practiced" our performances after school, eating cookies and giggling behind the curtain. We lay together on the bench, twisted into each other as we collected heat from each other. We made the memories that were some of my happiest, and still make me smile now. Not a single minute goes by without thinking you're going to text me a funny Korean meme, or some weird song about who knows what. But to think that you're watching me, now, I wish i could of said goodbye, and held your hand one last time. The feeling of emptiness consumes me and even now the lump in my throat grows, tears running down my cheeks. We miss you, and there is nothing more we want than you back here, laughing with us on the tennis courts. Of all the flowers in the world, they chose the ...

insight ten where do i begin. the stupid mistakes of my past have made me who i am. for the worse i may add. the blind me of the past that couldn't see what was right in front of her. imagine me screaming, crying, looking into a mirror and shouting all of this at myself, trying to punish my reflection for being so weak. why. why did i stay. you played me from the fucking start and you ruined my faith in love. why. i hate you so much and i hope you get hurt so bad you feel as shit as i do because of a lying girlfriend that rips your heart to shreds. no one will heal these wounds you've pressed into my mind. the bullshit you told me about being trustworthy was about as true as trumps speeches. you are poison and i hope someone cleanses you. you're such a shitty person, you've made me not trust anyone, my boyfriend or any friend. you have made me paranoid that he will cheat and break my heart when i know damn well he's the most perfect thing that i have in my life. y...

insight nine  its late at night. too late. i should be amongst the counting sheep by now. people who are awake when only the stars are singing are alone, in love or on the other side of the world. if you're the first two at the same time... you're fucked. if you care or not, i had a good day today. but then as always my mood drops and happiness escapes me like a mole burrowing away from the sun. but the man behind my happiness is always there. late at night i think of him. his deep brown eyes swallowing me into a deep dream. his matching brown hair, almost effortlessly flopped over one eyebrow, a perfect softness to twist my fingers through. the black rims of his glasses shining against the light, making the dorky but cute impression arise. the smile that can lift my sorrows up in an instant creeps out as he catches me staring at his wonderful features. biting my lip, i lay my head down softly on his shoulder, wishing these moments would never en...

insight eight wind weaves through my torn jumper as I sprint through the deserted forest, frost biting at every branch. cradling my frayed grey bag in my arms, i exhale heavy mist from my chapped lips. I have come too far to stop, I must keep running.  escaping. journeying onto a free land. ~ this helped me win a writing competition in my area ... yay big crowds and posh people ...  ~ 👽

insight seven Trigger warning - insinuation of SA (entirely fictional) I flinch as I run my fingers over my legs, over the white lines standing out upon my slightly toasted flesh. Don’t think about it, don’t think about that night. Opening my eyes slowly, I flash back to the evening of my nightmares, and all the tears come flooding back. Near my left leg a man’s hand lies and his other silences my screams. Torn from life, I lay there lifeless, scared of everything that might come. Waking up in the dark, my head pounds as I try to work out where I am.   An orange glimmer of a street light shines behind me as I comb my fingers through my blood washed hair. Nervously, I creep through the streets, attempting to find my way home. Tired and fragile, I lock my front door and fall sleep on the cold sofa. Tiptoeing into my room, I change into a casual outfit and throw my blood stained clothes away. Opening my curtains, I realise how different my life is going to be after that night. ...