who i am.

insight twenty these past two days have been some of my happiest. spending them with the best human on earth. just laughing and cuddling. making me forget everything. each kiss clearing my mind, making all my issues a thing of the past. just lying with him, being within his arms, feeling his warm with his heart beating softly against my ear, it's the best way to fall asleep. a sleep without a nightmare, he protects me, even throughout my rest. the clingy longing for him after he's gone, the hugs I miss so dearly when he's not by my side. our laughs and smiles that I treasure so close, the cute smile and giggle he does when I tickle his sides, the pure happiness that is shown, makes me feel a loving warmth within me, that grows like a flower, making my whole body lift with joy, with a short period of relief from the normal me. there are so many words to describe him, but none of them would fit perfectly. he is perfect. a super human that understands and doesn't at th...

insight nineteen it's hard to explain depression to someone who doesn't suffer it. it's like a rucksack on your back, that is full of bricks, weighing you down and making you constantly feel empty and down. even when you sleep, you feel the bag, making it uncomfortable to sleep. sometimes it gets heavier, making some days worst that others. some people add bricks, making it worse for you to keep smiling throughout that day. sometimes suddenly you feel weak, and you cant smile, and the bricks push you down, further down into a vortex of unwanted thoughts and sadness. each day, i wish i could forget it all, but i cant. i feel my eyes become weary and i just want to curl up in bed and sleep, forget about my problems, expectations and issues inside my head. even sleep doesn't help, doesn't refresh me, doesn't help, just makes me more exhausted. the sleepless nights make me worse. why. why do i push everyone away, people who actually treat me right i push away,...

insight eighteen love is something hard to define. a combination of positive emotions, pulling you towards a person whilst you laugh together, smiling in perfect happiness. i can only describe it as a chain, a long chain connecting you to that person, a strong feeling inside, a feeling of belonging when you are in their company. a tugging at your thought when you're alone, a need to see their face and feel there warmth. love. noun ~ a strong feeling of affection verb ~ to feel deep affection or sexual desire i don't think strong isn't the word. a feeling of adoration towards someone, it's like the blooming of flowers within your chest, a happiness that can only be achieved around that person, a subtle heat within your hands, where you crave their hand to be. even hearing their name catches all your attention, and the smallest things they do will make your love grow even more. being around them releases your worries, and makes your mind fill with goodness and ...

insight seventeen so today has been a good day. you can probably guess why. i spent the whole day with my favourite human. and on a scale of 1 to 10, he makes me an infinite amount of happy. just being with him, within his arms, makes me one of the happiest beings alive. he is sleeping now, and i bet he looks so darn cute, but i wish his name would pop up on my phone, just so i could see his face one more time before i fall into a deep dream of him. even if i close my eyes, i can still picture his beautiful eyes staring at me and smiling as i brush my fingers through his floppy brown hair. i wish i could be with him always, he just seems to change me, make me so much happier than i would be without. he almost imprints the smile onto my face and doesn't let it drop unless he bullies me about my small hands or if he pushes me off the sofa. sometimes i just stare, and take in all that he is. the beautiful being of amazingness. his cute little smile and shyness when he says somethin...

insight sixteen oh gosh how i love him, the way he laughs and then smiles at me, the way his hair flops and brushes through my fingers, the colours of his eyes when they look into mine, the funny nature he has and the caring character he hides from everyone else. his protectiveness over family and how much he cares, its the sweetest thing that i know. the time i spend with him is my favourite time of any week, the time we can spend alone together, just sitting, watching the sun set, talking about anything and everything. oh gosh how i miss him, how i miss his touch, how i miss his hugs, the warmth of his cheeks against my shoulder. i miss his presence, that instantly boosts me up from my normal pit of despair. i miss his everything, and i miss his kiss. oh gosh how amazing he is. a person who is so simple yet complex that sometimes i laugh at how much his personality differentiates. the funny, joking character he plays at school is nothing compared to the person he is ar...

insight fifteen there are so many things flying in my mind, crashing against my skull creating a constant migraine of pain and exhaustion. so many questions swaying on my shoulders, dragging me down lower and lower throughout the day. so many voices telling me things that i believe and know to be true. no one actually cares about me, no one actually gives a shit. they don't care if im stood there or just sat inside sorting out someone else's issue. if im there to give advice and help them then that's good for them. all i am is a toy, played with then dropped on the shelf and left for a while till someone takes a fancy and plays with my feelings, then puts me back again on the shelf, just to sit and take a long look at all the happy couples and friends laughing around, not caring where the toy had disappeared to. its consuming me, and it doesn't take a fool to know how hard im trying not to have a break down in the middle of school. it's getting worse, and i fucki...

insight fourteen Existence noun - the fact or state of living or having objective reality why do I exist? why do I keep in existing? what the point? i can't sleep. i don't want to eat. my head bangs like sea into a wall. my body aches constantly. my shoulders heavy from exhausted lies. w hy do I try to continue? done adje ctive - no longer happening or existing ⛔