Who I am.

insight ninetyone We’re well into 2020. I have done a lot of reflecting over the last decade and a lot of looking at what is happening this year. Here are the things I’m taking away from this two week thought splurge: The decade of the 2010s I can’t fathom the amount of things that happened in the past 10 years. It’s been a whirlwind year of things that made and things that broke me as a person. So many achievements and amazing memories were made, and i look back and feel thankful for those times, those people. However some moments weren’t as hopeful, hurting me more as i delve deeper into those times. I’m beginning to accept them now; I’m starting to regard them not just as something that made but also something i cant get rid of, only deal with slowly. I am a partial believer in ‘everything happens for a reason’ and i use it to explain the friends, experiences and hardships that have been and gone; it helps me move on to a new time and a new head space. So i say to 2010 and al...

insight ninety findIng someone so perfect could take years. one individual has their lost soul, their other half to a full heart, in the world somewhere but when would they meet? to claim someone as your own and utterly adore them for every flaw, every mistake, every crack in their being - it is almost like a unreasonable love story. But if this is what love feels like, i don't ever want to be without it. i think i have found the one mortal i can call mine, the other piece to the puzzLe. he has these beautiful eyes that melt into my heart, as if a glance could calm me better than any words could ever. a smile, that smile, when he laughs or looks at me in loving dismay - an infectious happiness that can pull me out of the darkest lows. his skin, when i lie on his chest and feel his heart beating aside mine, tracing my fingers down his skin, freckles and all. arms around me like a wall, guard or shield, protecting me from anyone or anything that has Or could hurt me; the most ...

insight eightynine  Here’s a few blog starters that I just never got round to pursuing: You’d be surprised about how much i feel. More than I seem to. From the persistent smiles and jokes. No. Not me. See me at home, watch me observe my face and cry. Watch me thrash at the walls just to release the anger I feel inside. Watch how I am never enough for anyone. Watch how they chip away as me, not good enough, not happy. Watch me cry and cry until I feel dizzy with short breaths. It’s as if I am lost, I have lost something within me. Something so significant that my entire personality depends on it. I feel as if I’m going rotten. Rotting from the inside and not showing a sign of disgust externally. My brain turning… I hurt. I hurt really bad inside. And I just want someone to hold me. Someone from the past. The present. Someone. I feel like ice. Thin ice. Like I make everyone tiptoe around me because they may make me snap. Crack. Break into angry shards that hurt anyone in my...

Insight eighty-nine Sociology brought the question - do you believe in god? and i have the answer. no. i do not. and there, of course, it a story. i used to believe in a being, no necessarily a god but a larger someone who has some say about what happens in the world. i used to pray or talk to the skies and ask for help, talk or anything to help me in times i felt i had no one. that one day i prayed, for her to be okay, i wished and prayed with the tears down my face and emotions cracking in my voice. i prayed for her life and her health. they weren’t answered, ignored and forgotten and left me and so many in a wreck. since i haven’t believed that that being could have let such a perfect young girl be taken like that. they do not exist and i do not believe. from the future  I hear the sadness in this post and I aim not to intervene with previous writing. However I am conscious of how this definitive answer may be interpreted. My relationship with faith has never been stron...

insight eightyeight the issue - a poem its not me, you or the rest nor is it school, work or no sleep its not the threats to hit, break my outsides and in. its not the push for independence or everyday 'sort yourself out' s the anger in your eyes, though you say its your fault, like he did its certainly not the father problems or mother ones alike, or the names, self-centred worries that clearly are just about you its never the whispers behind closed doors, screams with slammed doors, not the one-off comments or the pain in my chest, my head from you... its just me. the issue is me.

insight eightyseven (I’m going to talk to you about something that happened to me, nothing dramatic or news worthy, but something that happened that has stuck in my mind every single day.) Valentine’s Day – 14th Feb. 2019 Eyeshadow. Mascara. Lip gloss. Powder. I put on my make up, and stare into the dirty mirror, observing the faded imperfections covered by layers of concealer, trying to fill in the cracks of the broken self. Deep breathes of encouragement and a flicker of a smile, I start to change into the dress I meticulously chose from hours of searching for the perfect outfit to impress my boyfriend. Finishing up with my simple jewellery, I twist my hair through my fingers and think of all the multitudes of things I could do to style it. I decide to try to curl, just light waves that could drop onto my shoulders in an attempt to look pretty. I start off okay, one curl this way, one curl that way, a few tugs but it looks alright. Time flies and it gets worse and worse, burns...

insight eightysix  Side note – i went to a zoo workshop to learn about phobias, specifically animal based ones. We were shown different ways of treating them, including hypnosis. You are my happy place. Arms outstretched, cold fingertips touching mine as you draw me into the light, stepping down the marble stairs one at a time; hypnosis and relaxation sending me to oblivion and seeing you there, my happy place as he called it. With closed eyes, I imagine your blonde fringe and pigtails, light pink lipstick and short skirt with knee-high socks, those shiny black shoes that you click together at the bus stop - hands outstretched to greet me in the morning. I imagine this as he tells us to reflect on a happy place, a happy time in which we felt the most relaxed and content and all I can think is you. I think about you holding my hand, small fingers twisted round mine, walking together into that empty carpark, yellow light being the only thing allowing us to see. We lay on the flo...