Who I am.

insight eightyseven (I’m going to talk to you about something that happened to me, nothing dramatic or news worthy, but something that happened that has stuck in my mind every single day.) Valentine’s Day – 14th Feb. 2019 Eyeshadow. Mascara. Lip gloss. Powder. I put on my make up, and stare into the dirty mirror, observing the faded imperfections covered by layers of concealer, trying to fill in the cracks of the broken self. Deep breathes of encouragement and a flicker of a smile, I start to change into the dress I meticulously chose from hours of searching for the perfect outfit to impress my boyfriend. Finishing up with my simple jewellery, I twist my hair through my fingers and think of all the multitudes of things I could do to style it. I decide to try to curl, just light waves that could drop onto my shoulders in an attempt to look pretty. I start off okay, one curl this way, one curl that way, a few tugs but it looks alright. Time flies and it gets worse and worse, burns...

insight eightysix  Side note – i went to a zoo workshop to learn about phobias, specifically animal based ones. We were shown different ways of treating them, including hypnosis. You are my happy place. Arms outstretched, cold fingertips touching mine as you draw me into the light, stepping down the marble stairs one at a time; hypnosis and relaxation sending me to oblivion and seeing you there, my happy place as he called it. With closed eyes, I imagine your blonde fringe and pigtails, light pink lipstick and short skirt with knee-high socks, those shiny black shoes that you click together at the bus stop - hands outstretched to greet me in the morning. I imagine this as he tells us to reflect on a happy place, a happy time in which we felt the most relaxed and content and all I can think is you. I think about you holding my hand, small fingers twisted round mine, walking together into that empty carpark, yellow light being the only thing allowing us to see. We lay on the flo...

Insight eightyfive  Trigger warning - swearing, and a lot of it  Fuck. I’m so fucked. It’s so fucked. Inside i feel like a million things are banging against my head and i cant think straight. I love you, i hate you, i love you, i hate... everything is a cycle. Whirling in my mind, 24/7. It’s all sinking. Like in the sea. Drowning. Slowly feeling the water fill my lungs, not being able to scream. It’s how i feel. “it feels like im watching myself drowning. as if i am staring at a moving picture of a girl slowly dying within cold, dark waters - as if i am watching a nightmare unfold in front of me. a nightmare that, however, sends sweet relief through my veins. i am watching myself, a third person view of the water slowly filling up my lungs, making me choke in desperation. my arms attempting to push against the strong current but not being enough to get my head above the waves. for a short while i could breath, lips gulping the air from above, but slowly as time passed, i...

insight eightyfour  f riday 4th january i arrived mid-morning wearing a thin pink jumper, pale jeans and my favourite black vans. his nan opened the door, welcomed me in and talked to me for a short while before i went to find him with my bag in hand and smile blushing into my cheeks. i hug him and kiss his soft lips, i have been waiting for this for too long. his long sleeve shirt pulls tight around his arms as a squeeze them, admiring all of him piece by piece. we sit for a while before i put on some make up, trying to hide the unslept eyes and blemishes that pretty much cover my entire face. we get ready to leave for a fun day ahead, i am happy, so happy i could explode, he's here with me and i-am-happy. i smile at him in the mirror, he hugs around my waist and kisses my cheek - i really do love him. arriving at Pizza Hut i glance over at him, slightly nervous to have a meal with his grandparents. we sit and eat, talking about family and him and everything in between, i fe...

Insight fiftynine i love nature, the feel on sand between my finger tips, cold water around my feet, mud on my clothing. the sweet smells, soft sounds and roaring features of pure beauty. i love the evenings in which i spend laying sleepless in bed, warm blanket around my bare shoulders, ears pricking at the wind ruffling the trees leaving as the rain hammers down under my window ledge. watching the rain race down my window, the scattered lights bouncing, waving back and forth as the whistles rush throught the slight crack in the window. the perfect scenery on the sea, with salty air and blurting birds wisping in the sky, the clouds dacning around the golden sun. if only i could run, far away from home and go the places i feel most at home. no phone, no friends, no one but me and nature, arm in arm as we walk around the country, seeing the places only photograpths have shown. just nature. it makes everything seen at peace, in balance, every opposing each other but at the same time co...

insight eightythree rainbow arching over the small town a blue sky turned grey prayers quickly spoken to the Almighty a lost beauty within the hearts of all a crying cloud dampened the moods further into the mud ground not a smiled shared within those dear until the rainbow, like clockwork, appeared moving on to new beginnings leaving behind the thoughts of her and us and all that became of the rainbow and nothing more stripes of colour painting through a negative mood lit afternoon lifting the smiles of those in need that rainbow healing the mad another day of plans for the future one she never got a speech of new knowledge and potential with those colours behind her friend watching from a distance the sky shine colours bright a rainbow that is, for us, different for it is her that shows her light

insight eightytwo  it’s at this time of year when I miss you most. another year without you and i need you more than ever. i saw a rainbow today, across the sky near where i now go to school, when listening to a song about losing someone you love that touches my heart every time it plays. i went back to our school, collecting some old work from before, to a place that holds so many memories and pain that i wished not to stay for long. you were there, i felt it, i felt you there with me in the hall, as if you had never left. i left you there, trapped in that school because how can i imagine you anywhere else? it’s coming up to christmas and i miss you most. i need you here to shower with gifts and a card holding love enclosed within. a merrry christmas feeling not so jolly without you, a saddening weight in my heart for you family at this time of year. another christmas without you, my angel, another festivity without you to sing with, or to enjoy snow days with, or moan how col...