who i am.

insight fortyone perfection noun  - the state or quality of being perfect.  - a person or thing considered to be perfect. sun gleaming down on the cool forest leaves, i walk fast paced down the grass empty path, music blaring through my headphones to block out the cars, to block out everything. looking upon to the painted peeled pub i start towards to busy road that leaves my hair blowing the way they race, pausing my music as the chorus starts to sing "It's in the stars, it's been written in the scars in our hearts. We're not broken just bent, and...". evening dawning i kick the gravel below my denim converse shoes and head towards my silent haven, my quiet get away from all the noisy arguments and texts from a lost lover, my way of getting rid of everything. easing my music volume, i greet the open water with a deep breath of fresh air and a smile, not a human nor dog in sight, just the vast amount of geese that sit on the soft water gliding to the beat...

insight forty i hurt i ache all over. my limbs weary and dehydrated from the tears i cried in that empty yard behind the tall church, the horses staring in confusion. i spoke to you like you were there, telling you the recent events on school and the stress from exams. just like you were stood there in your skirt, knee high socks and pink pigtails. as if you were still breathing right in front of me. i tried to convince myself you are in heaven, a place in the clouds with your dad which sounds like a perfect fantasy. but i know you're just in a box underground, slowly decomposing in the sweet soil, bare bones from your small body left behind. the flashes of that reality hurt my eyes, make them blurry with the sadness. but still i talk, about the breaking of my relationship and the arguments between friends. i apologized again for everything i did wrong and told you about your dear friends state, the slow down fall of her emotions making me feel numb inside, making me want to ma...

insight thirtynine Dear Lucy, i hope you're not too warm up there, maybe wear sun cream in case you burn your pale skin. i have been thinking of you, a lot recently. i sit next to you in geography, can you imagine us pair every lesson... sir would go mad?! i chewed on some chewing gum today, mint flavoured and i remember how you used to sneeze each time you smelt mint, a cute high pitched sneeze every time. school has change, time goes on but i guess everyone has changed. we have welcomed a new member to our friend group, i hope you laugh with us. she's a phan member so im sure you can make an exception. Katie, our squish, has been struggling a lot, her anxiety is through the roof and i just want to roll her up in bubble wrap so she's safe forever. don't blame yourself Lucy, she is missing you as are we all. it's surprising how things can change in 17 weeks and 14 days, 133 days. i have lost the love of my life over my stupid mental health, you could've list...

insight thirtyeight break ups. they suck, they really really suck. for most people its the stereotypical few days crying into four tubs of cookie dough ice cream then getting drunk and making out with some dude who you have forgotten the name of. for me, its not the same. yes i have done the sitting in the shower with the water on my back whilst crying thing, that happened. but the rest of the time has been different. i sat in my room and cried to hours straight over nothing but our converstaion on snapchat, a few printed photos i removed from my wall and some sad songs from a playlist. as much as drank i let out, and when you say you knew it would hurt me, i don't know how you could expect it not to. i have spent my time preparing for this, yet i wasn't prepared for myself, the way i am, or the way i might become. I've disconnected from people, and when i laugh i just go back to my normal numb mood within seconds. the happiness, the emotion of happiness has been ripped ...

insight thirtyseven well i would say this is one of the worst days of my life. to you i may seem melodramatic but to me this is the worst thing that could happen to me right now. probably in the top 5 worst days of my life, around about 3rd. (this is not a guilt trip, just a heart splodge) throughout this, the lyrics from 2U by David Guetta will apply. (the lyrics are in italics) No limit in the sky That I won't fly for ya i knew, for a few days I've known. I've felt the lack of affection, and care towards me. I've received the physical message that made me know you don't, didn't want us. even though I've tried to give you everything. it didn't seem enough. i think that's the worst thing. the slow distance that has been created, the slow pace in which you have turned your back and walked away from me, or us. i think that's what has hurt the most. but you said you're happier away from me, so i respect your wishes. No amoun...

insight thirtysix I've fucked up. I've fucked up so bad it hurts. I told you so I told you I'm a horrible person, that I put people down, make them unhappy. I'm poison, I'm a waste, I'm not worth it. but you. you've given me something to live for. you've given me that star of hope hope that everything will be okay that I have to live on. but as I said I've fucked up. I've been horrible without meaning to, and now I feel more guilt than ever. all I want is me and you to work, to be happy, to be together. and as I lie in bed rocking back and forth screaming into my pillow tearing flooding down my cheeks I know I can't deal with life without you I can't live life without one hug off you that makes me feel warm I can't live without your amazing smile and laugh that brightens up any day. I can't live without your warm lips on my cheek as we laugh in the garden about who knows what. i can't live without you. ...

insight thirtyfive i sit on the corner of the white washing basket, listening to the shower spray against the glass curtain beside my head, water flowing from cold to warm. minutes pass and i slowly take off my clothes, fabric falling to the floor as it reveals my tan lined skin, pale in the places i wish to hide. hands over my chest i observe my figure in the mirror, peering down at the hourglass curves in disgust. a slight burning pinches my skin as my toes edge under the shower head, the ocean of pain relief flowing over my shoulders. rinsing the almond bubbles out of my tangled hair, i hum the melody to a sad song i have listened to on my phone, each lyric burning my eyes into a teary mess. digging my nails into my skin, i rip at the insecurities and imperfections that scatter all over my being, skin tearing and bleeding onto the floor below. light darkening as the sun dips behind the tree, the shower water burns red upon my shoulders, my head hug in the bird song silenc...

insight thirtyfour do you ever just not feel? inside your body, your mind feels empty. the numb, lifeless fingertips tracing along the temples of your skull, trying to rid of the headache that has come from feeling empty. thoughtless brain pulsing to your heart, slowing as your breath subsides, completely empty. the mirror reflection staring you down, the pupils so dead as if they had no existence obtained them in their sockets, as if the lungs and veins were entirely empty. thick blood lines trailing through the white just touching the dull grey iris, the sleepless exhaustion making you feel empty. the emotionless voice that disintegrates into a silent whisper, mute and alone but you're supposed to be happy, even when that happy is horribly empty. birds bicker and children argue, noises amplified by the hollowness of your skeleton, everything become an ache, your interior utterly empty. the knowing of homework piled beside your desk, but your body too tired to...

insight thirtythree it sits in my stomach, like a balloon. just blocking the path for food, keeping me full for starving days. the pain sits there, making me feel sick and weighed down by the regret and things I should've said, and the things I shouldn't of. a silent tear roles down my face and I picture you, standing there perfectly pixilated at the bus stop, smiling as a come to a stop at your side. your freshly cut blonde hair ribbon tied into parallel pigtails, just swinging above your shoulders. a long neat tie lying low underneath your top button, shirt tucked into a black pleated skirt. I can never look at knee length socks and skirts in the same way again, you suited them so nicely. your piercing eyes gleaming as your bright smile infects another onto my face. it sits in my throat, like a rough spikey tennis ball, making it hard to breath as that one song comes on, or that one view reminds me of who was my best friend. I told you a lot of things, you listened and he...