who i am.

insight ninety findIng someone so perfect could take years. one individual has their lost soul, their other half to a full heart, in the world somewhere but when would they meet? to claim someone as your own and utterly adore them for every flaw, every mistake, every crack in their being - it is almost like a unreasonable love story. But if this is what love feels like, i don't ever want to be without it. i think i have found the one mortal i can call mine, the other piece to the puzzLe. he has these beautiful eyes that melt into my heart, as if a glance could calm me better than any words could ever. a smile, that smile, when he laughs or looks at me in loving dismay - an infectious happiness that can pull me out of the darkest lows. his skin, when i lie on his chest and feel his heart beating aside mine, tracing my fingers down his skin, freckles and all. arms around me like a wall, guard or shield, protecting me from anyone or anything that has Or could hurt me; the most ...

insight eightynine  Here’s a few blog starters that I just never got round to pursuing: You’d be surprised about how much i feel. More than I seem to. From the persistent smiles and jokes. No. Not me. See me at home, watch me observe my face and cry. Watch me thrash at the walls just to release the anger I feel inside. Watch how I am never enough for anyone. Watch how they chip away as me, not good enough, not happy. Watch me cry and cry until I feel dizzy with short breaths. It’s as if I am lost, I have lost something within me. Something so significant that my entire personality depends on it. I feel as if I’m going rotten. Rotting from the inside and not showing a sign of disgust externally. My brain turning… I hurt. I hurt really bad inside. And I just want someone to hold me. Someone from the past. The present. Someone. I feel like ice. Thin ice. Like I make everyone tiptoe around me because they may make me snap. Crack. Break into angry shards that hurt anyone in my...

insight eightyeight the issue - a poem its not me, you or the rest nor is it school, work or no sleep its not the threats to hit, break my outsides and in. its not the push for independence or everyday 'sort yourself out' s the anger in your eyes, though you say its your fault, like he did its certainly not the father problems or mother ones alike, or the names, self-centred worries that clearly are just about you its never the whispers behind closed doors, screams with slammed doors, not the one-off comments or the pain in my chest, my head from you... its just me. the issue is me.

insight eightyseven (I’m going to talk to you about something that happened to me, nothing dramatic or news worthy, but something that happened that has stuck in my mind every single day.) Valentine’s Day – 14th Feb. 2019 Eyeshadow. Mascara. Lip gloss. Powder. I put on my make up, and stare into the dirty mirror, observing the faded imperfections covered by layers of concealer, trying to fill in the cracks of the broken self. Deep breathes of encouragement and a flicker of a smile, I start to change into the dress I meticulously chose from hours of searching for the perfect outfit to impress my boyfriend. Finishing up with my simple jewellery, I twist my hair through my fingers and think of all the multitudes of things I could do to style it. I decide to try to curl, just light waves that could drop onto my shoulders in an attempt to look pretty. I start off okay, one curl this way, one curl that way, a few tugs but it looks alright. Time flies and it gets worse and worse, burns...

insight eightysix  Side note – i went to a zoo workshop to learn about phobias, specifically animal based ones. We were shown different ways of treating them, including hypnosis. You are my happy place. Arms outstretched, cold fingertips touching mine as you draw me into the light, stepping down the marble stairs one at a time; hypnosis and relaxation sending me to oblivion and seeing you there, my happy place as he called it. With closed eyes, I imagine your blonde fringe and pigtails, light pink lipstick and short skirt with knee-high socks, those shiny black shoes that you click together at the bus stop - hands outstretched to greet me in the morning. I imagine this as he tells us to reflect on a happy place, a happy time in which we felt the most relaxed and content and all I can think is you. I think about you holding my hand, small fingers twisted round mine, walking together into that empty carpark, yellow light being the only thing allowing us to see. We lay on the flo...

Insight eightyfive  Trigger warning - swearing, and a lot of it  Fuck. I’m so fucked. It’s so fucked. Inside i feel like a million things are banging against my head and i cant think straight. I love you, i hate you, i love you, i hate... everything is a cycle. Whirling in my mind, 24/7. It’s all sinking. Like in the sea. Drowning. Slowly feeling the water fill my lungs, not being able to scream. It’s how i feel. “it feels like im watching myself drowning. as if i am staring at a moving picture of a girl slowly dying within cold, dark waters - as if i am watching a nightmare unfold in front of me. a nightmare that, however, sends sweet relief through my veins. i am watching myself, a third person view of the water slowly filling up my lungs, making me choke in desperation. my arms attempting to push against the strong current but not being enough to get my head above the waves. for a short while i could breath, lips gulping the air from above, but slowly as time passed, ...

insight eightyfour  f riday 4th january i arrived mid-morning wearing a thin pink jumper, pale jeans and my favourite black vans. his nan opened the door, welcomed me in and talked to me for a short while before i went to find him with my bag in hand and smile blushing into my cheeks. i hug him and kiss his soft lips, i have been waiting for this for too long. his long sleeve shirt pulls tight around his arms as a squeeze them, admiring all of him piece by piece. we sit for a while before i put on some make up, trying to hide the unslept eyes and blemishes that pretty much cover my entire face. we get ready to leave for a fun day ahead, i am happy, so happy i could explode, he's here with me and i-am-happy. i smile at him in the mirror, he hugs around my waist and kisses my cheek - i really do love him. arriving at Pizza Hut i glance over at him, slightly nervous to have a meal with his grandparents. we sit and eat, talking about family and him and everything in between, i fe...